A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Not really sure where to start... I'm a relatively young male and I just entered my first relationship. I am a virgin. I've never done anything sexual, other than masturbate. My girlfriend is also a virgin.Very recently, my girlfriend and I tried to have sex. One day we started with just a handjob because that's all she was comfortable with doing. It took me a while to get an erection. I even lost the erection mid-handjob. We were able to finish and it took a while, about 40 minutes.Then about a week later we tried intercourse and it couldn't have gone worse. I couldn't even get an erection. We stopped and decided that it doesn't have to happen right now. So we took a shower and she gave me another handjob. This time was much easier for me to get and maintain and erection all the way through.We tried again the night after that and it was a little better. I was able to get a partial erection. I tried to insert my penis but I lost what little erection I had almost immediately. We took another shower and another handjob. I started to finger her and she stopped me and said it was weird. I think she was just nervous.Third night we tried again and I was able to get almost fully erect and upon insertion I again lost my erection. I did mention how I couldn't feel anything because of the condom. She asked me if I wanted to try without it and pull out. I didn't say no, but I didn't say yes. I said I was worried about pre-cum. This time she let me rub her clitoris until she orgasmed. I remained flaccid the whole time.I think I'm too young to have ED, but my family does have a history of hypertension. I think I'm fairly healthy. I exercise 4-5 times a week. I could also just be super nervous and creating a subconscious mental block. Another hypothesis is that porn has desensitized me, as I usually watch porn when I masturbate.Since I met her I've stopped watching porn and keep masturbation to a minimum.Any advice? On how to overcome this problem?
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clitoris, condom, erection, hand-job, my penis, orgasm, porn Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2020): If you can masturbate and maintain an erection normally then it is 100% psychological. So maybe she a sex specialist or just try and work out what's going on for yourself.
If you are having trouble maintaining an erection during masturbation then seek medical advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2020): You don't mention how highly you are attracted to her or not?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2020): It's performance anxiety if jerking off works. You need to relax. Are you maybe doing it with others nearby, parents maybe? Try getting a hotel room, maybe have a couple drinks at the bar (2 tops)-- I remember a nosy cop caught my girlfriend and I doing in my car: I couldn't perform in the car for awhile. I was 18. Another time I was with a girl who way out of league -- she had a Playboy offer, -- I was so excited, she must need glasses, couldn't believe my good luck -- neither could my dick. ~Oh well I'll just giver her oral,~ after about 10 minutes I get rock hard and in I go. I've been calling her wife for 40 years now.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 January 2020):
 Definitely do NOT have sex without a condom. You can get condoms that allow for more feeling, but “no condom, NO sex!”
In terms of the erectile issues, I’d see a doctor about it. I know it can be daunting and possibly embarrassing, but ruling out health issues can help you figure out any mental blocks and work on those.
Nerves are completely normal. Focusing on her arousal may distract you from your penis, since that’s often unnecessary for women’s pleasure. It’s possible you’re (both) taking it too fast. If she backed out of you stimulating her, it’s likely you need a mature conversation about the fact that sex will happen naturally and that foreplay should be the focus until the time arises that you stay erect.
Take sex off the table. Also, hand jobs are the only way you know how to stay erect, so you and your girlfriend should stop that for a while too. Don’t put a a time on it because that just adds to the pressure; i.e “in a month, we’ll try again” increases the anxiety. Too many first timers plan sex and that’s not how it works for most people. You need to be relaxed and you’re not going to be if you keep trying.
Be open with your girlfriend and communicate the following:
- “Thank you for offering, but no sex without condoms EVER because pulling out is NOT effective and we are not ready for pregnancy or a baby” (well done for not agreeing to it, but it was very irresponsible of her to suggest it, even if she’s just trying to please you, and her sex education level concerns me)
- “I’m going to see a doctor just to check things out.”
- “Lets put sex off for a while. We can make out and I can focus on you, but I think the pressure is making us anxious. Maybe we just need to relax and enjoy each other in other ways.”
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2020): [EDIT]: Typo correction
"If you can give-up porn and minimize masturbation for a girlfriend; maybe you will make a quicker mental-transition over to enjoying shared-pleasure with your partner."
Patience with each other is the key!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2020): First you've got to get-over some mental-hurdles. Try to overcome any hangups about sex you may have drilled into your mind. Get the vision of your mother's disgusted frown out of your head; and try to block the visual of that scornful-scowl of your Sunday-School teacher, and her fire-and-brimstone sermons out of your thoughts.
Always use condoms, if you don't want a surprise pregnancy! There are all types of condoms on the market. Some made so thin they're made of an almost undetectable latex. Yet they are strong and dependable. Spare no expense! Be sure it's a proper fit. Not too big, or too small.
If you easily get a full-erection alone while watching porn; it is unlikely you have ED. You wouldn't be able to rise to any occasion, if it was erectile-dysfunction. You'd never achieve a full and lasting erection at all. It's good to talk to your doctor to eliminate any possible undetected medical-conditions. My suspicion is that it's purely psychological! Just first-timer's anxiety!
The first-time with a partner is exciting; and it also causes some uneasiness. You're not used to being naked and so vulnerable with another person. You have a lot going on in your head that distracts you. If you are a person who lives in his head, your thoughts are running a mile a second.
If in the past, you've watched a lot of porn; and you've masturbated on a very frequent basis. That was all done alone, with no worries. Now your mind has to make a transition. Go from fantasy to reality. Let your primal-instincts kick-in.
It's one thing to watch sex performed by somebody else; and a whole different head-game to be the performer. You are getting used to the feel and anatomy of a female; and you are overwhelmed by the spirit of the moment. You need to quiet your mind and rest your nerves. You're too eager to get to the point...slow-down, and ease your way into it.
Nervousness is probably 60% of the problem. Performance-anxiety maybe another 10-20%; and the rest is just overthinking. Sex is instinctive. If you care about your partner, your attraction will spur your desire; and you'll want to touch and please your partner. You are focusing too much on the "mechanics" of sex; and not allowing your feelings for your partner to let nature take its course.
You've never penetrated a woman before; so you can't quite wrap your head around it. You've satisfied yourself simply by stroking yourself; and it was always alone in secret. Here's another person sharing that intimate time and space. No need for shame or embarrassment. You're not hiding in the dark, or doing something shameful. You're making-love. Some guys are ready at puberty; but belated-virgins just need to take a little time to get their heads into it. No pun intended.
At your age, I doubt there is anything serious healthwise; and I think there might be some desensitizing from frequent masturbation. Watching porn and self-manipulation gets a little "habitual." It's just a matter of "reprogramming" your mindset and including a partner. Cuddle, and enjoy foreplay. Full-arousal my only require tenderness with each other. Kiss her and caress her, and concentrate on ways to pleasure her with affection. I think your nerves will settle-down.
If you both feel you should wait; because of strict religious-convictions, or moral-conditioning. Then wait, and just enjoy making-out until your head is right for it.
Give-up the porn and masturbation now that you have a willing-partner. Let some passion build-up over a few weeks. The longer, the better!
If you can give-up porn and minimize masturbation for a girlfriend; maybe you will make a quicker mental-transition over to enjoying shared-please with your partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2020): I believe that when sex therapists are told about this problem they recommend that sexual intercourse is not ALLOWED for a length of time. So that the pressure is taken off you 100%. If you know that you aren't allowed to try penetrative sex, then you will relax. In fact any kind of foreplay where there is pressure on you to get an erection is banned, again for a length of time. Weeks for instance.
Then you and your girlfriend just lie with each other, naked. And remember no sex allowed. Just caressing each other, maybe a massage. And no porn and no masturbation.
See what happens. If you start to enjoy the sensations of massage and being caressed, you may well get an erection, because there is no pressure on you to perform. Still don't have sex for however long you have stipulated. Your confidence in being able to get and maintain an erection will increase and your excitement will too until one day, sex will happen with no pressure.
A trip to the doctor to rule anything else out is also necessary.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 January 2020):
 Go see a doctor. Not maybe, just do it. Even though it is almost 100% probable that your ED is psychological, brought on by fear and anxiety. There are a lot of physical causes of ED a doc will check them all out.
You do need to take the pressure off. How is the rest of the relationship?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 January 2020):
 Firstly, do NOT be tempted to try intercourse without protection unless you are ready to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. If you and your girlfriend want to try intercourse without a condom, she needs to be on effective birth control well before you do it. Pulling out will not guarantee anything, even if you are in sufficient control to do it.
In your shoes I would take the pressure off and take full intercourse off the table for the time being. There are so many things you can do without full intercourse. If your only "experience" of sex is porn, trust me when I say you have A LOT to learn. Few women like the sort of sex which is usually portrayed in mainstream porn. If your girlfriend stopped you fingering her, likelihood is it was because you were being way too rough. She is not a porn star.
Why not take a step back and learn to appreciate each other's bodies? Learn how to massage each other. Learn about where you both like being touched and how. Slowly build up to full intercourse. There's no rush.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 January 2020):
 None of us can diagnose you, OP
My guess is this, YOU have a tight grip on your penis when masturbating, YOU are in control when masturbating. With a partner it's VERY different.
My advice? DO NOT masturbate for 30 days, see what happens.
And maybe go see your doctor?
While eating a healthier diet with less salt, exercising regularly, and taking medications can help lower blood pressure, you still need to be diagnosed and perhaps on medication. It's good that you exercise but that in itself will not stop you from having hypertension.
Are you aroused by her? I will presume that you are since you are dating her. So maybe a combo of taking a break from masturbation and even from sex. LET the "lust" get to build up. Touch each other in non-sexual manners fully clothes and you might get to a point where you just HAVE to go at it...
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