A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please give me advice as im confused. I separated from a 5 year relationship about 12 weeks ago. Although my ex is saying in his head its been over for approx 18 months. We have a child together and I love him but he says we will never get back together.A few weeks ago I started talking to an old friend from school (male) we haven't seen each other for about 17 years. We have become quite close very quickly. Nothing has happened between us except the odd kiss but I'm confused.He's not my usual type but we get on so well. He says he wants a relationship with me and that he will wait until I'm ready. We both have children and I don't want them to get hurt nor me or Adam. Is it to soon for me to move on? He's not my usual type so is it the attention he's giving me or do opposites really attract? I enjoy his company but told myself I was never going to fall in love again! Am i being to hard on myself? Many thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi well its been a while now since I posted my question. Thank you for all of all the advice you gave me.
I have started a relationship with Adam and we are very happy. Both my ex and myself have moved on and remain friends. I now know i made the right decision. Its hard in the beginning but time is a big healer. I'm happier now than i've ever been (except for having my 3 gorgeous children). Were even talking about getting married.
Many thanks for all your help and kind words xxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Last post I swear haha.
OP break ups such as the one you are experiencing are a huge shock to the system, they leave you exposed and lonely because you just lost huge source of love and affection. One that you've had for 5 years. That's a big blow OP and you miss that so much and yearn for it that you will pretty much try to get a substitute with the first guy who pays you any attention. That's how rebounds happen and that's why you suddenly find yourself seeing a guy that's not your type.
He's suddenly appeared with bags of affection and little bit of sexual closeness right when you are missing it the most. In the midst of a crushing break up.
OP once this pain subsides, once the crush of your break up lessens and the grieving process comes to an end, you're no longer going to have this immense desire for even the slightest bit of attention and you may well look at this guy and think "Oh God, what was I thinking, we're not even that well matched"
You said all this in your questions OP, you're wondering whether that is the case. When you know in your heart when you really want to be with someone and you're definitely ready those kind of doubts don't really present themselves this way at all. Deep down you know this is a rebound and I think you know what happens in those cases. You've basically found a quick fix in this guy but when you no longer feel the urge to have that any desire you have for him will probably fade away too.
Basically OP if you were ready, you'd know it and you'd be sure. Being in love with your ex still means this other guy doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Sorry I just cant to add OP, something about this feels off to you otherwise you wouldn't be questioning whether it is too soon or not. The very fact that you have to ask means that it is way too soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): OP 6 months per every five years of a relationship is the time therapists, shrinks and counselors recommend as the *minimum* time to get over someone, less is not advisable because of the chance of a rebound.
3 major signs that this is a rebound are, you still love your ex, things happening so quickly and out of the blue, and the fact he's not your usual type.
You are definitely on the rebound here OP. I mean you've only been broken up 12 weeks and lets say a "few weeks" (when you met this friend) is roughly a month maybe a bit more, then that means you think you're ready 2 months after getting out of a 5 year relationship?
It's rebound OP, pure and simple, it's classic rebound. Look at all the signs yourself from an objective point of view.
OP you still love your ex, do you really think it's a good idea to start a relationship with a guy who's not even your type right now? I mean come on, one of those things is bad enough but both?
You didn't even have a chance to breathe, a chance to get over your last guy and already your seeing someone else? You've had no time to think or even consider you options you just went straight into this.
I say take a step back OP, you're just out of long term serious relationship with an ex that you will constantly see because you have a child together. It will take a while before you're ready to date again.
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male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 The time it takes someone to move on is all based on how they feel. I wouldn't judge you if it only took you a few weeks or if it took you a year to get over it. Go with how you feel inside.
Opposites do not attract unless you are a magnet. People do best with similar people. Thinking of the children is good hear because they are affected by who you choose to date. As for never loving again I think that is a little ridiculous. Why should you be alone now that a relationship didn't work out? You deserve to find someone who you will be happy with. You are being to hard on yourself when you seem to be doing everything right.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Ok well you mention that he is not your usual type, but look at it this way your usual type hasnt worked out for you as of yet has it? So maybe it might do you good to change your type and see how it works out for you. In my opinion no it is not to soon to move on, you have been single for three months and your ex has told you that you are not going to get back together. Hey look at it this way you might not get as good an opportunity as this again. It sounds like this guy really cares for you and that you care for him as well. So give it a go and see what happens. You deserve to be happy, and believe me your children will prefer a happy mother as well. It might be to soon to introduce them to him as your boyfriend but it is ok to explain to them that he is your friend. They will still always have there father, so assure your ex that he will never be replaced and make sure they still get to see there father, but apart from that you deserve to have a life as well, so go and live it and be happy. Dont punish yourself by never allowing yourself to be in a loving relationship again. Best of wishes for the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I would get to know him slowly - don't jump in to a relationship - he could be mr perfect for you - just don't rush it - have some 'me time' as well
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