A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why do men find it such a big problem that im good friends with an old ex?Background- I got together with my first proper boyfriend when I was 15. We were together for 4 years and he was my first love and my first everything. We had a good young relationship but we grew apart as often happens. When I was 19 we split and didn't have any contact for 2 years but when I turned 21 he wished me a happy birthday via text and we began catching up. Nothing romantic at all, we were both with new people but we talked and had a giggle about a few things.Anyway this turned into a great friendship and we've been solely friends, nothing romantic at all, for now 10 years. We speak on the phone once or twice a week and text now and again. Since we have been friends he has got married to a wonderful woman (I attended the wedding) and I get on incredibly well with his wife. They live 100 miles away but a few times a year we'll meet in the middle for lunch or whatever. Sometimes his wife comes but sometimes not.I'm aware that this isn't a conventional kind of friendship but if we were the same sex and didn't have a relationship when we were so very young I'm sure no one would question it!The problem I have is that no man that I have been romantically involved with over the last 10 years can accept our friendship. I have had 3 or 4 short lived relationships and every single one of them demands I cut ties with him. My most recent relationship was with a man I had worked with for several years who knew all about my friend and seemed not to have a problem with it as he has a very close female friend. It started out fine, he met my friend, spoke to him on the phone etc then one day made a snide remark - I received a text from my friend and when asked who it was I said and my boyfriend replied 'oh him again, what does he want now' then said I don't see why you two have to be friends, it's weird. From then on things went sour. Despite him having a good female friend who he speas to most days!! I don't want to cut ties with my friend and I don't want to lie to a new fb about being such good friends with him so what can I do? Is it really that strange for a man and woman to be good friends?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): Is it okay to secretly see old romantic partners without telling your current partner? Of course not.
If you don't tell the truth about your history with this male "friend" then its just as wrong. Instead of telling your BF the truth that someone is an old partner and then lying about seeing them, you are telling the truth about seeing someone but lying about them being an old partner. The end result is the same wrongful deception, just a different route to get there.
Once you date or have sex with someone it forever changes some things about your relationship with them. A big one is how your relationship with that person will fit in with your future relationships. Sorry but that is the consequences of choosing to date or have sex with someone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): I don't see how it's relevant to bring up the fact you were together 10 years ago. I'd not mention it unless asked and then brush it off as nothing but a teenage thing.
Also OP, be careful in that it may well be the men you choose. Maybe you like guys with a bit of a territorial/jealous/protective/insecure streak to them.
Also if it's like he's your only friend then also could be an issue.
My feeling though is that it's just the male/female dynamic and you're meeting guys who don't have female friends that close and probably don't think it's possible, you'd be surprised how many believe that. Even I do, because I've pretty much slept with all of mine at one point or another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): Thanks again for you replies.
I may have appeared to 'gush over him' while writing on here but believe me it's quite different 'in real life'. He can be quite an arse sometimes and he knows it! As much as we drifted and grew apart, unbeknown to me at the time he had been speaking to someone else behind my back and he has been unfaithful to his wife since they've been together, in fact there's a lot of things that I don't approve of that he's done but it's as with any friend, it's their life so their decision.
Yes he was my first 'everything' but in the sense that he was my first boyfriend, the first person I slept with or was intimate with. He was also the first person to lie to me and effectively cheat on me!! Our past hasn't always been rosy!
Would it just be a good idea for me to tell prospective future boyfriends that he's my friend then but not mention that we had a relationship unless it comes up?
I really want to find happiness but don't want to ruin my friendship either!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): From a male perspective, OP, sometimes women are so close to another man you just don't feel she has any room in her life for you.
She gets a text from him and she gets that giddy smile usually reserved for a guy she's dating. He is a large part of her life and memories so she can't talk about anything about herself without constantly bringing him up. You feel like you're being compared to this "amazing guy" who has a connection with her you know you can't compete with, so why bother?
OP he has far too much value to your life than to get rid of him completely, but it's also that value that puts men off.
In a sense you can't win, but you will find a guy who is fine about it, from a rational perspective there's nothing to worry about for any guy dating you. Even if you cut down the contact with him etc. it just looks like you're hiding him because OP no matter how discreet you think you are, your very demeanour and how you talk about him says it all and that's not something you will ever be able to hide. He's too good to you, and has been an amazing friend to you so you can't help but gush over him. And whether you think it is or not, it is very different than if this was a female friend.
It's different because women don't gush about female friends in the same way they do about male friends. I have quite a few female friends I'm very close to and have had a sexual history with, never dated them though, I don't keep exs as friends. The fact I've slept with them is something they make sure they don't tell their prospective partners because all of a sudden what looks like a friend becomes suspicious.
The fact we get on so well and have so many in-jokes and "secret codes" as all friends do, becomes something more than just friends to their partners.
The fact that we fucked means our connection is more than friends, for life. In a practical sense it means I could be the very embodiment of a guy who is better in bed than them or have a bigger dick than them, you'd be surprised how many times that came up as an issue, then there's also the fact that we can share a personal joke that no one else will get and that also breeds suspicion, so they just don't tell guys anymore that we slept together.
OP as I see it, my main issue with dating you would be the importance you put on his role in the past. You gush over him being your first love, your first everything, well sorry but how can I compete with your "everything"? I can't. You put too much importance in what you used to be, so it's still there. The fact you dated and it's still so important to you would be very off putting. If it was just an aside, something as insignificant as a teenage relationship that happened ten years ago then I'd be fine. But to you he's the greatest relationship you've had, and you make sure we all know that too, and I have too much self-respect to have to compete with that to bother with you.
I can never win against a memory that's so important to you, I'll never be able to compete with your "first everything" so I'll always feel second best.
Removing the significance of your past with him would go long way to remedying that. "Ah yeah, we were together in our teens for a little while but it wasn't anything major" would be fine for me and it wouldn't be a lie either because it was ten years ago. But frankly OP, it sounds like he's still the best you've ever been with and still are with, so it does feel like you haven't left that bit of your past behind. You still love your first love, maybe not romantically, but there's not too big a difference.
Focus on who he is now as a friend and leave the past behind and you'll have a better chance of guys not feeling threatened.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 March 2014):
 My first BF and I are friend and it's been 20 years since we broke up. I don't get to met up but we do e-mail and occasionally (not as often as you do) talk on the phone. There are no romantic feelings involved.
He is the only ex I talk to. The other two, I don't. One was/is a friend of my brother's so I hear occasionally what he is up to and I wish him well, the other, I couldn't care less.
I don't think what you have with your ex is so out of bounds or strange. BUT I do think you text more then you let on in your post, maybe even talk to him more then you let on. Because if you ONLY talk once a week, a COUPLE (that means 2-3) texts a week I can't see why anyone would find it odd. Now if you MAKE a big deal out of explaining how you two were SO young and in love and now managed to be BEST buddies, it might be perceived as there is more going on then you let on. Maybe you seem make TOO big of a deal out of this friendship is NON-romantic.
Like one of the aunties mentioned, the timing of the texts and/or the content might be what the men you date don't like. Or how you react to getting a text from him.
You last BF (the one you knew from work) seemed to think your ex was a competitor NOT a friend. Where as ANY of his female friends are OK, you can't be trusted to have a male friend.
My husband talk to his High School sweetheart and I have no problem with it. He talk to his ex wife now and then and female former co-workers. Not a big deal, it's about trust. And I CHOOSE to trust my husband.
So try and sit down and look back at your last relationship and try and pin point what it WAS about you having this ex as a friend that made them feel threatened. And know that some men have this odd double standard where they think a woman isn't capable of having male friend and be faithful to, it's like SOME (not all) men think women can walk and chew gum.
And I agree, if THE friendship has been the CAUSE EVERY time a relationship has failed, then you REALLY need to take a good long hard look and see if it's worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): Thanks for all your replies so far.I'm not at all flirty with my ex, I speak to him as I'd speak to one of my girl friends. I genuinely have no romantic feelings for him at all, I see him almost like a brother (I'm aware that may seem strange!!) but I just feel like I almost grew up with him.. We had a very young, immature relationship and simply grew apart yet he was a big part of my life and we get on incredibly well.I don't tell new boyfriends much about him but I do make them aware I have a male friend that I'm close with as I know that it can be an issue later on. With my last two boyfriends I have cut down on how much I speak to my ex but I refuse to cut him out completely, not only do I not want to but I don't feel like I should, yet it's still created a problem. Maybe it is me in the wrong, I really don't know, but I know I'm not at all intimate or flirty with my ex, we don't have that kind of friendship. I call him 'dude' or 'mate' when we talk, he always says I speak to him like his boy mates speak to him and even jokes that I should have been a boy because of how I speak to him! I speak to his wife on the phone and text her a fair bit too but no one questions that as she's female!!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 March 2014):
 What is strange is how much info you share about your ex. A new boyfriend doesnt have to know the details, and what bothers them is most probably not the friendship, but how you behave about this friendship. Maybe you appear to still love him, or long for him. Maybe the texting is fine, but the content is too intimate. Maybe youve shared too much info, maybe you flirt too much. Im just saying, when all these guys have a problem with it, there probably is a problem. But its hard for us to say what the problem is without knowing the dynamic of your friendship.
I am also civil with a couple of my exes. My bf was friends with a girl he used to be in love with (they didnt date). My bf doesnt have a problem with my exes, but I did have a problem with his female friend. And you know why? Because she kept texting him in the middle of the night and he always rushed to answer. She asked details about our sex life. She wanted to spend the night with him, they had intimate moments etc. Despite calling it a friendship, some things are just out of line.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): I know everyone has different beliefs when it comes to having exes as friends.
I personally don't like it. I am not friends with any exes (I'm 23 btw) and I don't think I ever will be. I don't like dating guys who are friends with their exes.
Here's how I see it:
You slept with them. You were in love. Now you're just friends? I know for me it will never work that way, but I also know everyone is different.
In short, I am okay with a boyfriend having female friends. I am NOT okay with it if they have slept together, and that includes exes.
Just my opinion…but that may help you see where your ex bf's are coming from. Ultimately you have two choices:
1. Stop being so close to your old ex, so new bf's won't be bothered by your relationship
2. Find a bf who genuinely doesn't care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): Hey there. Well in my honest opinion there is a difference between regular friends (friends who have had no past romantic relationships or feelings) and being friends with ex partners - it's not really the same kind of thing. One is a friend, one is an ex.
Now with all of that aside, let's get back to your story. You have a huge history with your ex. you were with him for 4 years, and now have been friends for 10 years. I think a lot of people would definitely be threatened and maybe even worried about why their partner is so close with an ex and probably just don't understand.
I am not trying to assume things but if every single guy you've been dating has a problem with it, then maybe you're doing something that you don't even realize you're doing. Maybe you're being over friendly and they are mistaken it for flirting. Maybe you are talking to your ex at inappropriate times.
But you have to realize you are letting this situation destroy all of your new relationships. Is your ex worth all of that? He is fortunate enough to have an incredibly understanding wife through all of this. But this doesn't seem to be the case with you. He is now married and moving on with his life, while you're over here having all of your relationships fail over and over again because of him. Not very fair to you, surely you want to be happy and actually have a successful relationship. I guess it will all come down to how much your ex really means to you.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (10 March 2014):
 I wouldnt care if you not sleeping with them. I have ex friends some choose to make contact some dont. At times they feel social at times they dont. I know alot of times I have to cut some.ties from time to time to do me 1$t and foremost. Its possible people could becomes obsessive you see the red flags he wont really let you break up with him. So its like he controls the relationship just stay with him one less problem to worry about. Unless in like me dating and noy being exclusive until a proper relationship is form. Take precautions is all I can say if you not taking no money job or housing then I doubt he would be bothered that you want to call it quits.
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