A
female
age
41-50,
*endy2012
writes:I have been married for a year and our marriage has tons of problems. I don’t even know what exactly needs sorting out now. He was emotionally abusive before we got married. I cheated on him before we got married and have a child from the guy I cheated on with. This was only revealed after our marriage when baby was born. He did not want us to break up, but work on marriage he was very heart broken. Then he cheated on me with his best friend's ex, promising her marriage and that he would divorce me. I lost the trust for him and to me, a friends ex is a no go area. The affair is over, and we said we could make it work. He complained that I needed to change my attitude and become more softer and accommodating and I needed to give him a baby as he was desperate for one after he thought what he loved dearly was not his baby. I admit I have created an emotional shield because of the abuse I went through. I agreed to work on that, but just the moment I put my emotional guard down, he starts being abusive again, using bad words and making me feel bad again. I am thinking there has been too much damage in the relationship that it might be impossible to save it, what do you think? I am not sure if having a baby would change things. Aside from that, we love each other very much, but the stress is killing me. Is this what it really mean when we vow ‘for better for worse'? On the other side he has lost 23kgs (13lb) in a space of two months because of stress.
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affair, best friend, cheated on me, divorce, emotionally abusive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): You two should have never gotten married. He was emotionally abusive and you cheated on him before you were married. Leopards don't change their spots, marriage or not, as his continued emotional abuse and subsequent infidelity has proven. Having a baby would only make things worse by bringing an innocent helpless child into an unstable turbulent living situation. One baby is already silently enduring a hellish childhood due to his mother's selfishness and immaturity, don't make an already bad situation even worse by conceiving a child as a way to apologize to a guy you never should have married and should be in the process of divorcing. "Is it possible to salvage a marriage with all these problems?"A marriage that never should have happened is a marriage that can't be salvaged.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (3 September 2012):
 It doesn't sound as if having another baby now would be at all a wise thing to do.
I mean, your husband is emotionally abusive both before and after you married. Men who abuse their girlfriends/wives have issues, and it can be very difficult for them to change, even assuming a man MIGHT want to. It doesn't, quite honestly, sound as if your husband does want to change.
You were wrong to cheat on him if you were in a committed relationship - even though not married at the time - and then HE goes ahead and cheats on you and has the gall to tell the other woman that he'll get a divorce, clearly not meaning a single word of it.
If you do divorce your husband, please, take your time with the next man you meet and think of forming a relationship with! Getting to know someone and build mutual trust and respect takes time, and the last thing you want would be to bring yet another baby into the mix. Not fair to a child!
No, I agree with DoubleM: there are a lot of issues involved and would be very difficult to resolve.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (3 September 2012):
 That sounds like a lot of issues. Would seem to be a lot to resolve.
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