A
male
age
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*yonsdown
writes:I've been seeing a fantastic woman for 3 1/2 months now. She is in the process of divorcing ,and has 2 kids, aged 16 and 18.They still live in the marital home.The problem is my girlfiend feels awkward me staying the night because of the children.The husband left her for another woman year ago, and obviously this will have affected the children.My question is: is it appropriate for me to stay the night at this stage, or do we wait? If so, for how long?I have my own place, so it wouldn't prevent us being intimate. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Multiple Orgasms  +, writes (4 November 2009):
Does she have a problem with you bringing this up to her? And if she does want to live with you then why is spending a night such a big issue for you? I think you pretty much got the situation under control. And that you're taking careful and appropriate steps. But is taking careful and appropriate fit your shoes. I've had a time when I was so nice all the time... and it was almost exhausting to be like that all the time knowing it keeps her happy. Sometimes I just want to be comfortable and be me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): WOW, some great advice in teh above responses. I agree 100%. You need to plan your overnight trips on weekends where the kids are not at her house, or when the two of you can meet somewhere else. She needs to keep your overnight liasons private and not sen by the kids.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (4 November 2009):
 I can only answer this from the childs point of view. My parents divorced when I was about 15/16 (and it took a good few years to be finalised). So I can only give you an idea of how her children will feel. To be perfectly honest, it messed me up. I spent my teenage years, when I should have been exploring my own romantic and sexual awakenings propping up my mum emotionally thru a very traumatic divorce. Not only did I have my own grief and emotions to cope with, but also hers, and never underestimate how much children can be affected by their parents moods, emotions and feelings.
At 16-18, you may think they are grown up and adult, but at that age seeing your parents divorce can have a profound effect on their emotional well-being. They are beginning to understand the emotional, physical and financial torment that a divorce involves, whereas younger kids do not. Often, one or both parents will confide in older children so they carry the burden of feeling emotionally responsible for the parent. What you learn and feel at that age can have a deep effect on how you lead your own life, and how you see your own romantic and sexual relationships.
You have only been seeing this woman 3 months - how many times have you met her children? She is not an unattached single woman with no baggage. 3 months may be acceptable then.But she has kids. It is not only HER house you will be staying over at, but theirs too. Their space, their world, their private safe place. Those kids have probably been thru a lot, and depending on the circumstances of the divorce may well be feeling very vulnerable. To have a new man barge in and start staying over so soon, may well feel like a betrayal to their father, and in turn they may well begin to resent you just because you are a man invading their territory other than their dad.
I know from my own experience, my mother had a relationship after the divorce (it was finalised, not in the process) and I hated it when he came around. I couldnt be relaxed, I couldnt be me, there was no privacy, no space. He never stayed the night. Her being all loved up was constantly on view, and I couldnt escape from it. It was horrible. In the end he dumped her after 3 years, because all he wanted was sex, and again I had to pick up the emotional pieces. As an older child you know what goes on in a relationship, and basically being kicked out of the house for hours on end, whilst they had sex was probably one of the worst things ive ever felt. It was like I was no longer important, no longer needed, and my own home was no longer somewhere I was wanted. So, not only had my dad gone, but now my mum was also not bothered about me either due to being all consumed with the new man. Now, being older I may well feel differently being in the same situation, but at the time, being young and naive it made me ache with sadness, frustration, lonliness.
If you want to become seriously involved with this woman, please think about her kids. Get to know them, and respect that it is THEIR home as much as hers. Don't try and be their dad, but gain their trust and their respect.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (4 November 2009):
 I think duce00 said it perfectly (although I don't remember Jerry MacGuire - saw it, but don't remember it), but I wanted to weigh in, in case it helped to know more than one person thought this way.
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A
male
reader, duce00  +, writes (3 November 2009):
 You wait until she is comfortable welcoming you into her family before she lets you spend the night in the same house as her kids. Pretty simple.
If she is really a catch and you see a real future with her you should make an attempt at building a relationship with the kids. This should be a bigger priority than whether you sleep over.
Remember Jerry McGuire? Are you shoplifting the booty or settling down with a great single mother?
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