A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:There is this lady "E" who is driving me nuts! Her kids (boy and girl twins with the SAME gender neutral name,let's say J Lee and J Leigh) are turning 10 next month and she drove to our house to drop off an invitation and itinerary. Yes. An itinerary. This party is supposed to be five hours long and says (just like last year "NO GIFTS just bring a dish A-G bring an appetizer, H-M bring an entre... 10am-1045, meet and greet, 1045-12 food and bday wishes etiquette contest, 12-1 meet and learn about the turkeys, rabbits, and pig 12-3 everyone gets to share bikes... I wish I were making this up!She drove to the house off all the people she knew from school a MONTH in advance bc last year she threw the SAME party and virtually no one showed up. We couldn't come and I told her 48 hours ahead of time. I felt terrible her kids got stood up like that but she was a teacher's helper like me and on a Monday she had them come up front and demanded an apology from everyone! When some kids refused and said " nobody likes them and it sucks you make us sit by them at lunch and play with them at recess" I felt terrible for them. But I really resented E too. She was really pushy and demanding. Pushed for assigned seats at lunch and organized games at recess. Constantly pushed myself and other parents about what we were doing this weekend so J Lee and J Leigh could join in...Well, after those cruel kids said that, she had them pack their things and took them home. For good, she homeschooled them. But she took them to the games and performances and acted like nothing happened and invited herself and the kids out to dinner when she heard other people were going! Even then, she tried dictating what OTHER people were ordering and suggested we skip appetizers and just get appetizer plates for all to share, tried to get the moms to have just an empty plate and eat "a little bit of everything" and proceeded to order NOTHING for herself but ate breadsticks salad etc and insisted on "sampling" everyone's dessert.Now the party. She came door to door a month in advance so there would be "no excuse" and insisted on seeing my day planner to make sure I was free! She always demands the parents come to invites because she thinks it's rude to "just drop them off". I really don't like her either because she's so controlling but I feel sorry for her kids.My daughter doesn't want anything to do with them and begged me not to make her annoyed, I understand why, and she was really embarrassed when E told her in front of the class that she and two other kids were " off the hook" because we had "a good excuse". This time I don't because M just doesn't want to go. I kind of feel like making her because I'm afraid the kids will be stood up again. The parents at school are just as annoyed and always say, " aren't they supposed to be gone? If our kids are so mean why does she insist on having her kids play with them?"Two other parents are thinking of making their kids go because we feel sorry for the kids too. One lady said she tried not to open the door but they sang "solid rock" (a church song) until she let them in. E has been calling daily to see if we can come.I guess I'll make M go but when will it end? How do I tell E that she's the reason no one likes her kidsThere's other reasons too, actually, but it's not their fault. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Sounds like you handled it well! Hope it works out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): Thank you thank you thank you! I tried a bit of all of your advice. I want to clarify that E no longer has J Lee and J Leigh in school, she is homeschooling them. She (I ass u me) takes them to games and performances at the school to KEEP them from being isolated. E is not a stupid woman, she does have a teaching degree but elected to NOT teach or work outside home bc the twins were born. She has a husband and he seems nice enough and safe enough but they're an odd couple. He's barely literate and also deaf - I don't speak sign. He does maintenance through their church. I think E is just lonely but...She knows EXACTLY what she's doing and she's a control freak. I did tell her M wouldn't be going and she broke down. Not screaming or throwing things... Flat out crying. I told her i did feel bad because I was bullied. I have two sons too: "Reuben" is 15, "Joel" is 7. Both got bullied. I know how devastating it is. I just said I was afraid this party will be like last year's and it would break my heart for them. I told her maybe her party idea was TOO structured for people and maybe we should just stick with neutral places like parks and water parks. I asked her why she didn't give another school a chance: there's a real good one attached to her church and I'm sure her preacher would help them financially. I do feel bad for her but I said maybe us and the two parents who feel bad for them could go to a park together and BBQ. I did talk to those moms and NONE of us allow our children to be mean.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (21 May 2016):
Crumbs... She is highly strung and totally oblivious to the effect she is having on her children and how she os viewed....do you think she is autistic at all? She maybe...
Honesty has to be the only way forward. No lies, excuses- if she is this full on and in your face, then you can do the same. Be upfront and honest- as kindly as you can, but assertively so. Give her chance to explain why she acts like this? Explain that people want to like her, but she is intolerable with the way she conducts herself and explain why, saying what she couldaube do instead
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 May 2016):
How to tell her?
You write it down, the notes you need to talk to her about, so you don't forget.
Then you visit her at home and ask if you can have a word with her. Then lay it all on the table. This method will ensure that she never speaks to you again.
Second method, if you want to try and make things easier for her kids (when their mom bothers you and everyone else this much, just multiply that by ten or twenty, and you will have how much she bothers her own family and especially her own kids....). If you have sympathy for her kids and want to reach out to them, then attend the birthday party with or without your own kids, and tell E in advance that you will arrive at this and that time, and can only stay for two hours. If she asks why, then keep it simple and say something like "Two hours is enough time" or "That is the extent of the time I can set aside to a birthday celebration".
And, you can always invite her kids home to spend time at your house. WITH YOU, mind you, not to force them on your own kids. But to get the twins a break from their crazy mom. They can sit at home with you and do their homework, or draw, or play computer games, what do I know. But they don't necessarily have to play with your kids. You are the one inviting them, so you can give them some activity to do, and if your own child wants to join then is is voluntary. That's the better way to make friends anyway, not do mandatory set-ups.
Anyway, that's my suggestion. I would probably go with the last suggestion myself, as you never know what goes on behind closed doors, and there can be a lot else going on at home with these twins, especially since they are home schooled. Their mother sounds a bit out of the loop, there might be other things going on. So excluding the twins from society, just because their mother is a nut case, doesn't sound very fair to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): I agree with Honeypie. I don't think you should force your daughter to attend the birthday party. I'm a teacher and while it's good for children to mix it's not helpful if they aren't doing something they're all likely to enjoy and there isn't a supportive adult there to guide them.In this case there will be "E" running things and the visiting children are going to be unhappy and resentful from the start as they're forced to be there. Make no mistake all the children understand exactly what is going on. Children can't cover things up the way we adults do and "E"s poor twins could end up feeling humiliated. I remember attending a birthday party around the same age and two of the girls started being bitchy to the birthday girl. She ended up in floods of tears and we all had to go home early. This could end up going a similar way if not worse.Your desire to help these poor children is commendable however if I'd be firm and make it clear that your daughter will not be attending as she isn't friends with "E"s children with no further discussion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Oh HECK no! I would not be manipulated into MAKING my kids do something they REALLY don't want to do ( that they really don't have to do) this is like when parents tell little Jane or Joe to kiss & hug uncle Bob, when they kids don't want to (and YOU the adult don't want to do either cause uncle Bob stinks and gropes EVERYONE!)
If your kids do not WANT to go, don't make them.
The mom is a NUTTER! Seriously! She invites kids and have parents of those kids BRING the food? WT....?! No. Demanding to see your day-planner? No... Seriously.. NO NO NO.
I do feel sorry for her kids. But I don't think MY own kids should have to "suffer" this kind of ridiculousness because I feel sorry for the kids. If the twins and MY kids aren't FRIENDS in school and out of school, there is no WAY I would "force" them to go. I think it's even WORSE for the twins if they know kids only show up out of pity. And TRUST me, those kids know. Kids are smart. They know when they have a "nutter" for a parent.
I would simply tell her: "thanks for the invite, but we can't make it". YOU DO NOT OWE HER a reason why. YOU DO NOT OWE her to show her your day-planner.
I would also suggest that you TALK to which ever teacher she is a "helper" for and have THAT teacher tell her NOT to bring personal issue up in the class room, IT IS NOT appropriate of her to have kids be reprimanded for NOT wanting to go to a birthday party. WHAT in the WORLD is the teacher thinking to ALLOW THIS?!
I don't know if being totally and brutally honest with this woman will change her, I think THIS is who she is (a total nut, but a VERY loving mom). But I'm sorry (call me cold or rude) I would NOT cave to this kind of manipulation, and I would NOT make my kids go out of pity for her kids.
I think you NEED to learn to say no, and mean it.
SAY what you mean and MEAN what you say.
If she shows up at a restaurant and you can't make yourself tell her to go find herself another table - you CAN at least tell her that her suggestion for what you should buy is very nice of her but NOT what you CHOOSE to do.
I think this lady is VERY used to get people to do what she wants by putting them in AWKWARD social situations. Like showing up UNINVITED at a restaurant and sitting with people who CHOSE not to invite her, and THEN proceed to manipulate them into ordering dishes so SHE can eat and not have to pay.
Now I called her a nutter in the beginning and yes, I think she has a screw lose - but she is VERY aware on how to manipulate people emotionally, by putting them on the spot. And that... is something I don't tolerate well.
Basically she is a MASTER of taking a mile when offered an inch.
I wouldn't feel guilty AT all for saying no, thanks we can't make it. Why should I? Why should you?!
I would also STOP discussing this lady with the other parents. If they ask, I'd say:" I was taught that if I can't say something nice, it's better to say nothing at all." Now if they ask if you are taking your kids, I'd tell them no. My kids aren't friends with the twins so I'm not going to make them.
I guess I'm just a really salty lady.... Life it too short to take crap from people like this woman.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (21 May 2016):
 Oh dear, I feel your pain. Thing is I don't believe her children should be punished for her out of control behaviour. I would imagine living with such a tyrant would make life difficult enough with out having to miss out on a simple pleasure of having and enjoying a birthday party. Its horrible but I too would be insisting that my child go but not without explaining why you feel it is important and take it as an opportunity to teach M about the act of selflessness. When the time comes,if this woman starts be honest and tactful,let her know that you had actually given thought to not coming at all. The reason being, to be honest ,her approach is overbearing and off putting. No need for rudeness, just kind expression. If she takes it the wrong way, well then she takes it the wrong way.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (21 May 2016):
 I think this might be a good occasion for your daughter and others to start learning how to understand certain situations. Like what they might find with the twins mother E?
E is not a danger or threat to anyone that you mentioned (accept to herself), basically she’s really high strung, much organised in fact. Yet bottom line is referring to the party; she still likes to see people have fun even though it’s very structured compared to the norm? That is her sense of order in which keeps her sane but sends other people incredibly batty.
It takes a mature parent to educate their children of the times and occasions they’ll come across odd quirky people in this world. I think we all started learning it somewhere like birthday parties… and E would be a perfect example for you to point out that E’s intentions are basically well intended… and keeping it to yourself that’s she’s a dang nutcase for knocking door to door etc.
Nonetheless as much as I think E is a human repellent the twins are children and shouldn’t be penalised for their mother’s oddities. That’s for the Adults to sort out.
Personally I got to commend E for her tenacity and love for her children to invite her critic’s children to the twins’ birthday party again. I wager she knows she’s not popular, but what guts to invite guests just the same?
Since you are the vocal member of this group of disgruntled parents, you may consider talking to E one on one for your concern about her rigid structured personality. E may well be her own worst enemy; reason being there are no genuine friends, but it doesn’t mean she does deserve friendly advice to tune it down.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 May 2016):
 What exactly do you have to lose by being totally honest with E about her behaviour?
Either she'll be upset and you and your child will be uninvited or she might actually take it to heart and tone it down. This is a win/win.
I would not force M to go and I would send E an email explaining why, the TRUTH, and not some watered down/sugar coated version of it.
This woman is obviously quite comfortable intruding upon the boundaries of others (demanding to see your planner???) and she relies on folks like you being too polite to say anything. The only thing she understands is unapologetic, brutal honesty.
This is not mean. It's honest. You have every right to establish limits for yourself and you are responsible for protecting the boundaries of your children. Your children must learn that they are not supposed to be polite at all costs. They must learn to think and act for themselves and they have every right not to attend this event with this dreadful woman if they don't want to.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 May 2016):
 I do feel sorry for her children as they will be learning her traits and that is probably why nobody wants to hang out with them, it is probably because they hear their parents saying they dont like E as well. It really is a horrible situation to be in. I think you should sit down and talk to M, ask her how she would feel if nobody came to her party? Ask her will she go so that they are not feeling left out and sad. If she still refuses well I wouldn't force her, as she is only a child. Just tell E that you will not be attending and if she asks tell her it is confidential and that she should respect your privacy. She will soon get the hint.
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