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female
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51-59,
anonymous
writes:My 15-year old son has recently started going out with an 18 year old girl. Is it just me or does this seem really inappropriate? Don’t get me wrong she’s a nice person and he seems to be really smitten with her but she is technically an adult whilst he is still a child. To be fair my son does look a lot older than he is. He’s very tall and could easily pass for 18 himself. If you look at pictures of them together they look like a normal young couple, but it just wouldn’t sound right if they told people she works in a call centre whilst he’s still at school.Whilst I’m not very happy about it, I haven’t tried to stop him from seeing her because that only opens up a new can of worms. I know how much teenagers rebel when you say no so instead I’ve compromised that he can only see her at weekends. It’s better than him seeing her in secret I suppose. And of course there’s zero chance of any sleeping over at each other’s houses until he’s 16 in December. To be fair to her as well she does seem to have her head screwed on and knows what the boundaries are with him. But it just seems a bit weird that she wants to be with him and not someone her own age who has the same freedoms as her. Can anyone else identify with this kind of situation? Reply to this Question
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reader, Illinois Jack  +, writes (1 January 2022):
In case it wasn't answered...you have to let it play out, not to sound negative but most likely High School relationships won't go too far
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): My stepson is extremely mature for his age and has been since he was an early teen. His first girlfriend when he was seventeen was twenty three. She is immature for her age. She is now 30, he is 24, they are married and have a child together and are very happy. I don't think this age gap is very large and once he turns sixteen, it will be even less of a problem. Not all eighteen year olds are the same and not all fifteen year olds are the same either as I have witnessed. Leave them alone and let them work it out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): They're already seeing each-other; at this point it makes no sense to stop them. They've connected emotionally, and to decide to separate them after the fact will only force him to defy you; and they will do whatever they must to see each-other, because it then becomes her versus you. That doesn't mean she's not too old for him; but second-guessing wouldn't prove practical at this point. You know your kid, we don't. Keep an eye on things, intervene when things seem to be getting too serious. As things go, they began to slowly drift apart anyway; because the novelty will wear-off.
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reader, kenny +, writes (19 July 2021):
 personally i don't think that a 3 year age gap is an awful lot, it just seems a lot because he is 15, but he is not going to be 15 forever.
My niece is 3 years older that her boyfriend, they met when he was 17 and she was 20, and they are still together now he is 20, and she is 23 and very happy.
So by all accounts in a year or two's time there relationship age gap will be nothing to worry about at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): This is an open forum, and people are free to express their opinions. It's up to the OP to offer their own rebuttal or question the answers they receive. If you wish to participate as an aunt or uncle, it's not polite to criticize the answers of other aunts or uncles or anonymous readers who contribute. Express your own opinion freely; even if you disagree with the other other answers you've read. No one is judgmental here, everyone doesn't see things the same. You learn and grow wisdom when you see things from different perspectives. It is to the original posters benefit to see many different opinions and from among them to choose the advice they feel the most productive and helpful. I don't criticize the advice of others or anonymous readers; because it discourages free expression. This is not a competition.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 July 2021):
 While I agree with you that an 18 year old dating a 15 year old is slightly "off", you do say the girl seems sensible so, perhaps the way to look at this is that he is probably less likely to get into trouble with this more mature girl than he would be if he was dating another 15 year old.
We don't fall for someone's age; we fall for the person. They are obviously attracted to each other, regardless of the age gap. In another 3 years' time, the age gap will not matter as much.
In your shoes I would sit the pair of them down and have a talk with them. Tell them you are trusting them to both be mature and sensible and not do anything which will put either of their futures in jeopardy. A 15 year old dating ANYONE, regardless of age, is worrying, so let's hope this 18 year old girl has enough maturity for both of them.
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reader, EmmyApple +, writes (19 July 2021):
Wow. I can’t believe how judgmental the other answers are. A 3-year age difference isn’t that much. These days, 18 is still very much a child. Does she have her own place? Own car? I doubt it. She is still living with her parents just like him. Talk to her parents and discuss rules for the relationship. No sex. No sleeping over. No nude pics. No coming over unless a parent is home. As long as you and the other parents enforce these rules then WHAT is the problem? When I was 18 I dated a boy younger than me, but we couldn’t have sex because our parents were always home. They tried to give us some privacy but they were still monitoring us. We fooled around with kissing, cuddling, feeling each other under our clothes. But we couldn’t go too far because parents were always home! Slipping off my shirt was the furthest I dared to go but I didn’t dare take off my bra with parents around. They were always around at home and weren’t allowed to drive anywhere alone in the car together until we were both over 18. All you need are simple rules like this. Yes teens rebel, but if they know the rules are only temporary, they are more likely to follow them. There is a lot of sexism in these comments because if the genders were reversed, everyone would be fine with it. But girls don’t always mature faster than boys - that is a stereotype. There are boys who are very mature for their age and there are girls who are very immature! And boys are not necessarily more horny than girls. As a girl, I was just as horny at that age! They are both going to be thinking about sex but that’s NORMAL. There is going to be sexual exploration but it’s a healthy part of their development. Make sure he has condoms just in case, but as long as you don’t allow any situations where sex would be easy, you have nothing to worry about. At that age, even the smallest bit of kissing and cuddling and fondling are SO exciting and gratifying. They NEED to satisfy all those urges somehow so better that it be under your supervision than outside of your control. His sexuality is growing and growing and growing, and it needs an outlet. It’s so much better for him to kiss and cuddle with a REAL girl than spend his time watching porn that messes up his brain with an unrealistic portrayal of things, graphic sex acts, unrealistically skinny models, etc. That’s what he would be doing if he didn’t have a girl in his life and it’s so easy to get access to now you can’t stop it. You should be grateful that a girl is showing interest in him because that is so GOOD for him. Real life dating WITH boundaries is SO much healthier. Yes, you’re the parent and you’re “in charge” but this is HIS life and HIS needs and desires and happiness ought to be your top priority!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): I can definitely identify with this. My daughter was seeing a 19-year old lad when she was 15. It was completely innapropriate and wrong but like you said it's so difficult to police this kind of thing. Most outsiders would say just ban them from seeing each other and it seems like such a simple solution but it's most definitely not. At the end of the day you can't watch them 24/7 and the more you protest, the more they defy you.At first I told her she couldn't see him at all but surprise, surprise she didn't listen and saw him behind my back. She flat out lied about it as well, pretending she was with her friends when really she was with him. It caused a lot of tension between us at home and led to many, many arugments. Of course I was worried about her having sex with him. She was always adamant they weren't but I just didn't trust them. He was picking her up after school in his car as well and taking her back to his place, which just made me shudder. Thankfully though their relationship fizzled out after a few months. A few years later she confessed that they had indeed had sex and it made me sick to my stomach. Even though it was in the past I felt like tracking him down and stringing him up. The only saving grace was that they at least had the sense to use condoms and she didn't get pregnant or catch an STI.My advice is to carry on with what you are doing and set those boundaries. It's never going to be possible to stop them seeing each other no matter how much you object to it. Communication is the key thing. Yes, you're bound to be on eggshells about how far they are going with each other but at the same time they will want to prove to you that they can be trusted. You say he turns 16 in December so it's only 5 months away until he's 'legal'. During that time if you haven't already you can drum into him the importance of safe sex so he's ready when they inevitably want to take that next step. That is of course provided they are still together of course. But don't be surprised if it doesn't last until then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): "Whilst I’m not very happy about it, I haven’t tried to stop him from seeing her because that only opens up a new can of worms. I know how much teenagers rebel when you say no so instead I’ve compromised that he can only see her at weekends."
Who's the parent, and who's the kid here?
Way too often parents adapt or adjust to the desires of their child; when it's supposed to be the other way around. You are the judge and jury, you are his task-master, you are teacher, protector, motivator, and life-coach. When you let the kid take charge, that's when all your woes begin. Talk about a can of worms!
Why haven't you advised him of your true feelings about it? Maybe because it's easier to be his chum; than to have to face conflict.
There is going to be experimentation with sex. She is older, and can put on an act for you to appear responsible; but your son doesn't have the judgement and maturity to keep-up with her. I don't know what his height and ability to "pass" for an older kid has to do with anything?
If he gets her pregnant, this would all be a whole different discussion wouldn't it???
Psychologically and emotionally, females mature far more advanced than boys as it is. Now she's manipulating both you, and your son! His interest is purely sexual at his age. I'm a man, and I know.
Where's his dad on the issue? How will either of you handle this, if this young lady gets herself pregnant by your son? That's when all the should-have, could-have, would-haves, and blame gets all tossed about!
It is far better for kids to date and spend time maturing on the same age-level. I think she's too old, and wonder why'd she wants to be running around with a child fresh out of puberty? A slightly oversized adolescent, yet to catch-up with her psychologically; while young-women her age should be learning how to socially interact with both genders her own age. While he does the same with kids at his own emotional maturity-level. You can't skip levels! You must graduate from one phase to the next! Especially, when it comes to boys! Parents tend to be more permissive and hands-off with boys; only because they can't get pregnant!
Just because a kid will defy you or sneak around behind your back doesn't mean you don't set rules; and do your best to enforce them. Giving a kid what they want to make things easier on yourself makes things harder on you in the long-run. They always make mistakes you'll have to clean-up after; they most assuredly will betray your trust. You have to stay one-step ahead of them; and deal with their rebellion. They must learn to respect your authority; until they can face the consequences of their own actions.
If you don't make him respect your authority as his mother; his actions will become costly, embarrassing, and unruly. They will team-up, and attempt to manipulate you. Your mother-to-son/ parent-to-child relationship will become strained; as she gains more influence and control over his emotions and behavior. That's when teenager and parents become estranged. Teenagers have terrible judgement, they hate to be supervised, and they don't value your trust. That doesn't mean they aren't good kids, they're dealing with making the scary transition from child to adult. Teenage-defiance is met by outsiders, when you're not up to the task! They will outsmart you; if you don't use your maturity, parental-intuition, and experience to your advantage.
A well-adjusted teenage-girl usually wants to hangout with kids their own age. Which means your son is going to try and prove to her he can hang with the older-guys. He can do what she can do. Thus, you'll have your hands full. You mention nothing of a husband or father; so you must be a single-mother raising a son on her own.
Allowing him to assume too much independence too soon, when it comes to girls; and he'll be harder to handle by the time HE IS 18! If you're a single-mother, you must assume the roles of both mother and father. Boys will test their strength against their fathers at his age; and if you don't flex a little muscle, he's going to make a mess of his life...and yours!
SHE'S TOO OLD FOR HIM!!! Emotionally, psychologically, and sexually!
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 July 2021):
 I think it is on the inappropriate side. 3 years age gap is a LOT at this age. His HIGHT has nothing to do with his maturity. With his personality.
What is the "age of consent" in the UK ? 15 or 16? If it's 16, I would tell him AND her that they will have to wait with dating until HE turns 16. If they can wait for him to turn 16, perhaps there is enough maturity between the two of them to be dating.
BUT with all that said, this isn't uncommon. It is more common that the guy is older. That doesn't mean an older girl can't "groom" (to an extend) a guy just as well as a guy can "groom" a girl.
I'd definitely set some boundaries here. And I'd have the "sex talk" AGAIN. They might not be able to overnight but we all know horny teenagers - where there is a will there is a way. The last thing your son (and her) need is a pregnancy. And I think you need to HAVE a conversation about dirty pics. IF he sends HER dic pics it's basically classified as child porn due to his age. That is not something that would be smart to do. And HER sending HIM dirty pics can be "corruption of a minor" (not sure what that would be in the UK, but I wouldn't doubt they have some similar laws there.
Also, I think him sleeping over at 16 is kinda young. Maybe that is just me? My middle one has slept over at her BF's (they were 17/18 back then) and they STILL slept in different rooms.
What it REALLy comes down to is trust. Trust that HE knows what is smart and not smart. What is safe and NOT safe.
Personally (I have 3 daughters) I wouldn't be super OK with a 3 year age gap. That doesn't mean I don't trust my girls, I just didn't want them to be in a position where they felt they "had" to cross their own boundaries.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2021): At least you are keeping up your standards with the sleeping arrangements.
Personally - yes on paper, this looks rather inappropriate, but honestly in a few months time he will be 16 - the legal age for marriage and then there is absolutely nothing you can do. So I would just bide your time, they are nearly at the appropriate age - and who knows? By the time he turns 16 he may have found another 16 year old, his own age, to date instead.
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reader, Dionee'  +, writes (18 July 2021):
 Oh and by the way; how do her parents feel about this?
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reader, Dionee' +, writes (18 July 2021):
I also think that it's inappropriate but I also agree that you could easily push them closer together if you handle this incorrectly. It's odd to me that she's okay being with someone that's still a child. Granted if they were both atleast a few years older than they are, it would seem more appropriate since they would both be adults and legally able to do whatever they want to. Age gaps aren't uncommon BUT their ages makes it an issue in this case. It's definitely not wise for them to be dating each other. I don't think that it will last. Hopefully it will naturally begin to fizzle out as most teen relationships do when you're that young so I would say to monitor the situation and keep your rules in place so that nothing life altering or potentially life ruining can happen. Besides that, there isn't much else that you can do without pushing your boy away.
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