A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,My family has been through a lot of tragedy and difficult times in the last few years and being the eldest I have tried my level best to support my single mother through these times.This has included me putting myself out ( willingly) quite a lot to ensure she had help available and wasn't left to deal with things on her own. I have never had a problem with this as I have always felt this is just what families do, the only time I have found it difficult is when I have taken a step back to managed my own life and job and have felt like it has caused offence.My siblings however don't take the same tack, and have told me they basically have their own lives and don't have time to help even in the slightest..My mother can be very unpredictable in her moods and does suffer some elements of depression, I personally feel she sometimes abuses my willingness to help and sometimes takes things out on me because I am available and around more often. She can also come across as quiet self centred on occasions, and will often turn conversations around to her. I have on the odd occasion tried to tactfully challenge this, either telling her she has hurt my feelings or using tactics to try and steer conversations back on to the original topic but find they fail. Any attempt at telling her she has hurt me has resulted in me being 'scolded' and walking away feeling guilty even when I know I wasn't in the wrong.This accumulated in me recently having some very good news regarding my career that has been a major achievement for me she initially seemed very interested but this lasted all of around 2 minutes, she then turned the topic to her and when I tried to mention things I felt were important she belittled me and I came away very distraught and low. This is one of several occasions I've walked in on a high and left wishing I hadn't even spoken.I often feel like this, like I don't matter, and like anything I do will never get me any positive attention, and this has affected my relationships, my work life so on. I feel very pathetic like a small child sometimes as all I want is a bit of recognition that doesn't involve me being Knocked off my perch. I often feel like every time I have a genuine reason to be pleased it actively annoys her?My siblings brush it off as her being under stress, but I feel this is an easy thing to say as they don't see as much of her and therefore don't appear to get the same treatment.I'm sick of feeling put down when I'm happy and like I don't matter at all... But am I being selfish and attention seeking? And why am I so afraid of upsetting her when she doesn't seem to care about hurting my feelings? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2015): Have confidence that mum can manage without you.It's sad that you always come away from a visit home feeling depleted, when your mother is probably trully happy to have seen you ,but this tells us that something of the balance of the relationship is wrong.Possibly as a child you were the little rock that kept her going with your childlike fascination with life and your unconditional love of her. It is truly wonderful that you have grown up into an accomplished and caring person who takes the time and trouble to visit home.No wonder you feel like a child by the time you leave because you are fallingback into the role of wanting to keep mum happy.Perhaps your mother felt that she had said all she could say in the way of congratulations.Perhaps you just want a mother who is on top of problems without worry or angst.Perhaps you have grown faster in terms of your life experiences than she has ,or maybe she has subliminally relied on you without you realising this.Perhaps you could keep her going with just a phone call a week, or if this is too difficult think of new ways she can be your mum without exhausting you.eg go for a pizza with her or anything like that which is short sweet and enjoyable.Perhaps your mother could join a church group for support and friendship?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): Seeking parental-approval, particularly from our mothers, is a task we take on from the time we learn to crawl and talk. We need that positive feed-back. Hearing mom and dad say "that's a good-girl," or a "good-boy"; motivates us, and it gives us immeasurable positive-reinforcement. We, as their children, never really outgrow the need for it. As long as they live, we want it. We crave it! We even find ourselves projecting that need onto boyfriends, girlfriends, our spouses, friends, and even our bosses!
Your mother grew-up in a different time, under different conditions, without a spouse; and has a different level of motivation from yours. She has been dependent on you for a long-time; and sees your upward-mobility and success as your exit from her life. Even as a reminder of her own failures. She downplays your accomplishments; partially out of envy, a little shame, and her fear you will abandon her like the others once your life calls you back.
You've spoiled her. She's selfish, gluttonous, and you've centered so much of your life and attention around her, that she feels entitled to it at all times. You have to temper and dial-down your own cravings for her approval.
A mother's love comes unconditionally. If too much is required to get it; you're trying too hard, and wasting your time trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it.
Now comes the time to wean her from what she has taken for granted for so long. Time to shift some responsibility to your siblings. What's wrong with you on that anyway? Don't pretend you don't see it makes no freaking sense at all.
We human beings sometimes get so full from gratuitous attention and appreciation showered on us; we get totally spoiled, and even start feeling entitled. Your mother has been saturated with your devotion to the point of intoxication. She is sucking the life out of you; and at the same time, beating you down out of fear you may see her dependency as weakness and failure. You means of control over her fate. She despises your pity for her as a woman. You have little to look-up to; if you are her deliverance. So she brings you down a few rungs to make you feel guilty for doing for yourself, and to make you feel your only reward is in catering to her needs. You've grappled with sibling-rivalry for attention since you were a child. It's totally obvious. Now you have her all to yourself. Grow-up!
Step-back. Let her fall on her ass hard a few times. I don't mean leave her in dire straights; I mean let her suffer to be reminded of the fact you do what you do out of love and devotion. That love and devotion has to be reciprocated in order to refill the vessel from which it flows. Otherwise; that vessel becomes empty.
She is ungrateful, unappreciative, and now needs to be reminded she has other children she ought to turn to when in need. Parents kick us out into the world to learn to live on our own. Sometimes, you have to return that favor when they become codependent. Expecting us to tradeoff our devotion for their approval. They're human, and do what human-nature compels anybody to do. Sometimes we take advantage of people who give a little too much. They are always there for us, often going beyond the call of duty. People get intoxicated on love like alcohol, and they become mean on the drunkenness.
Pull away and focus on your life, your marriage, and your career. Your mother will survive without you. Notify her of your accomplishments online, in a letter, or forward the good-news through a sibling. Let her fend for herself.
She needs that time to reach-down into her own resources. Are you forgetting she survived before you were born? She was living on this planet before any of you and your siblings arrived. She is not as hopeless and helpless as you've made her out to be. There are resources available for those struggling and aging; and maybe it is time she used them. She has to be forced back into survival-mode. This will take a load off you. At the same time, give her back some independence. She hasn't dipped into her on resources for awhile and dumped everything in YOUR lap.
You've become a sucker and a wimp!
If she has depression, you can't cure that. It has to be treated. Help her find a specialist. Then get on with your life; and visit for only a few minutes, to make time spent together more valuable. The minute she gets her ass up on her shoulders, give her a kiss and a hug...and LEAVE! Don't stand there taking punches or letting her take the wind out of your sails. LEAVE! Don't engage in confrontation. Respectfully excuse yourself. Check on her health and welfare with a weekly phone-call. Abruptly have something pressing to attend to when conversations go sour. Wish her a lovely day and goodbye.
You'll still have her love. Just like your other siblings who give her little or none of their time. There is always the caregiver everyone dumps on. In your family. That's you. Time for boundaries. This is where mother ends, and you start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): HiI think this is quite a common experience, I've experienced it and so has Auntie Bim Bim and you of course! In my case it was my father who was difficult, always turned everything around to be about him, didn't seem to appreciate or acknowledge the effort and time my sister and I put in and would treat us like employees, not daughters visiting and trying to help their Dad. The one time I tried to explain to him how stressful it was if I was stuck in traffic and would be a bit late and that we were visiting him, not employed by him, he just said 'I think you'd better go'. There was no reasoning with him. The only time he acknowledged the daily visits of five or six hours was when we played them down, then he would say how he was grateful. If we looked exasperated or put upon we would be very disparaging about our efforts. I never found a way of dealing with him and neither did my sister. We just braced ourselves for what was to come and waited for it to end, which it did after nine years of putting him first in our lives. It is amazing how much control parents, especially controlling ones can still exert, it doesn't matter your age. I wanted to seriously lose it with him at times, but just couldn't. Long installed control? Maybe. But I'm glad I didn't lose it, because I have no guilt whatsoever now he's gone. I don't miss him either. But I would not have been able to live with myself as easily as I do now, if I had bad memories. I know the others are saying back off a bit, but I understand how impossible this can be when you are someone's lifeline and when you are used to being helpful and co operative. I would have found it very uncomfortable to have backed off. Just easier to do it. There are really only two choices, grin and bear it and know that one day it will end. Try to find the good bits too, because they are there somewhere. Find comfort in the fact that she is not alone in doing this. I think it's very common. It's not your fault. Try not to take her comments personally. Anyone who was there would get the same treatment. Or back off and don't be so available. Your choice, but not much of a one I'm afraid. Good luck and pray for some strength to help you. I'm not religious but find the universe listens sometimes.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 June 2015):
 I am currently assessing my relationship with my mother, with whom I always felt second best, and when my children were young they were pushed aside for the children of the "golden one".
Don't let this situation you are in simmer or fester, I too used to be afraid of upsetting my mother or rocking the boat, and now it has got to a point where it is too late to try and repair the damage of the past 30 years .....
You do need to pull back a bit, don't be so available all the time, if she rings for help ask "can't one of the others do it"?
Would your siblings cheer you on if you told them how well you were doing at work, or when something good comes your way? Maybe you need to change some of your habits, if getting together with siblings more often and sharing with them is not going to work then find some good friends who will cheer you on when you have your successes and commiserate when you are a bit down.
Don't make your mother the centre of your world, I am not saying stay away from her altogether but pull back enough so that the rest of the family get a chance to see there is an opportunity now for them to step up to the mark.
Maybe they haven't been so involved because you were always there to pick up the loose threads.
Start building a life for yourself, its important, reconnect with your own friends and your own interests.
I wish you good luck, and finally, congratulations on the success you had at work!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): The problem here is that your mum doesnt realise that she is monopolising your time, she doesnt see that your hurt when she skips topics and unbeknown to her she is not fulfilling her role as a mother in your eyes because she is treating you as more of a confidant. All you can do here is to draw back and get on with your life. In her own way your mother would be hurt if she felt that she were holding you back so there is no need to tell her this. Dont be available to help out or hear her out so often but still remember to send a mothers day card and xmas card, perhaps a present for her birthday.Im sure many mums are thoughtless in their interactions but as you grow older you realise that they were only human too and get on and enjoy your life because thats what mums really want you to do but somehow things keep getting in the way of that message.
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