A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi maybe somebody can help meI have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He's a very great guy and good looking. The thing that has been bothering me is he has a few female friends who are really into him. I hate to sound selfish, but I don't like the fact that my boyfriend is friends with/talking to these girls who are interested in him and flirt with him. He says he's told them he has a girlfriend, but they still continue with their behavior. He says there is nothing wrong with being friends and getting to know the girls just because they like him and flirt because he doesn't want them and only sees them as friends. But is it really a platonic friendship when the other person wants more?Maybe I'm the one in the wrong here, I really don't know. I don't know if this is an insecurity issue or what but I just want to handle this situation the right way. What would you guys do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): Unless you have evidence the guy is cheating; I really don't think you have to leave the guy.
Have a frank talk with him, and establish boundaries about respect for your relationship from other females he knows. Make it totally clear; that if he wishes you to remain in an exclusive and committed relationship, the other females had better stay in the friend-zone.
He can't stop them from flirting. He's a great guy.
How the heck is an attractive person going to stop people from noticing they are attractive, or wanting to be with them? He can't control your jealous feelings or insecurity.
He's not a possession. He's your boyfriend.
I don't agree he is stringing girls along. If a guy is exceptionally popular and attractive; aggressive females will throw themselves at him hoping their good-looks will throw him off-track draw him away.
An insecure girlfriend is going to feel threatened at every female who looks his way. The issue isn't all his problem; you can't deal with having a good-looking boyfriend. You have an issue with the fact he gets a lot of female-attention.
If you can't deal with that; then perhaps the advice to drop him is best.
Let me tell you something. A guy can be pretty average, and if he's a great boyfriend; other girls are going to want him.
Go find yourself an awkwardly shy introverted geek. You might not be secure enough about yourself to be with a hunk.
A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 You're right. His behaviour is cause for worry. He's your boyfriend and fine, maybe he is entitled to have female friends, but if he gives these girls reason to think there could be hope with him then I think your reasoning is understandable. Usually, if you are in a committed relationship and love and consider your partners feelings, then you won't do anything to jeopardise that. Your boyfriend no doubt enjoys the attention, but to be fair to you he should really be playing it cool with these girls. It doesn't mean he shouldn't say hi to them or to talk to them within a group situation, but he wouldn't go out of his way to encourage them and he would make it clear to them he loves you and wants to spare you any hurt.
Have a heart to heart with him and explain how this is impacting on you. Perhaps once he knows how his actions are affecting you he might be a bit more considerate in future. But if he continues to court and coax these girls then it might be decision time for you. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): Hi Tisha-1 thanks for your reply. It's actually both online and in real life problem. Most of them have just met my boyfriend through his sister. There's only about 3-5 of them. No they are not really my friends, I've not talked with them I've just noticed their behavior.
They don't seem to be too interested in me or happy that I am in the picture to be honest. I only say this because my boyfriend said a couple of them were put off and acted weird when he had told them he has a girlfriend. This is what really made me feel bad because I don't understand why they would be upset about that, which in my opinion just confirms that they really do like him and are interested in him.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 March 2014):
 If you were posting here to complain about him HAVING female friends, that would be an insecurity issue.
But in your case he is knowingly stringing along girls who like him and trying to justify his behavior with "Well, I'd never actually *date* them..."
He's a jerk for playing with anyone's emotions like that, and even IF he's only using them to stroke his ego, that's still not fair to you. And all you have is a shady guy's word that that's as far as it goes, since it doesn't sound as though you have met any of them in person or otherwise "confirmed" that they know about you.
You can either leave now (best choice, if you are brave enough) or give him the ultimatum that either the ego-feeding flirtations go or YOU do. Be warned, he probably isn't going to change - so be prepared to follow through on any warning you give him about breaking up with him over this.
What I *don't* think you should do is stick around and say nothing while he disrespects you and your relationship by egging on these "friends" of his. You deserve better.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): "He says he's told them he has a girlfriend, but they still continue with their behavior."
If your boyfriend respected you, your feelings and his relationship with you, then he would have told them to get lost.
"He says there is nothing wrong with being friends and getting to know the girls just because they like him and flirt because he doesn't want them and only sees them as friends."
But he knows they want him and if he respected you, your feelings and his relationship with you, then he wouldn't continue to encourage their behavior but not discouraging him.
"But is it really a platonic friendship when the other person wants more?"
No.
"What would you guys do?"
I would refuse to allow myself to be disrespected and dump him.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 I think you're going to have to get used to the fact that your good looking boyfriend is going to have other girls after him. If you don't like it find a less appealing boyfriend.
You either trust him or you don't. Find a way to deal with your insecurities or they may bring about the very thing you fear the most.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 March 2014):
 Just to add: you wrote "they still continue with their behavior."
Actually HE still continues encouraging their behavior.
Are they your friends?
Is this an online thing?
More info needed, thanks!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 March 2014):
If he's 'getting to know' these women knowing they want him, then he's kind of an asshole. Ok. he's not kind of an asshole, he IS an asshole. Do they do this when you are with him or this some sort of online problem?
What would I do?
I'd break up with him. You don't need a guy whose ego is so desperate.
You could test him by seeing if he is comfortable with you pursuing friendships with guys who have made it clear that they are interested in you.
But then you'd be playing the same games he is.
I would let this one go back into the dating pool.
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