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female
age
51-59,
*ellowdal
writes: I have a question. My husband and I are seperated because he can't stop cheating on me. For Christmas we were together till lunchtime to share it together with the kids. My brother is having a huge Christmas dinner for our family this year and my soon to be ex-husband and brother have for some reason gotten really close. This has really upset me. I have decided not to attend the Christmas dinner at his house. My soon to be ex was invited to come with his mother. So right now they are at my brothers house while I am home in pure solitude. Is it right for me to think that this is strange that my soon to be ex husband and his mother are at my families large Christmas dinner without me? I think that it is crazy and completely disfunctional. Please reply
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006): I had a thought about this....perhaps your soon to be ex is trying to forge an ally in your brother because he wants to hold onto your marriage, and your brother is also not letting go and giving up on the two of you either, so he invited him and his mother to show that he is behind the marriage if you should decide to continue it in the future.....
Perhaps you need to work this out with the soon to be ex, and tell him how his involvement in your extended family makes you feel as you intend to divorce him, and although you think it is wonderful and necessary to be in your kids lives, that perhaps he could draw the line at big family gatherings and holiday celebrations....and see whether or not he will agree to give you a repreive....
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female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (25 December 2006):
 I agree with you that it seems dysfunctional and strange. I am in a similar position though not as direct as yours and I think 'in laws'have a difficult problem letting go of a person they like and do not want to cast off just because you are seperated. It could seem reasonable to them that if you spent the morning with your ex that it could be OK to continue and include him in their celebration. In retrospect, it was probably better for you to go too, but in not going it may have made you look childish (if though it isn't) and in a sense you have shot yourself in the foot by isolating yourself. I do think your brother has behaved insensitively to your feelings, assuming he is fully aware of the circumstances. As for the mother in law, she is in a way an innocent party and probably has fears of losing her grandchildren etc in the long term. There is no real answer but perhaps when you next see your family you should calmly express how difficult it was for you and you hope they will be more understanding in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2006): I agree with you. It is highly unusual. Your soon to be ex-husband has obviously taken on another role in your brother's family and it's a .friend to your brother. Your feelings are not wrong--you are objecting because in lieu of what this man has done to you (cheating and other nasties) ..you find family dinners at your brother's home, with the ex there, hard to deal with. I don't blame you. Personally, I think your brother made a bad call but he may also be thinking..he's going to not allow his feelings for what's happenedbetween you both, be prejudicial about his feelings toward your ex. You are going to have to make your own decisoion on how to deal with this in the future. It's plain to see, irregardless of what you and the ex are enduring together-your brother and his family wants to include both of you in family functions, for different reasons. In my opinion, it is time for you to find the strength and inner resources to accept this and emotionally detach (if you can), ignore the ex and act gracefully at future family dinners, if you both are asked to attend or simply-you have the choice to not attend. You are within your right to remain at home. So, do I think it's a happy, ideal compromise. No. I think it's a crappy thing for you to have to deal with and I am sorry. There is nothing you can do to change this situation. Your brother can decide who he invites to his home.
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