A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It's is shallow to want to break up with someone because they lack intelligence? I'm having a hard time being in this relationship because my boyfriend's lack of intelligence and common sense. His decision making is poor, and his mental capacity is extremely small, he doesn't get anything. His mind state is the same as a 11 year old. He's intrigued by things that I have no interest in at all. He ask questions like "Is it true thst you can get breast cancer if someone rubs your breasts?" I give him a list of things to pick up from the store, he might come back with one or two items. And he days he forgot to get the other things, hello refer to the list. He's very irresponsible, he gets paid and wastes the money, can't explain how he spent it, he refuses to pay bills like his phone bill, car insurance. He feels better if he has the money on hand to waste. We have 3 kids and no heat or hot water in our house. I paid my phone, the lights, whatever the kids need and i just needed him to pay the gas bill. I can't depend on him for anything. I work with highly educated people and I'm afraid to bring him to company functions because as soon as he opens his mouth you'd laugh and walk away. You can't even entertain a conversation with this idiot. Suggestions anyone please
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female
reader, k4ren  +, writes (2 December 2016):
Hello,
your partner sounds very much like my husband who I would describe in the same way as you have, the same. My husband has Aspergers Syndrome and the lack of wisdom, general intelligence and common sense drives me mad, but he cannot help it. Do you think it is possible that your partner is a sufferer of Aspergers? If so, read lots of books about it and decide if you can live with that for the rest of your life.
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (22 October 2014):
 You aren't shallow. You aren't compatible with him. You can't date someone who disgusts you and embarrasses you. You have a high level of contempt for him as well and talk very badly about him. You ask if it makes you shallow to feel this way? It doesn't matter even if someone thought it does, you can't date someone you feel this way about. Your boyfriend shouldn't be someone you pity, someone you feel too guilty about leaving so you stick around. It wouldn't matter if everyone on this post said you were mean and shallow for thinking this way (which you aren't), you can't change how you feel towards him.
I dated a guy who was a moron once. Lost all respect for him, just a dumb guy who everyone took advantage of. They are frustrating to be in a relationship with. Your guy is a different level though and I really question what is wrong with him. Maybe he should see a doctor, he doesn't seem to be able to function as an adult and that is an issue. Either way he isn't someone you should be dating anymore. Break up and move on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 October 2014):
 Its a compatibility thing. Intelligent people are not compatible with the dumb. It's not shallow at all, it's just how things are.
I dated a dumb man some years ago. It got to me too. I just didn't respect him at all in the end. He was like a 5 year old, and I felt more like his mother than a girlfriend. But it was wrong of me to disrespect him, even if he's dumb. I should have just left him alone to play with friends on his own mental level.
Just end things. It's not the right relationship for you, or for him. He needs someone at his own level, and you really need someone at your own level.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): He could have a chemical imbalance which is very possible ?....
Or it's drugs......or both
Don't beat yourself up, I think he is smarter than you think, just sounds like drugs or chemical imbalance. If you can get him to a doctors appt and can be stratify with th doctors I would do it, of. Ot try tough love and kick him out, that's hard to do. I was with someone that was very smart, and did that occasionally , it was drugs
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo eyes wide open, he wasn't always like that. My 2yr old is his biologically. His mother told me that he used to receive social security benefits and after while had to be reevaluated for continuation of benefits. She said he "played smart" so the benefits were discontinued. I'm assuming the benefits were for a learning disability or something but shd told me he received benefits because he was allergic to milk and would scratch his skin off as a child. I really dont know the story because clearly that's a lie. Point is he "plays smart" not necessarily smarter than the average but at least competent. If it was always like that i wouldn't have anything to complain about. At this point he can't even answer a question. Ask him where, i get who. Ask what, I get where. Ask where, I get what. I'm not the smartest person in the world but this is crazy
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 October 2014):
 Did his stupidity and incompetence come on suddenly? Was he like one day intelligent and loaded with common sense AND had your total respect...and then BAM the next day dumb as a post? Because if he was always like this then who is really the dummy for having 3 kids with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the replies. He doesnt do drugs or drink liquor. There maybe a learning disability, he said he was in special education classes when he in school. He "plays" smart or normal. I guess it takes a alot of effort because the more comfortable he is around a person the less need there is to impress them with intelligence. I never took him to be a genius but I thought he was at least normal. I thought maybe because in 4 years you have to grow mentally and have learned something in that amount time and he has NOT. Im out oc patience. I tried to end it but he doesn't feel like there's anything wrong. It is like having a 4th child! We were at the kids doctors appt and they asked my oldest son how many siblings he had and he said one sister and one brother and my bf said 2 brothers if you include me. He thinks I'm his mom and that I'm responsible for him
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 October 2014):
 No it's not shallow. He sounds like he needs a MOM more then a GF, and with 3 KIDS he acts THIS irresponsible? Any of those kids his? Or does he just not GRASP the severity of having kids?
Does he have a learning disability? He kind of sounds like one of my BIL's who was in a car accident when he was 17 - he looks absolutely "normal", but he has the maturity and brain function of a 5 year old, he is about 40 now. He lives with my FIL and a couple of months ago some chick CONNED him into taking out a payday loan using his disability pay - he signed the papers thinking he would get some SEX for the money (he is that simple minded) and she KNEW it. So now... HE is paying off a loan for some money HE isn't getting... My FIL had been reluctant to have him declared incompetent, but he really should. That chick isn't the first to take advantage of him, and even worse he has fathered about 8 kids, none of which HE himself can pay child support to.
Please make sure he doesn't knock you up. And if he is THAT USELESS in the relationship, why not JUST end it and move on? You might just be doing a LOT better on your own.
And I agree with Cindy, you shouldn't BE with a guy you feel such contempt for. That has nothing to do with being shallow/not shallow. That is just YOU wasting your rime on a man you don't find worthy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): Has he been checked for aspergers? Some of what you say here really ties up with the behaviours of a person who has aspergers, for example: not being able to handle finances, social inadequacy etc. Aspergers comes in many forms from mild to severe. I know a couple people who have this condition which is why I ask about it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 October 2014):
 Are you sure he is not on drugs ?... The forgetfulness, the need for cash, the inability to explain were the money has gone... ?
Anyway : no, I don't think that " shallow " has got anything to do with one's need for having a partner with an average I.Q. and some degree of social functionality. The way you describe this guy makes him sound like a psychiatric case, so I don't think you can be blamed if you don't have in yourself the vocation of being his psychiatric nurse more than his partner.
On the other hand, whether it's shallow or not, I think you need to leave this guy in both's interest . You speak about him with utter absolute contempt; I am not saying that he may not deserve your contempt, but when you judge your partner an idiot, and are ashamed to be with him in public, then it's high time to part ways because neither can be happy in the relationship.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 October 2014):
 No this is completely different from physical attraction like height or hair color, or how much he makes. He is like your fourth child and can be a danger when left alone with kids. You are too burdened by doing everything yourself. When you don't live with him you don't have the resentment of not being able to be helped by him. I am not sure if you have all 3 kids with him because I don't understand why you only see the real him after all these years. You need legal advice and he needs someone (not you) to manage his money. He may have a mental age of a kid but that doesn't absolve him the responsibility for child support.
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