A
female
age
30-35,
*add Girl
writes:I've been with my partner for 5 months now. In the past she cheated twice even though we talked about working out our issues. i still can't get over the fact that she cheated. There's no trust here anymore, and she hasn't put forth any effort to show me things will be different if we got back together. But she says she wants to work it out. I think she believes i should just get over it and take her back. I love her but i just cant do that .. so my question is, is it possible to truly forgive someone who has betrayed you? and if so how should i even start?
View related questions:
got back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): First of all, I know how it feels to be cheated on. I never cheated or treated my wife badly, but she cheated. And to this day, she will tell you that I am the best thing she has ever known. We have no sexual problems or lack of love, either. She loves the way I treat her. I think she got greedy and blamed me for why we got married when we did. It was HER choice and she made it. I never made her do anything but make up her mind what kind of future she wanted. She cheated and then tried to justify why she did it and blamed me for it. She didn't take responsibility for her actions, and THAT is immature and selfish. She betrayed me and humiliated me. Everyone knows how much I love her and I do everything for HER. It is shameful that she followed someone else around like a dog for 10 months and lied to my face. I was starting to hate her. After confessing to her affair, she refused to call it cheating because there wasn't actual sex. But she TRIED to and got rejected. They kissed a few times and there was secrets. Emails, texts, gifts, hanging out after work... She ignored my texts or calls to talk to her "friend." After a while I told her to cut off that idiot or our marriage was done. I was called a control freak. Good LORD. I just wanted to take control of MY OWN life because I hated where she was taking us. Eventually I got her to admit that emotional cheating IS cheating. Kissing is cheating. Attempting to have sex is cheating even if it doesn't materialize. She betrayed me with someone else and that is cheating. She let someone else into her heart and almost left me for some UGLY idiot who was into drugs and had no life and no intention of settling down with someone. We were even trying to have a baby! But I saw the flirty emails even after she was supposedly not doing anything sneaky anymore.. SO my advice to you is let that women know that she HAS TO do her part and work on things. She needs to be honest and open with you. NO MORE SECRETS. She needs to build trust. No secret emails or texts and you should be allowed to read anything you want and she should prove to you - nOT JUST TELL YOU- that you can stop worrying. She needs to see that she HURT you and you cannot have a future until she takes this seriously and makes more of an effort. You are NOT asking for too much. God knows she made PLENTY of effort to cheat! The least she can do is make you feel loved and feel like you CAN trust her. Words are not enough at this point and she needs to respect that. But don't just roll over and give it all to her easy. She broke they trust and now she has to earn it again. If she loves you - if she REALLY does, then she will do that much. And that also means no more talking to those people she had cheated on you with. THOSE ties MUST be cut. I went through it and I told her to CUT off that b!tch or I would NOT be with her anymore. Sounds like your girlfriend is used to getting things her way and doesn't like to take time t be sensitive to the pains of others and be responsible for her actions. She needs to grow up. She screwed up. Let her SHOW you what changes she is going to make in order to work on things. ANd YOUR part is to not throw it in her face every day what she did to you. But let her earn this trust. When more than 6 months have passed, see how your trust is and if she is on point. GOOD LUCK!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): It's possible but only if the cheater completely earns the person's trust back and being that your gf's not even trying it probably won't work because she's giving you no proof that she is remorseful about what she did, learned from it and is committed to never doing it again. A simple sorry doesn't get it. I cheated on my gf twice and I had to sweat bullets for over 3 years before I earned her trust back. I love my gf with all of me and if it would've taken me until the end of time to earn her trust back, I would committed and kept trudging on sweating more because I knew she was my one and it was me and not her who screwed up so that meant I had to make things right between us again.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 The bitter truth is that you cannot help feeling what you feel and if you try to force yourself into taking her back, purely based on the fact that you still love her, it will only end badly. There will always be a worry that haunts you every time your relationship goes through a rough patch, that isn't really a feature working relationships possess. If she truly loves you, if she truly wants you to take her back, she will start earning your trust again and proving to you that such affairs will never happen again.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, elkabong +, writes (17 March 2011):
She cheated twice in 5 months. So in 1 year she will have cheated 5 times. Forget her, she can't control herself. What if she had never been caught? How do you know she told you everything. RUN AWAY. Find a nice that does NOT put out on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date. Then you find a gem.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): Yes. It is possible. It isn't easy. But it can and has been done.
It takes tremendous amounts of work for all concerned.
You have to trully forgive and allow trust to build back up and not let insecurities and anger and revenge overcome you.
And they have to trully mean what they say. Trully feel remorse. And trully work as hard as they can to rebuild trust again.
I won't lie, a lot of the time it doesn't work out because two people cannot reconcile.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): It depends on the severity, frequency and duration of the betrayal and how sincere the apology. Some acts are unforgivable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): I know how you feel, because I had cheated on my boyfriend once before. I know, from your point its wrong, and from our point it is too. But, you gotta let live and forget!! If thats how the saying goes(: But, i understood my mistake and the mess it stirred up and my boyfriend understood. If your partner is sincere in her apology, then maybe she has changed? Im only 14, so i wouldnt know. But I know for sure about relationships. BELIEVE ME! But honestly if she seems like she is really sorry then you shuld take her back and give her one last try!
...............................
|
