A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has two kids from a previous marriage. One is 7, and the other one is 5. They are two very hyper boys. We have a 9 week old together. I never knew his boys were living with their mothers grandmother. So, not too long ago, she told my bf she wants my boyfriend to have custody of them. Which upset me. I would rather them living with there MOM, and coming to visit only. I'm only 19, he is 27. He works two jobs, I'm a stay at home mom, but I want to go to work, and school. I don't want to be taking care of two OTHER kids that are not mine... To top it off. One of the kids might not be is. He was saying all this stuff that he wants a DNA test, now he is backing out and doesn't want one.I told him feeding an extra mouth is not easy. Especially is he's not even yours and I really want one more child in about two years....Is it selfish of me for me to not want them to live with us?Do I have a say so?Should I talk to him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Of course it's being selfish, that's not a bad thing though, but it's not feasible either. He has kids to take care of including your kid. If somehow or other you were unable to take of your kid would you want him to step up and take responsibility or would you be happy with him just passing it off to an old woman to raise because his new girlfriend doesn't want to take care of them?OP the only say you have is what happens to your kid, you have no control over what he does with his other two, you're not married therefore you're not even their stepmother, so if he decides to take care of them there's nothing you can do except ask him to leave.OP the only bit of leverage you have here is the age of your current child, it is far too young to cause such a huge disruption to its life. The best you can hope for is a delay, wait until the child is a bit older before introducing the storm of two kids to it.But if the mother is insistent and their grandmother is very old then the only choice he has is raise them or put them into care. He's already shirked his responsibility enough by letting them stay with their grandmother, that's not a good sign if you want to ensure your own childs future OP because if he won't take care of the kids he has now, the god forbid anything were to happen to you but he may just as easily pass off responsibility of yours too.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 You got involved with a man who has a lot of baggage and you have to deal with it now. If the kids' mom doesnt want them, then the father has to take care of them. They cant just be abandoned on the streets. Did you really never discuss the possibility of having these kids in your life at some point of time?
You might now want the kids, but they're a package deal with the father. Don't vent your anger on the kids...they're young boys who will be boisterous and naughty and they cant be blamed for it. They didnt ask to come into this world and live with you, they were fathered by your bf and now they're his responsibility. Whether or not you want to be a part of this, is upto you. But you cant expect a father to not take care of his children.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I know I am gonna sound like a total bitch, but tbh Iit's beyond me how women get involved with men who have kids without even bothering to know what is what, who is the affidatary parent and why, and what happens just in cse. Like, let's say the kid's mother dies. Or becomes severally disabled or mentally ill. Or simply pulls a Houdini and escapes to Argentina with a polo player.
Oh, these thing do not happen, right ? ... young mother never die, never become disabled,never put themselves in the situation of being an unfit parent.....
If the kids'mother cannot or will not take them, of course they should live with their father, where to do want to send them ? To join the circus ?
I do appreciate that you are reasonably not happy with
that , and that it would mean a sacrifice and an inconvenience from every point of view, and that you are a normal girl and not Mother Theresa of Calcutta. But then, why did you accept a man with kids to begin with, and why did you not discuss thoroughly with him what the future of these kids was going to be "just in case " ?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I'm sorry but you married a man who is a parent. He has a responsibility to his sons. If their mom can't take care of them it's his right and responsibility to do so.
Legally if he was married to the mom when the child was born he is still the dad and the kid has his name. It's called the Lord Mansfield rule and it may apply in your state. It says basically that it does NOT Matter who FATHERED the child biologically, the man a woman is MARRIED to at the time of birth is the legal father of the child. In addition, if he has raised and considered this boy his child from day one, emotionally he is the father.
I know you are not happy about this, but it's a fact of life. I married a man who had a 10 yr old child. I raised her as my own... I was done with raising kids when I got her but she was a package deal with her daddy....
Personally, I think that the needs of innocent children need to come before our needs wants and desires. It may be selfish of you but you really don't have a lot of options, they are his children after all.....
by all means talk to him and tell him how you feel... and find a way to make everyone happy.
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A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Hello,
You are not selfish but it looks like the most practical decision. If no one wants them then their father has to take them. Of course he has to. There is no other option. They are his children. The DNA business is another problem because even if the child isn't his, the two would never really be split up.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Where are the boys supposed to live? If their Mom doesn't want them, it falls on their Dad. It is what it is. Poor little guys...I feel for them.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Tough call... I might say you were being selfish if you weren't going to be the one looking after them the majority of the time. Its one thing to accept your partner for whom they are- including their responsibilities, but this just seems a bit much. Regardless, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about this whole situation.
Can I ask why the mother doesn't want custody of them? Also have you met his kids or babysat them before?
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