A
female
age
51-59,
*evastated2008
writes:Is it midlife crisis or narcissism? My now ex husband of 19y had an affair with a coworker, refused to end it, divorced me, left me with our 6 children to move out of state and marry his pregnant gf. He financially supports our children, but for the most part pretends we never existed. His new friends likely don't even realize he has another family. It looks like its just her, him, her children and the new baby. When he left he said, "he loved me just not like he should love a wife" during the 8 mos of separation he continued to secretly see me (as though I was the gf and she was the wife). I was desperate to save the relationship and keep my family together. We married young and had never had sex with any one else. He's always been a hardworking ambitious man, honest and I thought trustworthy... when he left he said he wanted to be a better person. Instead he became a totally different person and not what most would call better. I still love the man I married, I don't understand how he could just become someone else. We had an intense romance before we got married and he has ALWAYS professed to love me(until her), never criticized me (until her) or treated me badly(until her). The pain is still overwhelming and it is so hard to see their happiest moments at mine and my children's expense. I read everything about affairs and midlife crisises that I can. Narcissistic personality disorder has came up several times. Based on what I have read the affair/new marriage as a slim chance of lasting. Has anyone out there successfully waited on a midlife crisis/affair and created a loving intimate relationship with their ex?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): Hi Devastated
I think you have got the wrong end of us trying to help you. we were actually supporting you and telling you that you deserves better and that your life is precious. yes you may love him but he is gone and he has made another "home" with his mistress. we realise the hurt and pain you have been experiencing and we just wanted to tell you that you will be ok. when i suggested a new haircut, clothes, perhaps going out with the girls, this was merely trying to tell you that you invested so much in him, now invest in yourself. Yes you have taken a beating with his affair, i am glad you posted again to say that you have been to counselling and have taken control of your life. Please do not think that i was judging you in any way, merely trying to point out that you will survive all this. and i think you have. you have proven that you are strong and that you have continued your life in spite of this upheaval.
good luck and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): I can appreciate you defending the fact that you kept sleeping with him while he was with her as you were still legally the wife and trying to hold onto your marriage...no one here is calling you a cheater, but your husband is and that is the reality of your situation.
You said you both married each other young and you were each other's firsts. He told you he loved you but not like he should love a wife.
You are justifying his behavior as "out of character" for him as he was a Christian man and involved in his 6 kid's life.
The thing is he couldn't be a completely Christian man with an righteous character as he abandonded his family for a honey trap of an affair. He may have out grown your relationship, people do change and not always for the better.
It sounds like you did everything you possibly could have done to save your marriage and he chose to leave it and start a new life with her and the baby.
You have a lot going for you from the sounds of it....and I think it would be a grave mistake for you to wait and see if his new marriage fails so that you can again take him back. Things are over between the two of you and permanently broken. Move on for your sake and your kids.
I am sorry that you were devestated in this way and that this is something you did not want nor do want, but you can't change the reality just be wishing he would wake up.
My uncle who passed away recently, a doctor, had a crass saying that applies here. "Let's see you wish in one hand and sh-t in the other and see which one fills up first."
In other words don't poop all over your life due to wishful thinking, don't wait to change someone else because to do so is to waste your very own love life.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (16 August 2009):
devastated2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I appreciate all the responses. Just want to clarify... when he was secretly seeing me we were still married just separated and I was still hoping to salvage the relationship. And he was definitely torn during that time. I have not been with him since the divorce four months ago.
I no longer see him at all. I don't answer the phone when he calls the kids, I don't email him except for business and I am gone when he picks up the children.
I have been to counselling, I already have a career, I have had my haircut multiple times, and I have bought new clothes and go out with the girls, my life is not on hold. I do not lack for self-confidence or self-esteem. And I know that he was not perfect before.
I am totally confident that he never cheated before (and I am very good at research) and his behavior is totally out of character for who he has been for the 18 years we were together prior to the affair. Before he was the type of man who got upset at sneaking candy into the movies, he was a Christian and involved in his children's lives (although that had been dwindling during the time he was "friends" with her prior to the physical affair).
I should have never asked this question... and I can understand the position you have all taken. Thanks for the input.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): please do not fool yourself, and wait for him to come back. he is not. what he is actually doing is putting your life on hold. he is selfish, and conniving. he still manipulates you because you have allowed him this right in your life. yes, you claim that you still love him, but i have said this in previous posts, love should not destroy. and he has destroyed you and your kids.
show him that you are stronger, have better self esteem and you can SURVIVE without him. he will not chnage his ways. he is used to being superior to you therefore he still uses you as his doormat, throwing crumbs your way just to pacify you?? why do you even allow this man such a priviledge. i think you need to go into counselling, read some self help books, even change your attitude towards him and hey, SLOWLY you would have turned your life around.
it seems as though you are apologising for his affair, when you have done nothing wrong. so he is the father of your kids. that will not change but please realise this - he is not your husband anymore. he doesn't give a damn about you and your welbeing. please you need to stop this mistaken belief that all affairs end in disaster. yes the majority does but why wait around for this man to choose again. after all he abondoned you, he destroyed you and he devalued you. your life is just so preccious, and valuable. you have wasted these months on him, hoping against hope that he will choose you again. let his mistress have him. is he worth it. look at what he has done to your life. look at his humiliation of you. surely this is not love.
how about making a chart/ keeping a journal. document what you want/need to do. slowly start working on yourself. empower yourself and start living again. in time you will heal and please know this, your heart will heal AND you will find happiness agin. this man that you crave is not your present or your future. he is the past, just like you are his past. it is so hard to accept this i know, but if you want to survive him, you need to.
it will not be easy, sad days, happier ones then back a few steps. realise this- it is ok to experience all of this. i think you need to say, today os the first day of the rest of my life.as wives we should NEVER give a man carte blanch over our lives. we should still believe that we are speacial, different even, valuable and beautiful it all starts with you today so please make a decision. the choice is yours - pain , humilitaion, constant heartache and pain OR finding yourself and new found happiness. please invest in yourself. you will be surprised what a new haircut can do, a new outfit, friends, some outings with the girls, dance classes. if you feel you need to lose wight then try, nothing drastic but just invest again in your life.
good luck. please if you need to just get something off your chest post an update. if you have having a hard time coping then contact us again for moral support. you will be amazed at the strenght you can receive from the aunts and uncles here. REMEMEBR, TODAY IS THE START OF THE REST OF YOUR LIVE. please believe it, say it aloud and go live it out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): You know I don't mean to be insulting to you, but are you nuts???
Please get some therapy for your self so that you can work through your desire to keep the man you fell in love with. That man was an illusion and yes he may have narcissitic personality disorder and you may be damaged from this in ways you don't even understand...so what you need to do for yourself and your kids is to get some help for YOU.
You are out of this relationship, so STAY OUT. You are suffering from selective memory, you are polishing him all up and making him all shiney, but the asshole divorced you and left you for the other woman, and then had the balls to use you for sex while married to her. How sick is he? How sick are you? Tell him to send you the check and let him see his kids, and that you hope his wife finds out what a loser he is and decides to superglue his penis to his abdomen some day....(not really, but he deserves some sort of torture for what he has put you both through).
And then start forgetting about him and his new life and start building one for YOU. Start dating again, start a new career, take some classes, do volunteer work, be active in your church, make some new friends, what ever your heart desires, you are now free to pursue your dreams. And after you get some therapy and become healthier, you will attract a much healthier man to you and you will learn not to ever accept such a dysfunctional relationship again.
Good luck, and please stay clear of the cheating rat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): please do not wait for him to get over her. he would not. he choose her and their baby over you and the 6 kids you have had together. your life is not over, you can survive this. anyways why would you even want to be second best. you deserve better and you should go out and discover yourself. waiting for him will never materialise. he is not man enough for you and your kids. he has made his new life with his new wife. sorry, it is not what you want to hear.
please stop tormenting yourslef and move on, because he has.
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