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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can people be truly sorry for cheating and never go on to do it again?Or is it a case of once a cheater always a cheater?I've cheated in the past knew it was wrong and never done it again.My boyfriend of four years cheated in the beginning he says there's not a day he doesn't regret it and wishes he could take it back and it was a selfish thing to do.My question is can people change? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 I agree with YouWish. Most cheaters do "re-offend" they often don't get caught every time and thus it because partly a game partly to see what they can get away with.
Cheating is a choice, like smoking. Some quit, some can't/won't.
If I was dating I wouldn't stay with a cheater. I just don't think it's worth it in the end. Mainly because once cheating occur, it has a rather devastating domino effect on BOTH people in the relationship and often even more then "just" those two people.
I really DO NOT think it's that hard to CHOOSE to be faithful.
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female
reader, DarkAngel334 +, writes (23 February 2013):
 I don't believe in "Once a cheater, always a cheater" because my best friend was in a relationship with this really nice guy and he started becoming distant. She was feeling neglected so she decided to secretly date another guy. I wasn't happy and I didn't condone it and I also didn't like having to lie to him, but I loved my friend like a sister so I stayed quiet. After a few months of seeing this new guy she left him because she felt too bad about it and she told her boyfriend. He broke up with her and we all thought that was the end. Today she is 19 and him 20 and they are newely engaged. I believe someone can be sorry for what they did and stop. My friend is a perfect example of that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): "Can people be truly sorry for cheating and never go on to do it again?"Yes."Or is it a case of once a cheater always a cheater?"For me mostly also yes. A history of cheating on multiple partners, cheating more than once on the same partner or cheating on me (even once) and I will consider them an unworthy life long cheat. "there's not a day he doesn't regret it"Ugh, yeah not for me thanks. I don't want some pitiful fool cheating on me and tell me they spend every day regretting it. I won't stay in a relationship based on regret and guilt.For me it's a dealbreaker, no comebacks. Whether they cheat or not again is irrelevant the fact they did in the first place, risked giving me an STD, felt they needed to be another person while with me, they're reason enough for me to move on.Do I think people can change? I wouldn't be there to find out. They can spend their life in regret without me, I'll be on to someone who hasn't cheated on me.
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reader, llifton +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Yes people can change. I'm living proof. I used to be a really big sht head in my day. I didn't treat people very well. That was when I was in my late teens and early 20's. Now, I'm purely disgusted by my behavior and would NEVER treat someone like that.
I blame maturity partly for it. I wasn't fully aware of how my actions would make another feel. Now I know and I'm repulsed by my behavior. I'd never cheat now.
So yes, people can change. How often it happens, now that I can't say.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (22 February 2013):
 This may be long here, so I apologize in advance to everyone who reads this.
I believe cheating is like pneumonia. After tasting it once, you are extremely susceptible to doing it again. A cheater has a very high recidivism rate, especially if sexual addiction or a low self esteem were primary contributors to it. A cheater could for years regret what they did, but years later, the trigger could trip them up again.
I see a few traits for the rare person who will never cheat again, and indeed the cheating episode ultimately causes them to rise up within themselves and live a life of loyalty and love for life:
Trait 1: Refusal to assign blame to anything external, even if other people try to convince them otherwise. They refuse to blame a fallacy in their parter, insisting that they made the decision to cheat rather than go to counselling and end the relationship in response to their partner's behavior or mannerisms, up to and including the partner's own cheating.
Trait 2: Deep empathy for the partner they cheated on and/or their innocent children. The cheater "gets" that what they did wasn't a mistake or a meaningless episode of selfishness, but rather a conscious betrayal of his or her family. The idea of their pain shakes him/her to their very core, causing a feeling of shock that they had it in them to rationalize a way to be the cause of this level of pain to the ones they love most.
Trait 3: An eagerness to make things right. They devote their life to rebuilding trust and repairing damage in their relationship, reassuring their partners, listening to their pain without impatience, cutting off all contact with the mistress/lover, and nurturing a relationship long since neglected by inattention. If his/her partner decides to leave anyways, the cheater seeks redemption in future relationships, abandoning deception and selfishness and being the partner who would rather cut off their own limb than cheat again.
Trait 4: Honest reflection. Devoting serious time to figuring out what made them cheat. How to deal with stress in a healthy way, how to communicate with their partner, allowing self-accountability when previously enjoying and seeking detachment and secrecy. Truly burning bridges and educating their partner on how he/she was able to deceive and carry on the affair to ensure that they can no longer fool their partner in that way.
Like I said -- it's rare, but I have in fact seen relationships where cheating occurred by one or both people, only to find that ultimately years later, their relationship became much stronger than it was before it happened, and they truly live for each other and are better because of it.
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reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Anything is true if you believe. Mind over matter lol. Most time people get labeled that way its unlikely when the right balance and right person is met that they would have the need to cheat thats how I feel in my situation. If I like you I will not cheat but if I don't its highly likely I will why be unhappy. I would suggest gauging the issues situation and the person.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (22 February 2013):
There are two types of cheaters: one who is selfish and values short term pleasure over the feelings of their loved ones, and the other who makes a mistake for whatever reason and genuinely regrets it and learned that cheating is not worth the pain it causes.
That's my experience at least.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo what you are saying is my partner will cheat again because he cheated for a month 3 years ago but does show remorse . I'm sad to hear this is it best to cut my losses
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reader, R1 +, writes (22 February 2013):
 I think that saying refers to someone who has repeatedly cheated or cheated in a number of relationships. Everyone is susceptible to the off mistake, doesn't mean they will turn into a serial cheater.
But then again how do you know it was only once? Often it is the doubts that kill a relationship.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (22 February 2013):
 I do agree with that saying, but "cheater" in my mind means someone who does it more than once. Like someone who has a one time indiscretion and feels awful, I don't think that means they will necessarily do it again. Someone who repeatedly cheats, I doubt they will ever change.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Yes, people can change. But people never change for others, and others can't make them change. They only change when and if they want to, for their own sake. And, it happens rarely that people change. It's more like.. learning impulse control rather than actually change.
A cheater doesn't see the problem with cheating, but may learn to control their desire to cheat. However the desire will still be there. You know what they say about recovering alcoholics, just because they stop drinking doesn't mean they're "done" being alcoholics. They will be alcoholics for the rest of their lives, but may learn to control themselves and not drink.
You knew cheating was wrong before you cheated, it's not like it suddenly hit you after the fact. You knew all along, so it's not like you suddenly grew a moral compass. You always knew it was wrong. Not to judge you, but you can't say you've changed just because you haven't done it again. You're still the same person, you have just started being proactive about the choices you make in life.
There's a big difference between "change" in a person, and a person just not doing a certain action any longer. Having stopped doesn't mean you've changed. It just means you've stopped. You only change once your impulses are shifted, and you no longer have any desire to cheat. If you feel tempted to cheat, but say no... well then you haven't changed at all, you've just started saying no. If you understand the difference.
And again, not judging you. I'm not an angel myself and hold absolutely no moral high ground. But my point is that once you know what you're capable of (in your case cheating) you can't ever forget about it and think you're over that phase of your life or something. It's a character trait of yours that you must always keep in check. For example, you might want to not drink a lot when at a party, because you are likely to cheat if you get too drunk. And, you might not want to put yourself in situations where you know you will feel tempted (because you are a person who gets tempted).
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reader, fzald +, writes (22 February 2013):
I disagree with "once a cheater always a cheater" In fact I disagree with just about any statement that generalizes EVERYONE into a specific pattern of behavior.There are so many reasons for someone to cheat. Some of them may indicate a person who will never stop cheating, but others don't. Someone could cheat because they don't feel it's wrong, enjoy the thrill, and don't feel remorse for it; they blame their partner for being upset that they were seeking out their own needs or whatever excuse they give.Some cheat because they feel unfulfilled in a relationship. If the cheating is largely sexual, it could be because the partner isn't providing something the person really needs or wants sexually, and maybe isn't willing to compromise or try. Some might cheat from simple immaturity. Things are rocky in a relationshio and rather than work it out they seek an easy way out. Then they later feel even worse because they know what they ruined. These are the people who do it once when young and regret it forever.Some cheat because they feel emotionally distant from their partner. As relationships progress stress and life take their toll and people crave that close connection they once felt with their partner. A lot of these people would choose any way to just refresh that with their own partner, but they either don't know how to do it, or they have tried and failed.And even more people cheat due to serious psychological disorders - disassociative identity disorder, bipolar, etc. And finally, some people just made an honest mistake. They were friends with someone else and it went a bit too far. MAybe some drinking was involved, maybe not. In most cases though, people DO feel guilty about cheating and would rather have an intimate, loving connection and relationship with their partner.So the upshot of all that is that you need to understand why someone cheated before you can even come close to making a statement like "once a cheater always a cheater" with truth. With your particular situation, without further details, I'd say you're probably OK. IF your boyfriend hasn't done anything recently that gives you any reason to suspect he's cheating, then it's certainly possible (and I hope for your sake!) that he simply made a stupid mistake, regrets it and has promised himself and you to never do it again. Sometimes the best relationships can be formed out of people who realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side and decide to come back together!Best of luck!!!F
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy partner slept with this girl for a whole month so it's not really a lapse in judgement :/
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): From my experience, once my wife started cheating it didn't stop until our marriage ended. Towards the end of the marriage I started cheating on her, although at that point, it was meaningless. I had 2 relationships since my divorce, I cheated in both of them multiple times. I had no relationship going and cheated with other men's wives knowing they were married because I know all the women I have sex with.I do not have sex with women I do not know. I have become the worst kind of cheater, I want married, attached women or I'll do women who are friends just for fun. It's been a lot easier to have sex with married women than woman who are single. I like doing what my wife did to me, I think the abuse and deceit from my marriage has me doing the same twisted thing,I'm not proud of it, it's really sick. I have to say there is something about cheating that when you start doing it, you get to like it, you like the variety, you enjoy the per suit and the prize. Once your a cheater your always going to cheat. I can't stop, I don't want to stop I love being a cheater, I know it's wrong and I don't care. People cheat for a reason, something is wrong when their significant other starts cheating, then it becomes a lifestyle. I think once you cheat, you will when the opportunity knocks with the right person. It's just my experience in the world of cheating.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 February 2013):
 I don't agree with "once a cheater always a cheater"
sometimes it's a one time thing...
yes people can change.
a HISTORY of cheating on more than one person would lead me to believe they can't change... but if a person did ONE THING ONCE and has not done it again... I'm a believer in second chances.
fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 February 2013):
 It's certainly a cliche ("once a cheater.. etc.") and it didn't occur in a vacuum. MANY people are "serial" cheaters who give no indication of reform, or change.....
HOWEVER, there's no reason that a penitent cheater can't mend his or her ways and go on, following a cheating episode, with a life of fidelity.....
Good luck...
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reader, academic_moss +, writes (22 February 2013):
I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. I've cheated one time and it was out of hurt/anger and was strictly to get back at someone who'd done me wrong. It was a BIG mistake and I've never done it, nor would do it, again. It was something childish and stupid that I did and I learned from it. Mistakes happen, OP.
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