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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm only at university, but I don't see the point of short-term flings or spending time with guys who don't obviously respect you, and I want an old-fashioned romance. Maybe not a movie, picture-perfect relationship, but one that actually means something centred around commitment and love and trust. The problem, though, is that I feel like my values are really outdated. I won't have sex before marriage so I've started only dating other Christian guys, but, no matter where I look, I can't find a guy around my age (19) who's a gentleman who really respects women and knows what he wants to do with his life, and isn't a complete killjoy but is still as serious as I am about the things I feel matter. Hardly anyone I know even takes their degrees seriously. If I started dating one, chances are they wouldn't be able to find a stable job after graduating which would probably put stress on our relationship.I would never do stuff like sleep around or get involved with guys who are clearly bad people, but am I relying too much on an old-fashioned ideal by wanting a guy who actually acts the way men used to?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! :) Yeah, I guess there is an obvious difference between romantic love and long-lasting love which makes people stick together for life. I guess I can't really compromise on my ideal, either, and I'm not one to settle for less regarding things so I'll just try to hang out in the places you'd find guys like this more and see how it goes.
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female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (12 June 2013):
It's great that you know what you want.But as you've pointed out, the guy that you are looking for is in the minority.Part of having an exact idea of what you're looking for means you'll have to wait until you meet them. It might happen tomorrow, it might happen in 10 years.You'll have to be patient. All you can do right now is to maximise your chances of meeting someone like that. Hang out where you are most likely to meet someone with those values.And in the mean time stop stressing about not finding someone when you know you're not willing to compromise on your ideal. It's a waste of your time and energy.
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reader, Serpico  +, writes (12 June 2013):
I dont think its stupid to wait till marriage. I dont think its stupid to expect a man to be a gentleman. I dont think its stupid to enjoy a little romance.
I do think its stupid to confuse the excitement of the beginning of a relationship ("romantic love") as being real love. "Romantic love" is thinking lovey-dovey thoughts about someone all the time. Real love is staying with someone for 60 years after they are confined to a wheelchair because of an accident. Very different things, as you can tell with just a little thought.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies :). Yeah, I'm not trying to push early for commitment, but it would be nice to know that a guy actually has some intention of committing should we get along. I know people from all over uni, to the Christian Society to the running club, but unfortunately not many guys seem to be looking for a serious girlfriend as opposed to an arrangement that revolves around sex. The attitude of entitlement most guys have to sex here is pretty shocking; obviously I can understand where they're coming from, but some can be fairly rude about it.By romantic love and something being "old-fashioned", I don't mean looking at a guy once and then having him shower me with roses like they do in Hollywood, but I don't value just sex particularly highly, though I obviously don't care if other people do, and I want someone who cares about more than that. I'd prefer someone who has his stuff together, as well: I don't think it's asking for too much that someone's relatively hard-working and values his studies, surely?I only date Christians not just because of shared values and so on, but I couldn't see myself marrying a non-Christian; and obviously the no sex before marriage thing is an issue as well.
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reader, dougbcoll +, writes (12 June 2013):
 you have a good head own your shoulders, you know were you are at in life, and you know where you want to be. you have good values, don't settle for less. yes God has made the person out there for You. just don't look for a perfect person from a check list they don't exist , because life is not perfect, and people are not perfect. we all have flaws, and are imperfect. only God is perfect. the problem today it seems young men want to stay less mature than they should be for their age. that creates guys that are not ready to commit till later. the boys need to grow up and be men. there is a guys out there that feels like you do, so don't give up. don't give up on your moral values, if you do you will settle for heart ache, and regret later. at age nineteen a lot of guys are not too mature yet. look at churches also. that man that God has for you may not be nineteen, he may be two, or four more years older than you. i have been married for thirty years. when i met my wife she was sixteen, and i was twenty. don't give up. there is still people (guys) that like romance, that still have values out there. you just have to look past all the party animals, and people that are living reckless. seeing them you soon start thinking that ( people like that) is all that is out there. i hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cerberus: you've completely misunderstood my post.
I'm not "asking the same question", hence why I asked another question. Due to exams recently I didn't have time to log on and write a reply till yesterday - how is that "not considering anything" you said to me?
TBH, I don't see why you're taking major offence at the fact I have such strict standards: "You're far too stubborn, and far too unwilling to explore other ideas and give guys who don't fit into your perfect mould a chance."
Why is wanting these qualities in a guy asking that they conform to a "perfect mould"? I'm not exactly specifying what height they must be, or what salary they earn, as several girls my age do. Why am I being "stubborn and unwilling" for having standards - especially regarding something as fundamental as someone's personality? Why is a girl having high - and hardly unreasonable - standards something that makes her "stubborn" and "unwilling?"
If other people (including you) have a different set of standards, that's cool - just don't be judgmental and try to insist that it's stupid how high I choose to set my standards, because I'm not being judgmental of wherever you've chosen to set yours.
"you said you've dated old fashioned guys and they didn't respect your opinion about helping your gay Muslim friend..." No, I did not, I said I'd dated *one* Christian guy who had a certain opinion of homosexual people. In fact, my post is all about how I CAN'T find an old-fashioned guy, even among Christians. TBH, it's pretty annoying how you're reading exactly what you want to read into my posts.
Why is being old-fashioned a way "that I don't even live by"? Being old-fashioned doesn't mean opposing abortion or homosexuality or whatever. In fact, seeing as the word can be construed a number of ways, I defined being old-fashioned very clearly in my OP as being someone who "really respects women and knows what he wants to do with his life, and isn't a complete killjoy but is still as serious as I am about the things I feel matter." Where in there does it say that someone has to take an overly conservative and fundamental view of anything? Respecting women and being serious about your degree, and accepting "modern ways" like someone being able to think for herself, are hardly mutually exclusive.
At no point in my post did I imply that I wanted this kind of guy:
"That old fashioned Christian man thinks gay people are abhorrent and sinful, that abortion is murder and that you really should be aiming to serve him as much as you serve god in your life... You're looking for a guy who is a way that you don't even live by."
Obviously I've met the kinds of guys you describe above, but as I quite clearly stated, that is not what I meant by "old fashioned."
To be honest, you seem to have a problem with the fact (1) I'm only dating Christian guys (2) I'm pretty conservative in some ways and want to wait till marriage and (3) I have high standards. Feel free to contradict me on this, but that's how I'm reading your post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Just to make it clear OP, you don't have to sacrifice your values to find the right guy by being less strict in your conditions.
Your perfect match may not even be Christian yet you won't consider that. He may not be 100% serious about his degree but may still be just successful, but you won't consider that either.
You know your greatest relationship may turn out to be with a non-Christian who respects your faith 100% and will even raise your kids that way, is willing to wait until marriage, may not know where he wants to go with his life at the moment but is very hard working, treats you like a queen and lives his life to improve yours and is just a guy who compliments your personality perfectly. But you may never meet such a guy until you open your mind and try some out, ones that don't fit perfectly into your vision of what a man should be.
Romantic love exists in so many different forms OP, but you've chosen only to ever attempt one form and your dating pool is extremely limited because of that. What's even more crazy is that the type of guy you think you want is not even suited to you as a person.
Broaden your horizons OP and explore the potential of men who don't fit into your ideal, you will be surprized how compatible you'll be with guys you really didn't think you would be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): OP your problem isn't romantic love, your problem is your very strict set of conditions that you won't budge on.
You want a 19 year old Christian, who is open minded, will wait until marriage, who is fun but also serious about the exact things you feel that matter, a 1940's gentleman type but who also respects your right as an equal to have an opinion? I remember your post from last week OP and you're basically asking the same question and didn't consider anything we said to you.
OP your standards are too strict and they're contradictory too. You're not going to find a 19 year old who is serious about his degree that is going to have much time to devote to dating and be a Christian guy who is open to your beliefs on homosexuality, abortion who will also wait until marriage.
You're far too stubborn, and far too unwilling to explore other ideas and give guys who don't fit into your perfect mould a chance. In my 20 years of dating I never once dated a woman who had every single quality I was looking for but we worked really well together.
OP your standards aren't even old fashioned, you said you've dated old fashioned guys and they didn't respect your opinion about helping your gay Muslim friend.
Not only do you live in one of the most secular countries in the world, but you seem not to realize that those who still practice Christianity there are more conservative than you like.
You want an old fashioned guy to accept you're a modern woman with modern views? Where's the logic in that? You want a gentleman but you're not an old fashioned Christian lady OP because those ladies are women who defer their opinion to their man, as the bible says they should and they're the subservient one in the relationship.
Yes you are relying too much on an old fashioned ideal that you don't even adhere to OP. That old fashioned Christian man thinks gay people are abhorrent and sinful, that abortion is murder and that you really should be aiming to serve him as much as you serve god in your life.
You're looking for a guy who is a way that you don't even live by.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): No you are not. Stick to your ideals. There is a guy out there, similar age to you, that wants what you want. Don't settle for anyone less. He is out there, and will come in to your life. You can't be with someone else when he turns up, so keep that position open till he arrives. Don't ever settle for anything less than what you really want. My sons are true gentlemen. They have been bought up that way. One of my sons won't date any of the girls he knows, and has been single for quite some time. He won't settle. He has high values. Those men are out there. Enjoy your family and friends in the mean time.
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reader, queenadelaide +, writes (12 June 2013):
There's someone for everyone.Join as many societies as possible to maximise the chances of finding your match including the Christian Society if you have one. Or the volunteering societies. Join the more academic or career orientated societies as well. You are more likely to meet someone more mature who knows what they want to do with their life there.For the record my partner, who I met at university, is a gentleman who really respects women and knows what he wants to do with his life, and isn't a complete killjoy but is still as serious as I am about the things I feel matter.You will find someone - just don't judge the people who are not right for you as bad. They are allowed to have different values about the issue of sex before marriage from you. Respect others as you would like them to respect you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Define "romance". If you are talking about those Hollywood/Bollywood movies, that romance never existed. Neither in the past, nor in the present.
You are a good girl and you have high values. That's great. But please be aware of this fact that a girl who pushes too early for commitment scares all the guys away. You don't have to be a slut to hang out with guys. Find a good guy, spend time with him without thinking about commitment, and if he is Mr. right, he will eventually commit without being asked to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): When I was in America, there were a few good Christian guys that were as you describe. There ARE guys are there like this, good for you for respecting yourself and wanting the best! Perhaps if all girls were like, we would get respected more. I believe in God but have sex out of marriage (I know it's wrong,) but I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is loyal and devoted and wants to move in together and get married and have children. He wants to get a good 9 - 5 job too. I think it's great that you believe in romantic love, I certainly have a romantic relationship and there are lots of guys out there like that. The sex before marriage bit is tricky because society has changed so much, but I actually know 2 Christian couples who waited to get married before sex. As for a gentleman who resoects women and knows what to do with his life, there are certainly lots of great guys out there as you describe.
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