A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'd love some perspectives on whether people who betray the trust of others ever regret it or change?Basically, I've been with my bf nearly 2 years and we're looking for a place to move into together, as suggested by him. At 7 months, I found he was sexting someone else. Confronted him, he cried, said he hadn't realised how it would make me feel, that it meant nothing, he'd never met the girl blah blah. One month later, I found him in bed with two girls, with two other guys asleep on the bedroom floor-all his old friends, after a drunken night out together. He swore nothing happened, and I believe him, but I told him how bad it looked as although everyone else was dressed, he was in his boxers. Seriously considered splitting up at this point, but worked through it. Then, 3 months later, he's sending flirty Facebook messages! But it all stopped after a week, nothing physical happened. Since then, nothing else has happened that I'm aware of, and I have learnt to trust him. He says he never wants to lose me, has never been so happy with someone, wants us to move in, get married some day, have children, blah blah. I've met his friends, work colleagues, family, and do feel pretty secure. From time to time, I recall past events detailed above and have a moment of insecurity. I tell him, and he reassures me but then says I need to stop bringing up the past because he has changed his behaviour, doesn't engage in flirty texting or going out getting drunk anymore because he doesn't want to risk any situation occuring that could hurt me or result in me leaving him.So, what I want to know is, do you think it is really possible for someone who has done this kind of thing to change? I'd like to believe it is, but part of me is just waiting for the next thing to happen, even though everything's been good for nearly a year now. He's never physically cheated on me or previous girlfriends, but has been cheated on in the past.How do I really relax and trust in him again??Thanks :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): OP you've been here a good few times over the past year asking this exact same question and after all the times I've replied saying he has to earn it back and give it time. After a year I can safely tell you it's never going to happen.
I did warn you all those times that he went too far didn't I? That there are some lines that you can cross in which there are no comebacks. That's what's happened here because you know full well he lied all those times.
I'll say it one more time: it doesn't sit well and you won't ever get over it because he lied to you about all those things and you let him get away with all those things scott free.
Of course you can't relax, he knows he can do any of those things again or worse and nothing bad will happen because you let him walk all over you.
It's been a year, maybe when you post again in another 6 months what I'm telling you will sink in.
You don't get over things when the issues aren't resolved, your issues aren't resolved because there were zero consequences, you let him get away things you never imagined you'd let a guy get away with and there is no chance in hell your sub-concious is going to let that slide. You can't trust him and you're never going to be able to.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Often I think that a question needs a mans viewpoint. This one has been covered so well that I hesitate to throw my 2 cents in.
The question isn't his problem. You know that and if you don't Bond Girl has clued you in. The question is your problem trusting him. And, I do feel you are justified in having doubts, even after a year of clean record. A year is his way of showing you by his actions that he has changed. But, I strongly believe that you still have a vivid memory of seeing him in bed with someone else. You still recall every word that he sexted to the other women. Those are not going to fade in a year.
You seem determined to rebuild a trust. That is the first key. Mostly you want from us, reassurance that it is possible. My answer from a christian point of view is that it must be possible. Without that possibility all my belief and hope is nothing.
On the other hand the statistics show that for well established causes liars lie , and cheaters cheat. We can not give you the assurance you need you need to know if your man is the exception. You need to hear from him in words, deeds , and expressed emotion that he is committed to you. Only you will know when you have proof enough. Most people recommend full disclosure and transparency to start. You may find out some things that will hurt, you will have to remain committed, determined, through that.
More communication, more openness, no hiding, this is what builds trust.
Good luck in your endeavor.
FA
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (21 June 2012):
 I do believe people can change but your bf isn't really doing much to show you that he's serious about treating you better. Once can be a mistake, more than that is a concious choice.
He saw how hurt you were the first time he was caught sexting and yet he continued to go behind your back again. This shows a complete disregard for your feelings.
Ok so he didn't physically cheat but it's clear that what he has done is still more than you are willing to put up with. You'll always be wondering when he's going to do it again and that doesn't make for a healthy relationship...
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Is this post for real? Not to be insulting, but if you believe all of these lies, you are very naive when it comes to men. You found him in bed with two girls and he claims nothing happened? Seriously? You caught him sexting and he says it meant nothing? If it meant nothing, then why was he doing it. No disrespect, but you need to get a clue. He is lying and you are letting him get away with it. So, you want to get a home and start a family with someone like this? Why? What does he have to offer? He is never going to stop this behavior. He knows he can get away with it, and you'll believe all his lies, so he has it made.
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A
female
reader, justmen +, writes (21 June 2012):
 From the words you use "confronted him"...." Found out he was sexting" ...sounds like the only reason you figured out what was going was because you "found out"/"confronted him" ie he lied to you. And he did so more than once. Unfortunately, stats and psychology literature on liars do not indicate change of repeat behaviors. You have doubts. Honor them. Women's doubts are never wrong. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, sophie'louise1324 +, writes (21 June 2012):
it seems like although you say you trust him you still feel quite insecure and there is that lack of trust in your relationship.
he seems to be doing a lot to try and make you trust him again and he has made sacrifices to stop any hurtful situation happening, but if you are still feeling insecure then maybe you need to step back and think about if you will ever trust this guy fully? As trust is the base to a relationship.
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