A
male
age
41-50,
*tephenM
writes:My wife and I split up 10 years ago and the main issue was that I was focusing on my career so much that she felt neglected and finally had enough. From my point of view I was trying to make a good and secure life for us both and for a future family. From her point of view I was just spending too much time working. We often wound up arguing about it if it came up – I thought I was doing the right thing, she thought what she wanted was right. In the end she said she felt it would be better for us to split and I just went with what she wanted. Even as we were splitting up we still said that we would always love each other. I never had any intentions of remarrying and I suppose I never really thought that she would. I worked out of the country for a while after that, just to get away, so we only really talked very briefly if we crossed each other's paths. A few years ago she told me that she was getting remarried and wanted a divorce. I was absolutely gutted but I told her that I would always be there for her and that I still loved her dearly. She is now married with a baby son and it just breaks my heart. Every time I see her or we talk I just wish we were together again. She recently told me that she would always be sorry that she gave me such a hard time about my work back then. I told her that it was more my fault and that I often wished I had had the vision to see it from her perspective all those years ago. She then said we should stop talking about it because she was on the verge of crying.I love her so dearly – as much if not more now as I did back then. The people I know who know her and her now-husband have told me that they couldn’t believe she married the guy. I didn’t get into it with them because he’s a really nice man, just not at all someone who I could imagine her with. I think that maybe she felt time was getting short so she married a ‘solid guy’ as it were, to be safe for the future. I don’t know, that’s my theory and it’s one that a couple of other people mentioned too. I would do anything to win her back.If in life you should follow your heart, then my heart is taking me to my ex-wife. maybe she feels the same but I don't know if I should teel her how I feel. I would be distraught if I did and it ruined the friendship that we have as it is. I would appreciate any advice at all here.Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): You've said it yourself: "I would do anything to win her back."
Would you not give it one last try and spend the rest of your life regretting over it? One last try. If it doesn't turn out the way you want it to be, move on.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Yes following your heart is a good thing, but only when your heart isnt being totally selfish and forgetting about the most important thing here - HER CHILD.
This isnt just about your ex wife anymore, this little boy currently has mummy and daddy together, as a happy family unit. Yet here you are wanting to destroy that, take his daddy away from him and potentially screw him up for the rest of his life.
I know that is extreme - but we all know what impact divorce has on children and their ability to form relationships in the future. So you would be opening up a whole nasty can of worms for this poor, innocent child just because you want to be selfish and have another chance with a woman you let walk away many years ago.
If your ex wife hadnt had a child with this man, I still wouldnt encourage you to tell her how you felt, but it wouldnt be anywhere near as damaging as what it would be now.
You have had multiple chances to get her back if you really wanted it, when she said she wanted a divorce would have been the right time! If you 100% wanted her back as much as you claim you would not have waited until now, you have had lots of chances yet you have let her go time and time again. You have ran out of chances now I'm afraid, she is happily married with a child and I'm sure you dont want to be a homewrecker.
Regardless of why she married this man, she is still with him today, they obviously have a healthy sex life as she has had a child - to all intents and purposes she is very happy and their marriage will last a very very long time. There is no indication that this marriage isnt working, apart from petty speculation from you and your friends, so you have absoultely no grounds at all to approach her with your feelings.
You have to move on I'm afraid, I dont believe you actually want her back that badly because you have passed on so many opportunities to tell her how you feel. If you really would do 'ANYTHING' then you would have done it years ago. I think you just want what you cant have, you said yourself you never pictured her re-marrying. I think it is a case that you dont really want her yourself, but you dont want anyone else to have her either. You want to keep this vision of the two of you in the past, back when you were both young and in love, and you cant stand the fact that she is happy now with a family, whereas you still only have your career and not a lot else.
Work on improving your own life, open yourself up to the idea of meeting someone new and stop being so hung up on the past. You had your chance, you blew it - move on and allow your ex to be happy with her family. You can be happy too, I know it seems hard at the moment to imagine the idea of meeting someone new but there will be someone else out there who will make you happy. You just have to move on from your ex wife, realise you dont want her as much as you think you do and start to look to the future instead of hanging onto what could have been.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): If she has not expressed any dissatisfaction with her choices, her marriage or her curent life, then the best thing you can do is stay away. You have already expressed your regret and continued love, so she knows how you feel. If you keep pushing that, it will be intrusive on her marriage and family.
Perhaps some day you will both realize you are still special to each other, but you need to move on for now. If you wait for something to happen you may be wasting some very good years of your life.
I know how you feel. I am divorced for a few years from someone who I was with for over 20 years. While it was not the most amicable of divorces, I still miss the way it was during the "good times". Don't forget, you had MANY bad times too, and it led to enough friction that she wanted to split. Why would you want that back? Don't fall into the trap of sensationalizing the past. Consider the opportunities you now have.
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