A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have lurked on this site for a little while, and I was wondering whether I might make a post myself. I apologize in advance for its length. So I am another one of those people who is 21 and has never been in a relationship, never hugged or kissed anyone in a romantic way, blah, blah, blah. Yet I have a pretty amazing life which I don't deserve and am incredibly grateful for it. I am in my fourth year of a Ph.D. program in mathematics; I have a fantastic professor and we are making progress on research. We add to human knowledge and discover things that no human beings knew before, and I am honored to be given this opportunity. I have sufficient food, sleep, and shelter. I am surrounded by wonderful, dear friends who literally saved my life last year--how many people can say that? However, I have been concerned recently because I keep having more and more and more thoughts in my head about how much I would like to have a companion to go on picnics and walks with and cook for and sing to and talk to and hold tightly in my arms. I feel quite lonely at times--it is a very physically intense and painful feeling of loneliness which seems to course through all of my veins. (At other times I feel quite happy and enjoy living alone.) At first I felt so guilty about feeling guilty, because I thought it was an insult to my friends who have been there for me through so much. At the same time that I am so worried that all of this is unhealthy, I fear that I will never have a chance to experience those things and share that type of love with someone. I suppose I should provide some more background. I was homeschooled until I started college, where I was a student from age 13 to age 18. So I never really had many interactions with girls my age, and then I went to college where I was specifically warned by my father not to get interested in anyone because of the age difference. One girl asked me out on a date when I was 15 and she was 18, so I had to decline it and it felt really awkward. About the same time I had quite a crush on someone else who was three years older than me, but of course I had to obey my father and keep it secret. My father didn't believe in people getting interested in the opposite sex until they were old enough and financially ready to get married anyway. Then I started grad school when I was 18. I found a lot of fantastic friends at school and at church, but I have in those 3.5 years never been around anyone who was available (the church was dying out and I was the youngest person there, and in grad school everyone was years older than me and in a relationship). All of this time I was worried about where this was going, and I began to feel that I had run out of time to ever get married and have a family of my own, which I so desperately wanted. I realized that as I continued in academia and left my religion that I would probably not naturally run accross anyone who might be interested. At the same time a bunch of other things started to really frighten me--I felt like the rudest person in the world, that I was the stupidest person in the world, and that I would be unable to find a job after school. So last year I found myself in a horrible mental state. I almost did something foolish. I finally got the courage to ask for help--from friends first, and then, with their encouragement, a professional. I found myself involuntarily held in a mental hospital for a week, which ended up being a good thing. Later I started having really horrible panic attacks in which I couldn't respond to anyone and shook uncontrollably. Being surrounded by love and encouragement from friends and family--and just about everyone I know told me that I was one of the least rude people that they knew, etc--I have gotten past the panic attacks and the other foolish thoughts a few months ago with lots of mental work and effort. I sometimes just sit and enjoy the amazingly wonderful and pleasurable feeling of breathing in and out or drifting peacefully to sleep or doing mathematics or walking or just being alive. But I still find myself really, really wanting a companion. Is this unhealthy or selfish to want it and think about it so much? Usually it is really painful and sad, but sometimes I feel just curious. I am afraid that the thoughts are shallow because they are always about talking, hugging, kissing, singing, bicycling, reading, and eating together with a woman and that they should be about less shallow things. Will the fact that I had to be sent to a mental hospital because of what I wanted to do to myself frighten any potential romantic companion away as soon as she finds out? Is such a companion worth seeking? And I am frightened that my lack of experience in this department will be a problem.
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female
reader, babu3u +, writes (27 January 2012):
 Is actually a really good idea for to know what kind of person you want as partner. As you date you will realize what things you want and don't. Is going to be quite the journey. :) Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for taking the time to comment and help a complete stranger--it is very generous of you! Scythe, those sound like interesting ideas. I have thought on occasion about trying an online dating site. I guess I had various fears about how maybe it was unwise for someone with absolutely no dating experience to start there or something. It does seem like a very direct thing to do, though, to put a profile out there, and perhaps it would give me some confidence just to take an active step forward. babu3u, what you said about age is interesting. I suppose that for me, I want to have children in the future, so I would want to find someone who was willing and (age-wise) potentially able to have them. Otherwise I guess I don't have any absolute age restrictions.Perhaps it is foolish for me to already have some idea of the type of person I might like to meet before I have even started looking for a partner, but I do have some of these ideas in my head: I would like to find someone intelligent, kind, and funny (how's that for vague?), who enjoys talking endlessly about random topics, and who most of all takes life very seriously and cares about the matters which are most important. And yes, I would like to find someone who enjoys hugging and touching, something which I seem to have a strangely strong desire for these days. I know this is probably all very naive and vague and idealistic, but it is what I seem to desire.
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A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Sweetheart, I think a good quality online dating website might be the way to address this issue - it will help you connect to thousands of people all seeking a special someone. You can also put your interests and activities on your profile and the website might match you with someone similar.
But don't approach a casual first date or coffee with too high expectations. It's just a chance to say hi in person and to get to know the other person a little more. Being a gentleman is nice (opening doors etc) but do not let a lady walk all over you.
Also, you could sign up for a speed-dating night in your city. Don't take it too seriously, it will simply give you confidence in speaking with women your age and there is no pressure at all.
How do these ideas sound?
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A
female
reader, babu3u +, writes (24 January 2012):
I really understand that feeling and desire of wanting someone to love and be love back as well. The thing is that it will take time. Most likely you are going to have to date for a while until you find the right person. In love, I think age doesn't really matter. There are people who might be in there 40s but still think like they are on their 20s. Some people that are in their 20s have more of a mature view in their lives. I remember dating this guy who was 9 years older then me but he was very immature. So age is not what really matters.
Your desire will not really diminished until you find someone but for now enjoy every single moment of your journey. You find someone attractive ask them out for coffee or to hang out. Most likely this person won't be the one but you can experience something that you haven't before with this person. Ask a pretty girl for her phone number she might not give it to you but at least you won't have that guilt of the what if. At least you tried and actually have the courage to live life. :)))
Is great that you are wanting to meet people. It's really an exciting thing!!! If you have any questions or want any help with anything just ask me. I'll try to give you the best advise possible. I wish you the very best!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the advice! It is true that I probably think about it way too much.
When I moved away from home, my parents switched from prohibiting me from being interested in the opposite sex to pressuring me constantly to find someone. That probably has not helped. For a while whenever I would visit them or they visited me, my dad would take me aside and give me this long lecture about how wonderful marriage is and how he wouldn't want to be alone if he were my age and how it is not possible to mature past a certain point unless one gets married and then has children. They kept asking me several times a week if I had found someone. Finally after the crises last year I admitted that it was stressing me and they backed off a bit.
I formed a bunch of really, really terrifying and sad memories last year, and for a long time I was trapped in the memories and the guilt and the terror. There was a moment, though, when I started to think that there was a chance it could all work out after all--career, family, and everything. I remembered what a nice lady said who was a patient at the mental hospital, "you are still so young. Think about how much you would have missed out on if you had killed yourself. I think you will have wife and children of your own sometime, and you would have missed that."
Then as soon as I thought it might be possible for me to find someone (lots of people told me it would still be possible), these thoughts and feelings just completely exploded inside me. It was kind of thrilling at first, to think it might be possible to find someone to love and cherish and share things with. But now it just seems silly for it to be thrilling because it seems just as far off as ever and so that makes it painful instead.
Anyway, sorry for writing so much again, and thanks so much for your advice. I know I think about it way too much...
I don't know how to go on casual dates or what that means, really. I have joined in on some activities (e.g., I am taking classes in the student union on ballroom dancing and swing dancing this semester because they seemed like fun things to do--and slightly rebellious because dancing was banned at the place where I went as an undergraduate). I still haven't really managed to meet people my age outside of the math department, which is so strange because I am on a campus filled with thousands of people within a few months of my age.
Maybe I just need more patience. I find patience easy except when it must be combined with uncertainty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): You are an extremely intelligent, articulate and thoughtful guy. Everything you have achieved so far is amazing, and you truly have a bright future ahead of you.
It's sad that last year you found yourself in a bad mental state, but you took the necessary steps to get the help you needed, and the love, support and encouragement you received from your family and friends show you how special you really are.
Your age range (18-21) is young, despite your maturity and all you have achieved thus far, so it's totally normal to think, feel and desire to have someone special to share it all with. I have no doubt that you will have a great love one day, by the amazing person you are.
Be patient by distracting yourself with other hobbies and interests, and if you can't do it around the activities you currently attend, try online dating. Meet new people, who also miss having a significant other, so you can share your thoughts and feelings as a start. As other posters have said, date casually to get to know girls, until you find THE ONE that deserves you.
Also, please don't be concerned about your time at the mental hospital. It does not define you, and was a difficult time in your life which you overcame. Someone who truly cares about you, won't judge you on it, instead, they will support you and wish you happiness.
Best Wishes
xxxx E
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): hi there, wow you started grad school at 18?? that's amazing!
I think your desire to experience a romantic relationship is very normal. Humans are a social species, we need the companionship of others.
however what may not be healthy is the intensity of the desire if it impairs your ability to function in everyday life or if it gets in the way of your other healthy relationships and friendships. in other words, wanting a romantic relationship is normal, but if it becomes an obsession or it leads you to do unhealthy things, then that's not good.
why don't you try dating around casually to get a bit of experience. A university is a great place to meet people of the opposite sex and who have similar interests. Join some campus activities and organizations so you can meet other people in a social setting. It gets a lot harder after college to spontaneously meet such a variety of people.
don't worry if your mental health history will scare off someone else. For now, just focus on meeting people and enjoying yourself, take it slow, don't expect your first date to lead to marriage but just see it as two people having some good clean fun.
good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the encouragement. Do you have any advice for how to cope with these desires in the mean time? It could be months, years, or decades before I have a chance to meet someone who is available and interested (if ever), and so I feel silly for these thoughts to be occupying my mind so much recently. Sometimes I feel like I am slowing being consumed by fire, and I wish I could just dial down the desires a bit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the encouragement. Do you have any advice on how to cope with these desires? Sometimes it feels like I am slowly being burned to death, and that makes me feel stupid and weak. Sometimes I wish I could just dial them down because I have no idea if or when they could ever be met--it could be months, years, or decades (if ever), because I have really no idea where to meet people who would be interested or what to do if I do run across someone available who seems like she would be a good match.
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A
female
reader, babu3u +, writes (22 January 2012):
What you are feeling is not selfish at all and completely normal. Most of us want someone we can talk to, be near them, have intimacy with them, just talk about anything with, kiss, hug, touch, feel. This is not selfish at all, is just part of who you are. And you know every single one of us had problems before some more serious then others but if you find the right person they will not judge you for going to a mental hospital but will actually believe you are a strong, brave person that looked for help because you need it. I hope you find a person you can share your time and care with and that you can be happy with them. Best of luck! :)))
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