A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When I think about how fortunate I am to have my mom, part of me thinks, ''why am I complaining?'' But part of me is hurting for my mom because I feel like I'm a worthless daughter and she deserves better. I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I've failed my mom and everyone else, and I feel really bad about myself. My mom has never berated me or done anything to make me feel worthless, I'm just ashamed because lately in life I've been a huge failure. I have the best mom ever, and she's sacrificed all her life for me, which is the biggest imaginable blessing... but I've failed in life and I feel overcome with guilt because I feel like I've let mom down.My mom has NEVER called me stupid. It's just that I KNOW I'm stupid. My mom is always praising me, and she acts like I'm a genius. None of my failures and faults are her fault because she did the best she could. I'm really fortunate, because my mom has sacrificed all her life for me. So many people have parents who treated them like crap, which is so heartbreaking. It's just that I wanted my mom to have something to brag about and I've done nothing but mess my life up and disappoint mom. It's just that I wanted to be the best daugher ever and all my life I was a really ambitious, independent person. I had a really successful overseas career for many years but recently I came ''home'' to the United States, arrogantly thinking it would be easy to get a good job (I have multiple degrees and speak various foreign languages). I put in for jobs left and right but I was bitterly disappointed because I couldn't get anything at all, even though I was seriously TRYING. Anyway, that was last semester. I got sick and tired of being jerked around by HR people and everything else, and my mom got sick and tired of coming home to find me in tears because my resume was thrown in the trash again... so finally my mom got a loan for me to go to grad school for healthcare. It seems like the ''right'' thing to do because I can't get a job, I'm bilingual and have a science background and conform to the prerogatives of the program, and because it's highly marketable. I'm seriously grateful and I'm making very high grades.But... I feel like a serious loser because, at my age, I'm dependent on my mom's help. I feel overcome with guilt because I feel like I've let my mom down. I feel so inadequate and inferior because I should be independent and providing for a family of my own on top of that.My parents are separated, and my dad has berated me and it really hurts. He's said stuff that implied that I'm just using my mom and that I don't really want to work, and that I'm ''too lazy'' to have kids and that I'm a parasite and I've never done anything for myself and that I'm worthless because of the possibility that I can't have children. I was engaged to be married and the retard I was engaged to deserted me after I caught him cheating on Christmas Day. I didn't want to let my parents down but I can't seem to do anything right. My dad has berated me but I understand his disappointment in me and my mom has been all Pollyanna about having a loser daughter. She acts like the fact that I've learned languages and gotten a job in another country is impressive, but if it were, employers would care. Every time I get on Facebook I look at my peers and this one just got an amazing new job and this one just had a gorgeous new baby, then this one got a dog, etc., etc.. I feel like I'm not as capable or worthy as my friends and relatives because I just made a mess out of my life. I feel like a little kid because I never got married and can't get a job. No one thought I was good enough to be a wife and no one thinks I'm smart enough to be hired. Hopefully the job situation will change when I finish my grad classes (it's a semester program) but I am so scared because I've been jerked around by the world so much. Everyone else has beautiful families and careers and by contrast the world just keeps chewing me up and spitting me out. I feel like I'm not smart enough to succeed. In spite of this my mom is always praising me. She thinks I'm ''beautiful'' when I've accepted I'm ugly. I have only had one boyfriend but he cheated on me, and everyone else is married. But my mom thinks I'm beautiful. She thinks I'm a genius at art and that I should devote myself to art, which is my dream but I don't even think I'm talented at all. I am a semi professional commercial artist and people with spoilt pets occasionally commision me to do pet portraits but I bet loads of people can do that.Is it too late to be the best daughter ever and make my mom proud? I feel so terrible for having failed my mom. She hasn't made me feel like a failure, I just haven't met my own standards and I feel so horrible about this. I love my mom very much and in light of all the horrors I've endured in life in the last year, she's the reason I'm alive because otherwise this cold world would have done me in. Somdeay she'll be gone and it breaks my heart to think that she might not get to see me succeed first. Thanks if you can help.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (17 February 2014):
 You're internalizing a lot of outside problems as a flaw with yourself. The economy still sucks right now, and every job is a competitive job, there's no such thing as a shoe-in, even with your credentials. You had little control over your fiance cheating on you. Sounds like he had cold feet. Just because you've "never married" doesn't mean you WON'T marry; that fiance did you a favor of cheating before he locked you into a marriage. Personally, I left facebook because it really gives you a one sided view of people's lives. EVERYONE's life is tough in some way, we all struggle, but all we see online is happy hours and cocktail dresses. It's very distorting, you begin to think, am I the only one having a tough time? and the answer is no, but we choose to put our best feet forward in public.
As a sidenote, IF I were you, I would take my artwork to a professional to get it evaluated, find out, is this something I can do as a career or at least make a serious side job out of (like etsy). But if making art is therapeutic for you, you should probably be doing it regardless.
Your mother loves you. You are your own worst critic. I am like that too. Generally, the problem with berating yourself over a challenging time is that it doesn't make you better, it keeps you in the same psychological state, if not worse than where you started. It's the challenges and the struggles that make this life and defines who we are. If you're not careful, you can be crippled by the self-hate.It sounds like your father may be causing a lot of damage to your self-esteem and you should try to have a conversation about this or else maybe disassociate from him.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (16 February 2014):
 Firstly, I think you may have depression and it would benefit you greatly to speak to your doctor and maybe get some treatment.
Secondly, stop trying to be the world's best daughter, because I'll tell you now, that role does not exist, you can only be a daughter to your mum and that will automatically make you the best whether you feel you deserve it or not.
I am a mother and a daughter and I will tell you right now you mother IS proud of you, right now and every moment.
A mother's role, pride and joy is in supporting, nurturing and watching her children grow develop and succeed. It doesn't matter to us if they make mistakes, that's how we learn, we only care that they are following their dreams and striving for happiness. It also doesn't matter if they're 5 or 55, that bond cannot be broken.
Your mother would rather see you single than married to the wrong man, you may still be studying and she may be supporting you financially to do that, but that's what mother's do! She will be thrilled that you're studying so hard when other's would have thrown the towel in. I would sell everything I owned if it meant I could help my children achieve their dreams and I would not begrudge them a penny.
As for beauty well there is only one beautiful baby in this world and every mother has it, believe me, in your mother's eyes you really are the most beautiful woman she's ever seen or is ever likely to see.
The only thing that would break her heart is knowing how sad you are and how unkind and tough you are on yourself. You're her baby and always will be, listen to her and trust in what she tells you.
If you love her as much as I think you do, please seek professional help and start appreciating what an amazing daughter your mother has.
My thoughts are with you AB x
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