A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My friend recently got married and both her and her fiancé were struggling financially so were cutting corners on their wedding. My husband and I felt bad for them as the financial side of the pandemic hit them hard- they both have jobs but his hours got cut.We decided as a wedding gift to give them £400 - for them to use as they wished.Now what I find rude is that when we told them what we were doing, they didn’t seem very appreciative. They were like “ ok thanks”We transferred the money over (I asked my friend to let me know when she received it but she never did). I ended up texting her asking if she received it and she replied “yes, we have x” They ended up spending the money on the videographer- initially they were only going to have a photographer. We went to their wedding and noticed they we were a little off with us - like they were trying to avoid us. We thought maybe we had insulted them by giving them money but then found out from a friend that they had asked all the guests for money. We never told anyone how much we gave them. Since their wedding we haven’t heard from them either. I’ve texted her to see how they are and literally only getting 1 word answers.Now to be clear my husband and i aren’t rich, we work hard and wanted to help them out. We didn’t do this to get praised but a little acknowledgment would have been nice!Also we have no idea why they are behaving like this towards us now.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): Money can complicate relationships. The person giving the money only wants the receiver to enjoy it and yes, to receive some thanks would be nice. BUT the person receiving the money can feel very differently. They can start to feel inferior to the person who gave them the money, they sometimes feel like a charity case or that they have been patronised. Maybe they feel you were showing off to them. None of these feel good. It's difficult to thank someone who made them feel crap about themselves. Not intentionally, obviously you didn't, but it can result in these feelings. This is why lottery winners usually lose their friends. The lottery winners want to share their luck and their money with their friends and family, and those people end up feeling patronised and they stay away from the people they were once friends with.
Leave large amounts of money out of any relationship. It's never a good idea. A small wedding gift size of about fifty quid would have been ample.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 July 2021):
 I know a wedding is a busy time with lots going on, preperations, then honey moon etc. But this is still no excuse to be ungrateful, and rather rude.
It is normal after a wedding when things have calmed down and settled thank you notes are sent out to all that attended the wedding, to thank them for the gifts.
Could it be they have not got around to doing this yet?.
Is there anyone else you know well that went to the wedding you could just ask in general conversation if they received a thank you?.
I think if they are being off with you, and ungrateful for your generous contribution then use this as a learning curve that shows you just what type of people they are.
I think you should forget about them now and move on, they don't sound like friends that you want in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): Learn from this and never fork over this kind of money again....You cannot buy people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): Several years ago I gave a close friend a large sum of money as she was a single mum of 2, who was struggling financially. She had confided in me about her struggle & when I offered the money she was grateful & thanked me over & over again.
It was a gift not a loan as I knew she could never pay it back.
I had know her for over 15 years & am godmother to 1 of her children.
Shortly after I gave her the money I noticed she started distancing herself from me.l, gradually.
At first she would cancel our plans, make excuses that we couldn’t meet, then delayed replying to my texts & eventually ignored my calls & texts.
I spent ages trying to work out why she was behaving like this. Unfortunately we had no common friends so I couldn’t even ask anyone.
I eventually accepted our friendship was over when I saw her in town, many months later, she saw me & literally turned the other way.
That evening I sent her a text wishing her all the best & that I was sorry our friendship seemed to have ended & if she ever wished to tell me why I’d be happy to listen.
Never heard from her again or seen her. She removed me from Facebook too.
If I have learnt anything is that I will never again help anyone out financially- I honestly felt used. No idea if it was the fact I have her money that made her behave like that but not taking that chance again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): At the end of the day manners cost NOTHING! They could have been more thankful. It was a generous gift & they are behaving rudely!
I personally would be offended had I done a nice gesture only to be treated like they have treated you & your husband.
Unfortunately there are some people out there who have no manners. If I were you I’d not bother trying to communicate with them anymore. Leave it up to them. If you never hear from them again, consider it a positive thing. They don’t deserve your friendship.
On to why they are behaving like this? Who really knows? Embarrassment? Ungratefulness? Or just plain rudeness? You’ll probably never know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): It happens all the time; so don't feel alone. Many others who gave them money or expensive gifts probably haven't heard from them either. Friends get a little funny when money is involved; because they fear they'll have to pay you back in some way.
I'd reassess them as far as the value of their friendship goes; because friends shouldn't be avoiding you, or behaving as if you're contagious. Not because of money.
Their gratitude and thanks could be delayed, and perhaps not forthcoming; but don't make an issue of it. It wasn't a loan, it was a gift.
Thanks is surely in order; but you shouldn't feel regret if your generosity was sincere, and not for the sake of showing-off. They may feel some shame for the size of the gift, and don't want to look like a charity case. Pride makes people do dumb things sometimes; but it shouldn't stand in the way of expressing your gratitude. They aren't only short of cash, they're short of manners and graciousness. Let it go. Generosity isn't always thanked.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2021): They are rude and not good friends to have. A normal person would have been grateful.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 July 2021):
 A true gift comes without strings, OP
You did a LOVELY thing for your friend and her new hubby. That was nice and kind.
But now you are making it out to be like they OWE you some grand gesture of thanks. They don't.
Should they have the MANNERS to send you guys a THANK you for your generous gift note? Yes, absolutely. I would be COMMON SENSE to let you all know that thanks to your gift they were able to hit a videographer and that they are SO happy they were able to do so. But many people don't care about manners or traditions. They care about likes on Facebook and pretending their lives are perfect. People who plan weddings they can't afford or expects OTHERS to fund their "dream wedding" are gross. Sorry. Your friend is a greedy cow.
KNOW in your heart that you did something lovely for your friend. But that she doesn't have the manners to say thank you and be grateful. Maybe it's time to let this friendship cool a bit?
Focus on those people in your life that bring positivity and real friendship. AND in the future don't give monetary gifts you can't really afford.
At the end of the day, take away that YOU did something nice. And let it go. Don't let this bother you anymore. You have NO control over how SHE (and her new hubby) think, behave, or what they say (or don't say).
Now you know what kind of person your friend is.
Chin up and let it go.
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