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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Is it possible to not have to play games in a relationship? I am in a long distance relationship. I have been in contact with this guy for just over a year. When we were just friends, things were great. But since we decided to be "in a relationship" about 7 months ago, things went downhill. It was like he suddenly lost interest.I have always been prompt when replying to messages. When he e-mails me, I usually reply that same day. If he texts, I reply as soon as I am able to. But he does not. He used to before, but now he will often go for weeks without replying to my e-mail, and he is slow at responding to texts. Now, I have noticed that with similar questions on this site, most of the advice is to pull back. "Play hard to get." "Don't reply right away - keep him waiting." "Ignore him for a while." "Make him chase after you." Even my friends and family suggest the same thing. The thing is, to me, that is playing games, which I dislike. I prefer clear and honest communication. However, my clear and honest communication is not having any effect. So I tried what has been suggested here. I pulled back, stopped responding right away, kept him waiting... and it works! When I am less available to him, he seems to want me more. Suddenly, he is able to get online. He showers me with text messages and compliments. It's the same if he is worried he might lose me - he suddenly makes more of an effort, works harder. But once he thinks things are fine again, he becomes sort of "lazy" about us, and doesn't seem to be bothered with me.Just to clear something up though, I am not constantly contacting this guy. I have other things in my life, and I am not dependant on him. I just reply promptly to messages because that is the way I am. I don't like to keep people waiting, especially if I care about them.So all of this makes me quite sad. Is that it then? In order to keep your partner keen and interested, do you have to play games? "Treat them mean to keep them keen"? Is it possible to NOT have to play games in a relationship? Or is there something wrong with THIS relationship? I really dislike having to play games, but it seems to work...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi OhGetReal. Thank you for your advice. Yes, I know these long distance relationships are often full of problems, I'm definitely experiencing that. What you said in your last paragraph, I found it really empowering. Thank you. I will copy your answer so I can reflect on it some more when I am struggling with this issue. I feel much stronger after reading your words. :-)
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 I think it depends a lot on how intimate you are with your partner and that has a lot to do with time, time spent together in activities and life and peeling back the layers to reveal the real you a little at a time.
The bad thing is that Long Distance relationships don't provide this opportunity for intimacy, and even though you have strong feelings for this person, it is very easy for him to loose interest because you are not there, and every relationship is successful because of a shared friendship and how it meets each partners needs. Needs are not being met for intimacy.
I am sure I am not going to convince you to stop being involved with this guy, but let me ask you this one question?
Why are you putting your very love life on hold for a man who is not your fiance' and one that cannot commit, goes weeks without contacting you (I really think this means the relationship is over, but it's weird he is keeping you on the string when you pull back) and is a game player and not getting more intimate with you, and authentic and honest and open about his intentions for your relationship.
In other words, it seems to me that you are over invested in this relationship and it would be a wise woman who would keep her focus on herself and go after what it is she wants in life. If you want a happy ever after with a man, then keep your heart open to other men, date other men, and the ONE for you will step up and claim you as his ONE and only. And let me tell you, I don't think men ever commit until they get down on one knee and ask you to live happily ever after with them, and until then, he is just dating you, and that is what you should be doing with him and let him know that if he dates other women, he will lose you, he can take as long as he wants to decide about his commitment, but until then your heart belongs to you and he stands the chance of losing you to a man who will step up. Is that a game? No, that is being true to yourself and letting him know you are the prize and you are not going to go following him around and chasing him in his confusion or indecision.
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