A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been engaged for a couple of years. My fiance is a department head and he works with all women and very few men. The girl he dated before, he had a picture of them together on his office desk and word love was on the picture frame. I remember this, because he showed me pictures of him and her on our second date together. She dumped him, she broke his heart and all that. They dated less than a year. He loved her, wanted to marry her. You get the picture (no pun intended). Anyway, it appears he put her picture on his desk very quickly after they first started to date. He had fallen for her really fast. She was very pretty.He has a picture of his kids from his first marriage on his desk now. He does have me on his screensaver.I had asked him recently why there was no picture of him and me on his desk. He said he didn't want to expose his vulnerabilities since he works with all women.I am wondering and I am betting it was because of what happened with the last girlfriend and if we were to break up he doesn't want the embarrassment again, like hedging his bets. Then of course you wonder about yourself and that maybe he is thinking he is trading down and I need to get real here, I am not the looker like his ex-girlfriend was. But, then I think wouldn't he want to show off his now fiancee. Maybe it grates on me that he put his ex-girlfriend's picture up of them together so fast and not of us. He didn't seem to have a problem with it back then with them. I try not to get jealous but the comparisons of his actions to then and now seem to be a telling tale in this case.
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at work, engaged, ex girlfriend, fiance, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): Hi I wish I had this problem with my ex boyfriend!! I'd love if someone had me on their screensaver! My first boyfriend had a picture of a topless pornstar on his phone desktop, it could be worse.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 February 2014):
 I think you equate him having HAD a picture of his ex and not you with HE must have LOVED her more.
And that isn't true. He has you on his computer, not in a frame, so every time he sits down to work, guess what? HE SEES you.
I agree with FA a framed picture reminds him if HER (and you don't want that, right?) I gave my husband a calender with funny sayings/quotes for his desk - I had already put in little notes from me through out the calender so he might turn a page and "boom" little greeting from me. (they weren't allowed to personalize it with pictures, though MANY still did, he chose not to and I respect that.) I did a similar thing for him when he was deployed - just adding picture of the kids, cats and me with a count down to end- of deployment, and R&R (even though those days weren't set in stone).
Give him PERSONAL that doesn't SCREAM my WIFE gave me this. something that when HE looks at it he thinks of YOU. When others look at it they think that is nice, pretty, interesting....
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A
female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (14 February 2014):
He does have your picture in his office -- it's just on his computer instead of in a frame on his desk. I wouldn't worry about it.
At least he doesn't still have a picture of his ex there!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 February 2014):
 All relationships are different. Don't make the mistake of comparing your relationship with him to his ex's. Maybe he doesn't have your picture up because he doesn't want to be reminded of her. Yes, it would remind him of her, even if it's you on the picture. The point is is that A PICTURE was there, and he may have connected it to the breakup.
Let him have his own relationship with you. Stop putting insecurities about your looks in this, and remember, the other girl wasn't with him as long and WASN'T his fiance.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 February 2014):
 You are in his heart where it counts, do you REALLY have to be on his desk just so you can be shown off to other people?
I agree with FA, he had a bad break up, he wants things to be different now. If your relationship is strong, token reminders are not needed at all.
Be happy, stop looking for fault.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): Well his answer that he doesn't want to appear vulnerable to his staff is just that, a cover answer to what he is really thinking. That has left you dangling and wondering what is really going on.It could be all that you have questioned here from him being dumped by the ex and than having to remove their picture from his office, to maybe things won't work out between you two and he would have to remove another picture or as you say that you think he downgraded in his choice of his next girlfriend, you...OR he wants to appear single or maybe has a work crush on someone and your picture would inhibit that. Who knows, really.I'd just forget about it. It's his issue. Don't think of yourself as being downgraded. Accept yourself for who you are. If he doesn't see you as a treasure, there are plenty of men that would be more than willing to date you and have you in their lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): I had a similar situation and the ex-girlfriend was beautiful and my now ex boyfriend had a picture of them in his office and she dumped him too. Then we dated and no picture was put in his office of us together ever. He wanted to appear single and available to the ladies in his office or any other random female that he may have come in contact with during the course of the business day. Needless to say, I dumped him shortly after that.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 February 2014):
 It's NOT "all about you"!!!!! Try to convince yourself that this is no issue, at all.... except and unless YOU want to make it one.....
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 February 2014):
 OK
I loved this post and I loved the title, and I had all these funny things to say about my desk . . . then I read it all. Here is the deal this is simply a matter of translating Man into something you can understand. I'm going to tell you a story then I'll pitch in some free advice.
I make kitchen cabinets. We had a couple come in to go over plans that was about your age. We got to the corner and I asked if he wanted a lazy susan there. HE said no way he didn't want anything named Susan in this house. That was half the reason for building the new house (to get away from Susan) So I sold them a lazy daisy.
Do you get the point. Your picture on his desk would remind him of her. That is the tale that is being told. He doesn't want anything that reminds him of her in any way. Everything is new for you. The fact that your picture is not on his desk is a rejection of her, not of you.
I promised you some advice to go along with your translation. Like many women you judge yourself too harshly. He chose you and has stuck with you. Focus on that. About working with a lot of women. This guy is pretty smart. Having his kids on his desk sends a message to anyone who walks in. His priority is not finding a new fling. The cutesy Love frame was probably a mistake and gave the wrong impression. It was also probably a gift from her. In his shoes I'd just quietly start wearing a wedding ring. Ok so that was advice for him. Advice for you. Drop the picture questions. It reminds him of her. You don't want to remind him of her, You want him thinking of you. that is the reason you want him to have your picture. You need to find another way to put your presence in his workspace.
Here are a few common suggestions. Scented letters. scent is emotionally powerful. Notes in his lunch. Something he can wear, (even socks). A motivational plaque. Whatever you choose it needs to be uniquely you, and distinctly not her.
FA
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