A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Been seeing a guy for 3 weeks and all was going well. Last night we made out in his car and he asked me to be his gf, I said yes.After a little while he put his hand under my shirt which I wasn't ready for and I started to shake from nerves. He just stopped, then asked if I had ever had sex before. I haven't and was not expecting it to come out so early. I am 25.He asked me if I was waiting till marriage to which I replied no but I am waiting for someone I think I will marry.I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was a bit disappointed as it will halt physical intimacy, but he wants to stay around and see how we go. He said he isn't scared of the responsibility. That he has gone without for over a year so he can keep going.Am I right to feel a bit hurt that he said he was disappointed - or was he just being honest. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 June 2015):
 Of course he could come up with an elegant answer, given a few minutes to prepare. He was on the spot and said what was on his mind. Perhaps he's inexperienced dealing with virgins and how to make them feel comfortable. You are allowed to feel hurt, just as he's allowed to feel disappointed and impatient. I don't think he's sinister, but he's already shown you he's suppressing his patience in order to gain your trust.
You need a man who can genuinely feel like he has to protect you, like a delicate flower. Someone who thinks waiting for sex means respect, that sex is a reward that comes after effort and patience. Someone like Garbo. Many people, that's including women too, don't think that way anymore. He comes off as someone who would feel annoyed by your innocence and your fear of sex. He's not sinister but you two can be a mismatch.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2015): I think you may be younger than the age you are giving from the general naivity of the question. I am reminding you of your own safety when talking about makeout point which can be a literal physical place or a state of mind. If the person you were with, was anything less than respectful ,there was every chance you could have been raped which is why i would prefer him to drop you, because you are in over and above your level of readiness and how you intend to behave on a date is something you establish right at the beginning before you step in the car if needs be.The guy is probably genuinely interested but it would probably be better if you socialise in a more general way as you are trying to move into the fast lane, possibly prematurely.Perhaps the boyfriend is going to be your knight in shinig armour but it will not lead to marriage necessarily ,unless you actually get engaged. Three weeks in is a bit to soon to know if a mutual liking and respect will follow.Plus he expected youto be xperienced on a first date which he should have judged from your manner that you were not, unless someone has been spreading rumours to the contrary.Whatever the case most people think you should slow down and not put yourself in a vulnerable position because you have your whole life ahead of you and it is best not too jump in too fast ,into fast cars, fast men, fast spending or fast decisions.However if you and the boyfriend are still on good terms you could still go on dates and maybe share a kiss because now he knows thats as far as he's allowed to go, he may be happy to dream of a future together if he seriously is interested in you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 June 2015):
 I reacted the way I did not because he said he was disappointed, but that his entire speech revolved around HIM and HIS celibacy and HIS wants (he wants to stay and "see how it'll go"). "It'll"???? Don't you mean the woman you're getting close to?
I would feel the same way CindyCares if his response would have been something like this:
"I can't lie when I say I'm not disappointed, but you're worth sticking around and getting to know more. We won't go any farther until you feel comfortable."
See the difference? Nothing about him being celibate. Nothing about him "seeing where it will go". Had he said THAT to her, expressed his disappointment but made it about her, I'd be defending him.
She didn't "go to makeout point". She was in the car of a man she trusted. And even if she went to makeout point, it isn't unspoken permission for a gropefest.
I won't beat him up too badly, because he stopped when he percieved that she was scared when there are too many men in this world who wouldn't have until she said no several times.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 June 2015):
 Maybe we are being a bit ingenerous with this guy by necessarily suspecting him of bad intentions.
Of course he could have put it more elegantly, or kept his big trap shut altogether :)-but I do not find what he said particularly sinister.
He assumed that at 25 you'd be sexually active, as this is the case with the wide majority of women your age . Therefore he also had assumed that some time soonish ( I really hope that he did not mean " there and then " , in the car ?! gakkkk ! ) he was going to have sex with you, and finding out that it won't be necessarily so came as a surprise , and not a particularly good one. I mean, come on, why should he have been NOT disappointed, when for most people sex is a normal part of any relationship, short or long term- and often, even without a relationship at all !,lol. BUT, he handled it well- he said he can wait, he'll stay around, he'll " work " with your time table , and since he has been doing without for over one year, he can go on like that.
If it is true, it's a positive in fact, it means he really likes YOU, and not just the entertainment you could provide him. Then again it will be so easy to see if he meant it. If he does stick around WITHOUT ever trying to pressure you for sex, then he was just being honest and speaking his mind. Not all men are thrilled to meet a virgin, and I don't think that he should have pretended to be thrilled if he was not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2015): You're at makeout point and then you tell him you dont want sex before marriage..of course he was disappointed!!I'm not exactly sure how you made out but it appeared to have culminated in him asking you if you would like to be his girlfriend and you said yes. This is all wrong for a no sex before marriage kind of relationship because you are giving totally the wrong messages.A girl who doesn't want sex before marriage doesnt genrally go to make out point !She clears up her expectations and priorities early on so that her potential partner can respect her and take her on expensive dates to woo her.You are dynamite to this potential boyfriend and i would advise him to steer clear of you.You have extremely high expectations and i doubt that he could ever get it right, because he initially misread you, so if the guy feels he cant take you on polite dates,which is all that your relationship should be prior to engagement when you might very naughtilly progress to heavy petting possibly needing to bring the wedding forward if you get carried away with your passions...The problem is that you are both reading from different rule books! He is looking for a physical attachment with no expectation of marriage, clearly, that was his intention.He may be prepared to wait a year for you if he really wants you,but would he be the right husband for you when you clearly come from different walks of life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2015): Even I he was dissapointed he shouldn't have said that. We think many things but we don't nesesesarily blurt it out.
I am a it suspicious about his intentions. Now he knows you are a virgin, so yes, you will see where it goes.
The act that you were kissing was not supposed to be a green light for him immediately Aftre offering to be his girlfriend put his hand where he put t.
See how it goes, and never doubt what you feel. You feel what you feel, trust yourself
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 June 2015):
Feelings don't follow reason and you feel what you feel. He's being honest. When you date you will meet different kinds of people. There are purely users. There are people who can have sex and be deep, serious at the same time. There are those who need to strictly wait until everything falls into place and both feel secure. Just because he wants sex now does not mean he can't take care of your feelings too. I don't think you should write him off yet. He's tactless but at least you know he speaks from his mind and doesn't hide anything. He should have kept it to himself so you won't think his motive is just sex. You did ask what he was thinking so he was being straight forward. Sex could be a wonderful thing. His thinking is similar to a kid wanting to go to the amusement park but it rained so the parents cancelled. It was not meant to be that your reservations, your passiveness was a disappointment to him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 June 2015):
I think the real proof is in the ENTIRE statement "he said he was a bit disappointed as it will halt physical intimacy". I would have my guard up as to why he wants a girlfriend because of that statement, as if his purpose of having a girlfriend is to not be celibate. This is confirmed later on by this: "He said he isn't scared of the responsibility. That he has gone without for over a year so he can keep going."
Of COURSE you should feel more than hurt. You should feel angry because those are statements that he wants to USE you for sex. Having a girlfriend isn't to stave off celibacy, and that this is what he wants and that he's disappointed that his reason for having a girlfriend isn't coming to fruition yet.
Many relationships don't call for exclusivity until a couple months IN. Three weeks isn't much time, though it happens. You're in the right to not go for sex so quickly, and rest assured, he's staying around to change your mind, and he will apply pressure, though he stopped when you wanted him to, which is good.
The true reason to be boyfriend/girlfriend isn't sex, it's to get to know someone you feel you can partner with on a serious basis. Sex can get in the way UNTIL it's time. I've been on the guy's side of things, as my husband wanted to wait until marriage, and we did. So stick to your guns and don't do it until you're ready, but I'll tell you this as well...don't be afraid of sex. It's amazing when you're with the right person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2015):
 I agree. It was a foot in mouth expression, and I also think it's a red flag to go from "will you be my GF" to hand up your shirt in a few minutes. That means he ASKED you to be his GF to butter you up enough for sex.
Of course he was disappointed. HE was looking to get laid. He think 3 weeks of "courting" is enough to decide if you want sex or not. For many it's NOT enough. And sex in the CAR, seriously?...
One thing though IF you continue to DATE him DO NOT feel pressured to have sex to keep him. If he keeps pressuring you or going further then you ARE ready for, TELL him and either end it or keep repeating yourself.
And I have to agree, DO NOT date a guy with the notion that HE is going to be your husband, HE may not be.
After 3 weeks you BARELY now him, no matter HOW much you have "texted" each other. Getting to know someone TAKES time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): Who said he no longer wants her to be his girlfriend Garbo? When I read your question OP, I felt nothing but positives. You are of an age where it would be assumed by most that you're not a virgin. If you were sixteen and he did what he did, then I would have reservations, but you were showing willing by making out in his car. He stopped when you asked him to and correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm under the impression that you are both together still and he is willing to wait. What's the problem? Sounds all good to me and I am in my fifties with a slightly old fashioned attitude and he sounds okay to me. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): The problem with many young women in the dating process is that they often look too far into the future. In doing so, they envision every guy they date as the man they may marry.
The problem with that is; they make themselves far too vulnerable to men, and may try too hard to please them.
I'm glad you didn't give into that guy's advances. What he did was totally inappropriate. You've known this guy three weeks and he's being that blatantly forward? You should have slapped him so hard his ears rang! He was totally out of line, and he can stick his disappointment where the sun don't shine!!! Someone who has made a move on you like that does not respect women. He is far too sexually-motivated and disrespectful for someone as inexperienced as yourself.
Sex comes when you're good and ready. Sex comes when you have trust between you, and when you know who the hell this man is. Three weeks or three months, that's your choice.
I smell a rat!!!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 June 2015):
 I think he may have chosen his words a little more carefully, but my personal opinion is that he probably assumed most girls are up for it, and the fact he said he wants to stay around and see how you go is a positive for the relationship.
Give him another chance ..... I think this was simply a case of using the wrong word at the wrong time.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (7 June 2015):
 I think what he tried to say is that he is not looking for marriage, that the girlfriend he wants you to be does not mean is the girl that he wants to marry, that you shouldn't look at him as your future husband and/or some combination of these 3 ideas. You should not feel hurt that he is disappointed because this a simple cases of mismatched priorities: he wants to consumate that you are his GF with sex immediately while you don't. I see no reason why his expectations should carry more emotional importance then yours. One red flag for me was how quickly he moved one to sex after asking you to be his GF, making me believe that the whole purpose of him asking you was to get sex and once he didn't get it, oups! You are no longer his GF but he wants to stay around to see how it goes. How what goes tho, is what I'm wondering? Bad vibes
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