A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with a married man and he's in love with me. I told him to stay with his wife as she is devastated and wants him to stay and make things work - they have young children.Is it really always so wrong to fall in love with someone who is in a relationship? Could it not be that you've just found the love of your lives and the new relationship really could be meant to be? He hasn't been happy in his marriage for a long time but would never have left. I just don't want him to regret his decision but am missing him so, so much. Is there anyone out there who's relationship started as an affair and has resulted in a happy, long term relationship?Just confused as I miss him so much and I know he wants to be with me. Just want to try and do the right thing for all concerned.
View related questions:
affair, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): I have been asking myself that question for close to two years and this is what I have come up with. No one can judge you and your feelings. You fell in love with someone who was already married. Some of the postings said that he chose her over everyone else to marry. Well when he married her he hadn't met you yet had he. And if he had would he have made the same choice over again. Maybe, but if your love for each other is strong he probably would have chosen you. The only thing "wrong" here is the timing. Feelings are a hard thing to control. Should we put aside our own happiness just to keep everyone else around us happy. And is everyone really happy. There are no gaurentees in life. Thins happen, an people change. We are human and we fall in and out of love. Is and ending to a marriage sad? Sure, but is living your life in a lie, not being in love with your husband/wife but staying together because"you have to", its the right thing to do? That is not living life. Loving truly is living life. Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (18 August 2008):
 The problem is someone always get hurt in these situations. He was married so you should have stayed away from him. Of course you have both fallen in love, this usually happens and is caused by chemicals released when you make love. This often leads to men who were happy in their marriage but thought they could get away with a bit on the side finding that they are torn in two. If they had thought with their brains and not whats in their trousers then they would probably have stayed happily married.
He says he was unhappy in his marriage then he should have done something about it first before embarking on an affair with you. He could have talked and tried to make it work and if it didnt he should have left her. Yes she would still have been hurt but the pain of him cheating is worse then just being left. Now you are all hurting, she will never accept you in her life or her childrens if you do get back with him. It also suggests to me that if he is staying with her because she is devastated then he wants it to work and has strong feelings for her, if he truly loved you he would be with you x
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (18 August 2008):
 Is it wrong? yes. But it happens doesn't it.
When i met my kids dad i got to know him over 2 yrs as we worked together. We were both married and he had 2 young sons. At that point i wouldn't of thought for a minute we would end up together! After 2 yrs both our marriages were on the rocks and i split from my hubby, and he split from his wife, no talk of us getting together or any hanky panky going on! But we both knew our marriages were over. And we were attracted to one another. I went into work one day and he was off, our supervisor said he has left his wife and is moving out today so he's not in. I was gob smacked but obviously secretly pleased!
Anyway, we went on to have 9 good years and 2 children together.
We didn't split with our spouces because of each other, those were done and dusted apart from the moving out by the time we were attracted to each other like that. And his wife gave him a terrible time when he first left, i thank god we didn't have mobile phones back then! She hired private detectives the lot.
The key thing here is his marriage was over and he left. As was mine. Nothing any of us could of said to each other would of influenced us staying put or moving on.
I think if you are telling him to stay because of his wife, and he is staying, you dont have much chance really.
C xxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 August 2008):
 I personally don't know of any affairs that have turned out well for all parties involved. There is always someone hurt, there's just no getting around that.
I don't think you can help having feelings for someone, but you can control your actions and choices. If you choose to sleep with someone who is married, well, I personally don't find that an honorable choice. Sorry. If he was free and available, that's one thing, but he does have a wife, a wife he chose and who loved him enough to marry him and have children with him.
Maybe men and women enter into affairs to avoid doing the hard work that's needed to keep a marriage strong and healthy. It's not fun to try to communicate and listen and understand. It's not fun to deal with everyday, mundane crap like bills, sick children and whose turn is it to walk the dog or take out the garbage. It IS fun to feel like a giddy teenager again, all crushy and flirty and romantic, not to mention hot and passionate. It's kind of mental laziness to choose the affair over the hard work.
Now there are times when the marriage does crumble, for many reasons, but that's another thing, if both parties have done their UTMOST to save it. If one is putting in less than 100% effort, well, that one's priorities are screwed up.
I have to say that I applaud you for trying to do the right thing, I think that shows inner strength and some kind of understanding of what the family is going through. I think that if you are really committed to wanting him to work things out with his wife, you're going to need to absent yourself from his life for now. So that you don't distract him from what he needs to do, so that he can give that 100% attention to his wife and the marriage. Are they getting counseling? I hope so.
I'm sorry that you've fallen in love with a man who is unavailable. It may be that the marriage is irreparably damaged, and he will be free to pursue you in the future, but for now, leave him to do what you know he needs to do. It sounds like you do care about how his wife is handling this, and that she has 'first dibs' on him. He married her, for heaven's sake, he chose her above all others to marry and to have children with. Quitting now without trying would be reprehensible.
You need to get yourself some support from your friends and family, as you'll need it to get through this break up. Do all those things that keep you busy and give you joy. Do go out on casual dates and don't stay home and cry all the time. Give yourself the chance to mourn, then get up, dry your eyes and face the world knowing that you've done the right thing.
I wish you all the best in this struggle to do the right thing.
...............................
|
