A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a mid 20 year old woman and have been a relationship with a man for 12 years. The last eyar was rough as far as he was being verbally abusive, fighting all the time and never around, there was a man who wanted me a mid 30 year old and I fell for him, actually I cheated but ended my 12 year relationship right after because i couldnt fix the situation i was in. I continued to date this new man for nearly 5 months. It was alot trying to figure if he actually cared for me and my doubts took over and i ended up going back to the man i have always been with, i know he loves me like crazy and things have been good since we got back together, but i can't get the other man out of my head. I fell for him, madly and deeply. I've never felt the way i do for him with anyone or anything. I didn't even realize how crazy strong my love for him was until it was to late. Or is it? Should I tell him? I've convinced myself not to because i felt like if he really cared for me he would have tried to keep me, tell me not to go back...i mean i don't know? I am so scared to tell him how i feel, but i would let go of all i have now for him. He means that much....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): Thanks you guys. I don't guess I actually looked at it that way, I mean I know in my heart I don't do well on my own. I love to love and be loved and without it I feel lost. It's like I don't trust my own self to take car of me. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and how I will come out of this I have no idea. Thank you for your feedback on my situation. I feel I have decided not to contact the man I fell in love with, more as I am going to take it as a lesson that I can fall again, but maybe this time with the man I have already loved for so long, or just learn to love me alone. It's a scary world out here.....
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 August 2011):
I think a major reason you are having trouble deciding what to do, is because up til now your decisions in relationships have been driven by a fear of being alone rather than by what you really and truly want or need from a partner.
Rather than making relationship choices based on what you can and cannot deal with, what you want and don't want in a relationship partner, instead you enter or leave relationships based on whoever looks "better" at the moment.
But this is not a way to choose who to be with, because there will always be someone 'better' than your current partner, and your current partner will always have times when they are not at their best. And furthermore, what if they both are not the kind of person you actually want or need, and instead there is someone else out there whom you haven't met yet but who would be the right person for you?
Thus, instead of comparing A to B, why not instead compare them both independently against your own internal set of standards for what you want and need in a relationship. And if it turns out that neither guy meets those requirements, then dont' be with either of them.
This may require that you do some work on yourself first to discover what you truly want and need from a relationship and whether you're even in a healthy place to know that. If you have a lot of insecurity about being alone, then that makes it a lot harder to know what you truly want and need from a relationship partner and the strength to gauge if these men have that, because it will seem that being with anyone is better than being with no one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): You need to learn to be more independent and not so in need of a relationship.Your first partner was abusive and so it's a good thing you finally left him. But you didn't leave him because he was abusive. you left him because you found someone better (guy#2).That shows that you hadn't truly sorted out your feelings and centered yourself. You were still in a state of emotional unbalance, which is not a good place from which to be making major life changes.Then when you were with Guy#2, you left him because you were afraid he didn't care for you. But you didn't leave him to be on your own and find someone "better". You left him and went back to your first partner. Not because you decided you actually wanted to be with your first partner, but simply because you were having doubts about Guy#2 and rather than be alone you needed to be with someone, anyone, so you went back to the first guy, the one who was abusive and whom you left already.It looks like insecurity and fear of being alone, needing to be in a relationship, is what has been driving your relationship choices. This is not healthy because then your options are limited ("be with the abusive guy, or be alone? hmm. I'll be with the abusive guy.") And you will always be doubting yourself because your choices are not grounded in a firm sense of self.I would suggest you spend some time being alone and not in any relationship. Learn to be more independent so you know what it is you want, and are not just grabbing onto the first relationship that gives you want you 'need'.
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (22 August 2011):
I know you love him and cant get him out of your head - thats a good thing I think - you cant cheat how you have fallen for him.
My concern more is that you seem not able to be by yourself - you left on relationship, fell for someone else then went straight back to the other one like a security blanket.
You obviously need to work on your self first. Trusting your feelings and working with them with the older man or with your other boyfriend is what you need to work on. And being happy by yourself and being secure to make your own way in the world.
good luck
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A
male
reader, eek  +, writes (22 August 2011):
 Im a man in the same situation as the guy that you had been with for 5 months my gf had a physically abusive partner i was with her 7 months then she went back to her ex. Like you have done. Then he beat her again she came back moved back in i forgave her and started trusting her and now she has gone again back to him again but still says she loves me? The reason i have told you my experience above is your playing with a mans heart. If you do love him go to him, tell him, cut communication with your ex and be with him. If you cant commit yourself to him or cut off the ex let him move on dont play him like my gf is playing me.
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