A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:am I overreacting and being unnecessarily suspicious or do I have actual reason to worry here?my gf and I have gone out for 3 years. we're in college together. over the time we've been together, things have been great. we have minor arguments from time to time but they are quickly resolved. in the past year or so though i've noticed that I'm seeing less of her on "important" events. let me try to lay this outlast Christmas, she went to visit family - expected - but then when she wanted to come back to see me (she doesn't drive) her famiy's car broke down and she couldn't make it, so she ended up stuck there for an extra two days, because they live in a very small rural town and there's no other transportation. we originally planned to spend the day after christmas together, but she was stuck at home that day, and she had already made other plans for the rest of the holidays, so I ended up not seeing her at all for the christmas holiday week.on Valentines day we had major plans, but she canceled last minute - on the day itself - because her uncle had a minor emergency and ended up in the hospital overnight. so she went to see him - and then went out to eat with her mom instead afterwards, because her mom instead of driving her back drove her to a restaurant.on her birthday, we had plans to spend the day together and I was going to take her wherever she wanted. the night before, she called to say a friend of hers needed emergency help on a school project, but that she would still see me later in the day and not to worry. of course, that project took way longer than she anticipated, and by the time she was done it was 10 at night, so we didn't see each other on her birthday.on St Patricks day, something we did plan to celebrate, she developed a severe headache in the mid-morning, took some pills to try to squash it, and ended up napping. she had told me to call her in the early evening to see if she felt better and if we could go out. she'd silenced her phone because the loud shrill ring was hurting her ears, but she was figuring she'd hear the vibration, but she fell asleep and missed that. she finally woke up on her own in the later evening and it was a bit too late.on my birthday, we had plans again, but a different friend of hers was having a medical procedure and needed someone there and her original person bailed at the last minute. so she didn't see me on my birthday, either.there are other times we've had plans to do something alone, together, and most of the time lately, those plans end up having something "come up." we have not spent real private time alone in a few months now.we do see each other a lot around campus. we eat lunch together, have a class or two together, and sometimes even stay out sitting in the lounges in the evenings. but I haven't been able to go to her room on campus because the story is that some people held a massive drinking party over valentines day weekend and the cops got involved, and the end result was a ban on anyone over 21 from visiting for the rest of the year, theoretically to keep alcohol out of the area. some of her stories I know for sure are true - sometimes I know the people involved. so for example, I know her friend was definitely having surgery on that one day. and I know for a fact that my gf spent the day with her, because I called her at one point to see how things were going and her friend got on the phone to say hi to me. i've tried to talk to her about it. she apologizes, but always says, "i really don't like this either, but what can I do about it? you really can't tell your friend she's on her own for surgery, or your uncle that you're not seeing him in the hospital, or that i should see you when i have a splitting headache..." you get the idea. basically, she says she understands, but she takes the approach of "There's nothing i can do about it, so stop being so upset because it makes it hard." it's the passive approach. she says "I really would much rather have spent the day with you, but I can't blow everyone else off." if I try to even get close to saying that i feel blown off, she just gets really stressed out and says "what the hell am I supposed to do? i can't please everyone!"guys/girls, what should I do? i'm starting to feel a little deprived (i am a guy after all!) and it's starting to make me feel suspicious, when i really don't have a good reason to feel that way. the last five times we had serious major plans they got canceled, and for the past two months i haven't been able to even be alone with her. is it really just that i have terrible luck and that every time we make major plans she has some other important thing come up in her life? if she is making anything up she's not making all of it up because as I said I know most of what she says is definitely true. but i think not having even cuddled her or spent time alone with her in this long is starting to wear at me, and she doesn't understand, it ends up making me feel like i'm horribly selfish.i get that she has stress in her life too but i also feel like us spending a little more quality time together could help both of our stress levels. she spends time doing things for everyone else, stressing herself out, then when I want to spend time with her and give her the chance to let loose and enjoy herself, it doesn't happen. it feels like a vicious cycle is going on!what should I do???
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2013):
 This girl is not nearly as serious as you are about what is "going on" between the two of you.....
From your list of "happenstances" and her excuses for avoiding you ..... if more than terribly suspicious... it is flagrantly inconsiderate and unbelieveable.... (so DON'T believe them!)....
Then, decide for yourself if you want to have much - or anything - to do with a girl who would be so inconsiderate of your/your time/your expectations.....
There are MUCH better "boyfriends" available....
Good luck...
A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (9 May 2013):
I think she gave you the magic answer you are looking for: "what the hell am I supposed to do? i can't please everyone!"
This isn't about pleasing everyone. This is about consistently missing dates with a person she has been with for 3 years. You simply can't count on her. You haven't been "alone" with her in two months.
"it ends up making me feel like i'm horribly selfish". Yeah and that's the "slippery" part about all this. It is disguised to twist it around and make you look like you're controlling, selfish and bitter for trying to spend some time with her on a special occasion.
The question is: "What should I do?"
My personal opinion is: "Next."
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 May 2013):
 Once, twice maybe ? Three times starting to look like it's excuses. And friends have (usually) mothers, fathers, siblings, other friends who can be there, (sometimes). So while it seems that she is the self appointed 'most significant support person' to everyone else it seems you come last in the equation every time.
It's starting to look like the 'avoidance dance' in operation.
And it seems to me as if she thinks it's OK to blow you off, but not everyone else.
You are being way too nice. Do some other things at lunch time without her. Suggest to some friends that you all go a to place (anywhere off school grounds) for lunch.
Or pack your own lunch and then take your lunch and you to somewhere else to have lunch.
I think she's subjecting you to a string of excuses.
Now here's how my hospital admissions have worked. I had to have a short (scheduled) stay in hospital last week and also stayed there overnight, after I came out of the procedure, to be monitored. Nothing life threatening. I gave the family hugs at home. My guy took me to hospital. Hospitals are busy places, they are not family reunions.
I really do get why family stick around when a person first arrives at hospital, before they are admitted.
But once admitted the nurses and doctors have work to do. Visiting time and holding hands time is over.
The only exception is if the patient is a small child needing reassurance, where the patient can be better managed if a parent is there, or a very confused elderly person who needs someone there to liaise with medical staff, provide support for the elderly patient, and information for the medical staff.
Last week we went to the reception and I was shown to my room. Said goodbye as they had to get things ready.
From then on I waited in a nice warm area and had things explained to me by the nurse. These are not places for family to congregate around.
Neither is theatre nor the after recovery area. Hospitals are happy to let family know what time a patient is out of theatre and into recovery. But the recovery area is not for visiting time. In the morning my guy arrived, by which time I was packed up and ready to leave. No drama.
And in the past I've had a really serious medical issue, when I was 26, where I was so ill that my own family were told I was too sick to have visitors in the IC area where I was. And later I was allowed one visitor at a time until I was better. And at the time that one visitor hardly registered with me while I was hooked up to drips, catheter, monitor etc, I wasn't even up to talking, rare for me :)
My best friends just sent best wishes via phoning up the hospital and these get well mentions were conveyed to me by the nurse.
So who is more important to her? Her plethora of friends, Uncles, Aunties, school friends? Or her alleged primary relationship with you?
I think she's detaching herself emotionally from you, little by little. And why do all these drama's happen on significant days? Birthdays, ST Valentines, St Patricks? It's way too convenient.
Are you supposed to get the hint?
At the very least she does not know how to say goodbye to you.
The story about not being able to visit her? That is dripping with a potential lie. And silly of her to say this, if it's a lie, as her assertions are easily (quietly) verifiable by a quiet inquiry - though I would not bother - if you did inquire it would prove that your trust in her was already shattered.
But the really really significant 'unable to attend' was St Valentine's Day. What girl in love and in her right mind would want to skip St Valentine's day with her guy?
And what about good manners? If she already has a pre-arranged date with you then you come first. Other requests from friends would have to be met with, 'sorry, I'm already committed to another prearranged event'
I suggest you make some plans this weekend, and next weekend, without mentioning these to her. After all she leaves you in limbo at the last minute. Go off and enjoy yourself, hiking, fishing, camping. Or go on a scenic drive somewhere nice and stay overnight at some place you've never been to before. Turn your phone off, you're not her available lap dog to pick up when it suits her.
Don't seek her out next week. Let her come to you.
If it bothers her she'll seek you out. See if she notices your absence. Or if she cares.
Yes, I do think it's likely that she considering breaking up with you. And she may already have a replacement guy in mind, waiting to take over, once her break up with you is official.
It's sad, but who needs a Gf who can't be honest and isn't loyal to you?
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (8 May 2013):
 It sounds like it's over already to be honest. Does she try to make it up to you when she cancels on you? Does she make any effort to arrange to spend time with you or is it always on you to make the plans? My guess is it's always you, and you are making all the effort in the relationship. She obviously sees you as a very low priority, so she either takes you for granted, or she just wants out.When you ask a woman out and she says "I'd like to, but I'm really busy and don't know when I'll have time." You know what that means, right?You could try backing off a bit. Stop making an effort and making plans with her, and see if there's any change in her attitude toward you. My guess is that is exactly what she wants and will simply grow even more distant. If that happens you know it's over. The good news is college is full of girls!
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (8 May 2013):
 The Christmas and Valentine's Day and a couple of other excuses are valid, but it's the fact that it happens all the time. A couple of times would have been understandable, but if you haven't spent time together in months, that's ridiculous. She knows that it's happening all the time and instead of putting you first when things "come up", she ALWAYS puts someone else first. The napping and phone excuse is totally lame. I have a friend who will do this. We make plans to go out, she decides on the day that she doesn't want to but instead of telling me she will make a vague mention of having a headache, switch her phone to silent and text me at midnight or the next day to say that she's so sorry but she was sleeping and she didn't hear her phone. She could have rung you to say she wasn't feeling better. The whole thing with the dorm room sounds like a lame excuse, too. Just out of interest, why can't she come to your place? Wouldn't that be a solution or is there some reason why she can't?If I were supposed to go on a date with my boyfriend of three years and some major emergency that I really couldn't get around came up, then I would feel like I had some major making up to do. I would make sure that I made time for him later. She doesn't seem to feel that need. I think that you need to sit down with her and have a serious talk about where things are heading. It does sound like she is trying everything she can not to spend alone time with you. I'm sorry but it sounds to me like she doesn't want to be with you anymore (you don't even get to cuddle her?) but she doesn't have the guts to break up with you. Hear her out, but be prepared for a break-up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): Well, it seems you are experiencing the "reversed roles" situation. The guy is on the receiving end of the elusive lover. Well, this is my take on it. Women will have a different opinion. They'll also hate me for revealing their secrets. You need to give her some space. Find things to do on your own or with other friends; and completely leave her out of it.Don't always plan events for or with her. Allow her to decide things she may want to do that include family, or her friends. It's usually the woman who feels she has to be co-pilot in every event. That tends to smother people. There are just times when people have to get away from you, no matter how much they really love you.She may be creative in making really legitimate excuses. In reality, she spends the bulk of her free time with you. So she tries not to hurt your feelings when she steals a little time to do things on her own. She is a rare type. She seeks independence. Move over, give her some room.Don't place her under suspicion. If you're wrong, you are going to damage your relationship by telling her that if she wants to do anything by herself, you don't trust her.Thus she makes up lies or excuses to have a little "me" time. Don't be too needy. She's pulling away for a reason.Please don't run to some ridiculous extreme when you read this next suggestion. It is mere speculation; but I want to give you a little insight on female thinking. Women sometimes use tactics to get your attention when they don't see their relationship going anywhere.They start to deprive you of things; because they don't like being taken for granted. You get less sex, they stare at you. When you ask them why, the response is: "Nothing!" Why do you ask?" That means "read my mind you insufferable dick!"They get edgy and figidity. Close themselves in the bathroom or bury their faces in a book. Long unusual periods of silence. Notice any of that behavior? The air is so tense it crackles. She rolls her eyes a lot. She sighs so loud you hear her two rooms away!That means you're crowding her and getting on her nerves!!! She is always where she should be, when she should be there.She is at your beck and call, and she is loyal to a fault.This is the duty of a "wife." Not a girlfriend. Even a wife does not have to be available at your beck and call, and you don't always get to choose how or where to spend every holiday event. When was the last time you discussed your future together? Does it include a wedding? Ugh-huh...okay!She is sending the message: "Poop or get off the pot. Where's the engagement ring? I may as well spend my time doing what I feel like doing, instead of dutifully clinging to your arm; even when I'd rather be doing something else!I have a life, and I've got things to do. I'm tired of being a full-time girlfriend for crying out loud!"She's silently screaming in her head. You ask how do I know these things? I'm gay. I have an unfair advantage. I know a little how they think. So sue me!Don't go run out and buy a ring (not just yet), and don't run screaming with your hands over your head in panic. I'm just giving you something to think about, other than suspecting her of an affair. Which has undoubtedly crossed your mind. She is an intelligent, educated woman. She is not a whiny, clingy, female who never has anything to do, but chase you with text messages and snoop through your e-mail, or smartphone messages, to see what you're up to. She's just too busy for that. Dude, you're high maintenance. Emotionally that is.She is loyal to you, her family, and her friends. She is a fantastic woman. Or she is a fantastic liar. Take your pick.I'd say she is independent, and you're very lucky to have her. If she's cheating, kick her to the curb; and write another post. I'll help you there too.Now here's a suggestion. Take a vacation to Vegas with some buddies. You do have buddies I hope? Go camping, or on a retreat. ALONE!!! Leave her alone and let her have time to herself. Don't sneak back to see if you can catch her. That is really a chic tactic. Please don't embarrass yourself like that. You go running into the run screaming AH-HA!!! She's sitting there with mud on her face, baggy panties, your old tee shirt, hair curlers, doing her toe nails while reading an ebook; and relishing the time ALONE! Or dressed to the nines, with some hot dude massaging her feet. Just kidding! You need humor. You're too intense.Shut off your cell when you're away. Go to the gym more frequently, or the sauna. Get tanned, toned, and sculpted.Re-invent yourself. You're boring. Do some obnoxious guy things to drive her nuts. She probably thinks she's living with another chick! Sorry, dude! That was a low blow. I had to say it.Shower and go straight to bed a few nights in a row. Don't give her any "little jimmy" ("Big Jimmy"...whatever the case). Relieve yourself in the shower. Make her miss him. Give her room to rollover in bed. No cuddling, no spooning.Let her have to wonder where YOU are, and what you are doing for a change. You're too predictable. You always have every moment planned and scheduled. Be spontaneous and leave her out of it. Ask her if she has plans, before you invite her to do what it is you've planned for both of you.When people pull away, you let them go and give them space.That means you have been up in their grill far too long, and they need it. She needs to miss you. She misses her friends and family. YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF HER UNIVERSE! If she is cheating, she'll get caught. The truth always comes to light. You can lie until the cows come home, there will be a major slip-up, and out pops the truth. Cheaters always get caught. It turns them on. They feed on the drama.So until there is some true evidence that there is a problem, get out of her hair. Disappear without a word.Make up a lame excuse for it. Find a hobby, hangout with the fellas. Visit your mom, or go fishing. Join a new study group, just try trusting her first. Convict her on solid evidence. So far, everything has been only circumstantial!Shes been caught with family or friends! OMG!!! She needs to miss you.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 May 2013):
I'd be suspicious as well, so I don't blame you. I'm not saying she's cheating, but she may be weaning herself off you.
Tell her you understand things come up but there's no way she hasn't had any time for you and it's got to the point where you don't feel like she has her heart in things. Tell her a relationship is like a fire in that it needs fuel. When you stop giving it fuel the fire will go out, and you feel like she stopped giving it fuel for a couple of months.
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