A
female
age
51-59,
*ider1
writes:My husband wants to start having a normal sex life with me, but he won't even french kiss me or start making out with me. His idea of foreplay as he told me would be to do the "69" position. The bottom line is he is willing to do anything sexually with me, as long as it does not involve any kind of "necking" or "making out." That really sucks!!!! My question is this: If he can't even stick his tongue in my mouth, what good is having a "normal" sex life???? The irony is that he will give me cunnilingus, but he won't french kiss me. What the hell kind of sense does this make???? What it boils down to is that he is affectionate, sensitive and caring, but he does not have a romantic bone in his body. He will lay with me in bed for maybe a half-hour, fondling and hugging me, but will make no attempt to try to make-out with me. When I start to kiss him, then he will kiss back, albeit closed-mouth. He seems to feel that the love that we have for each other is enough to keep our marriage together, even though there is hardly any physical intimacy, because of his hang-ups. I don't want to see our almost 6-yr marriage come to an end. The problem is that I have given up sooo much to be with him, to the point that I have been celibate for now 11 yrs (that's how long I have been with him) Would I be unfair and unjust, if I ever decided that this is not the kind of marriage that I want to be in anymore, and left him???
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female
reader, rider1 +, writes (31 August 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Miamine,
I just read your post and I agree with you on a lot of fronts about this. Today I had a very good talk with my husband. I told him that he definitely needs to go talk to a therapist about this problem. He seemed to be maybe just a little more open to the idea. He also seemed very sad because he doesn't want to lose me. He said to me, "honey if you promise to never leave me, or cheat on me, then I will go get help for this problem. Later on he said to me that he will try to fix this problem himself, one more time and if he can't, then he will go get help. To be very honest, I don't think that he is going to do anything to try and fix this problem. The most he might do is cut back on watching pornography, or maybe read a self-help book about porn addiction. The dynamics of our marriage won't change. Right now I am unfortunately unemployed, but once I get a job, and start saving money, then I might just take the bull by the horns and leave my marriage. This will only happen if the dynamics stay the same. He is the one who has to decide if all the drama over losing me, will finally light a fire cracker up his ass, or just like usual sit there just like a bump on a log and do nothing. Knowing him I will bet you that the later will probably happen. Anyways, I can't make these changes for him. He has to be the one to make them himself. Of course I will always be there for him, in friendship and in love. I just feel like he is trying manipulate and black mail me into staying with him. I will show him sooner or later that I will no longer be black mailed or manipulated by his bull-shit!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Not valid if it's not consummated. You two need to have had sex. If there's no sex, then it's very easy for either one of you to get out. Just a little bit of paperwork.
Now don't get me wrong. I am pro-porn and I have no problem with a man looking. But, that man has to take care of his woman first, he has to be able to pleasure and leave her happy before he goes off and looks at fantasy women.
You say he likes S&M, again this is no reason to have a problem with kissing or sex. S&M people can have all types of sex and don't demand that the woman hides her face.
You shouldn't have to beg for sex.. that is so damn cruel, he knows that this is wrong and abnormal, 11 years waiting for your husbands loving.. that my dear is just damn bloody wrong.
Sorry, I'm angry.
All I can hear in your posts in inadequate excuses from a man who has problems and is unwilling to deal with them. He is not acting kindly towards you, he is very selfish. He knows it's not fair to keep you celibate and without sex for so long. A man who loved you would have either went to see a doctor, or would have let you go to find another person to love.
He can masturbate, and he can orgasm, he can look at straight porn, and he can do oral sex... so what the hell is wrong with his penis.
It's no good to say he's trying. He needs to see a doctor, and I'm sorry, but I think you should leave him. Your wasting so much of your life denying yourself full sexual pleasure. He's controlling your sexuality in a very bad way.
Hell you 36-40, can you do this for another 10, 20 years... I really think he is a selfish man to trap you into a sexless marriage like this.
Yes some gay men, or men who don't like sex can stay happily married. But they are truthful about their problems, the explain all to the woman they love, and are willing at anytime to let her take a lover or walk out.
This guy plays with his penis looking at porn, imagining all the things he'd like to do if he didn't have such problems and hangups.
I say leave him and stay friends. You like him, so no need to come out of his life. He's not going to manage to find another woman anyway. But you can have yourself a new man, a lover, someone who wants to sex you day and night. This is a very poor marriage, 11years with no sex or kisses is a lonely way to live.
Sorry again for my language, I'm very angry on your behalf.
PS: Didn't you ever want kids?
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (31 August 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Miamine ,
I just read your feedback. You have hit the nail right on the head. Even though he denies being anything but hetero-sexual,
he still has the internet porno problem that he has not been able to over-come, in the past 11 yrs that we have been together. He maybe has backed off of it a little bit. Anytime I ask him if he watched porno that day, he will either say "do you want an honest answer," which means that he has. If he hasn't, then he will say no. Only he is the one who can change this. So far all he has done to fix this problem is look at it less and read a self-help book on it. He is not oblivious to the ramifications of what this continued behavior could do to our marriage. Every time I even breathe a word about leaving him, he says "no honey don't do that, I love you." I love him also, and I always will. At the same time I feel that I am being less than fair to myself for staying in a marriage that is this dysfunctional. I keep hearing the same two things from him over and over, I will change and become more sexually available to you, and that the time for us to start having sex is when he "gets off of work in the afternoon", that is when he is at his most horniest. I find that to be total bull-shit!!!!!!! Hello, he looks at porn in the morning, and jacks off to it, if he wasn't horny at that time of the day also, why else would he be jerking off to porn. I have seen what he looks at, and it is straight porn. If he was gay, then he would look at gay porn. The kind of porn that he looks at is of a woman or sometimes two women and a man,
going at it. As far as an annulment is concerned, I have my doubts about that, because my moms best friend signed on our marriage license as our witness, that the marriage is valid. What is messed up here is that the marriage is not consummated. I am wondering if by law that really means that the marriage is "not real, or valid."
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (30 August 2010):
Lady you won't need to divorce your husband... actually he is not your husband. The marriage is not consummated and so is not valid. You can go an get an annulment anytime you want.
Have you considered that your husband might be gay.
If it's the pornography usage, then he has the worst case of addiction I have ever heard about, and he needs to see a doctor urgently. He has very big sexual problems if he cannot kiss or make love to a woman normally.
Get an annulment, you two can still be friends. This guy will not change, he doesn't sound like he has the ability to have sex with a woman.
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (30 August 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi new_joe6,I have asked my husband about his past, pertaining to any child molestations, that might have been bestowed upon him. He tells me that he has never had any thing happen to him, of that nature in his child hood. Second of all, he won't go see any kind of therapist to help him sort through his problems with romantic intimacy. All he tells me is that his last girlfriend had very bad breath, due to stomach issues. I in fact due not have that breath problem, that she had. He also tells me that for some reason he has always had a defense against open-mouth kissing. What mystifies me is that he doesn't seem to have any objections about performing cunnilingus. I feel that the very private areas, of the body, that are normally covered up are the dirtiest and most disgusting areas of the body to want to have any kind of oral contact with. Speaking of personal and oral hygiene, my husband is very deficient in those areas. I am much better at keeping myself clean, and taking daily showers, than he is. He knows damn well that I have issues with his hygiene. All I keep hearing is "I will work on it." Granted, there have been times where he has made improvements, but they are usually short-lived. Anyways, he may be a very sweet, sensitive and caring individual, he certainly does not care about his personal belongings or his hygiene.
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (30 August 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Gamine,
Thank you for your supportive feedback and words of wisdom. My marriage is definitely a dysfunctional one. Even though my husband does show me love in other ways, and is very protective of me, he cannot seem to solve his problems of romantic intimacy. He seems to attribute all of this to his addiction to porn, which also brings on these fantasy's of S and M. He tells me that he does not want to subject me to that kind of erotica, because of the love he has for me. I know that this sounds really messed up, but he cannot seem to associate sex with love. That's because he finds sex to be dirty. On the flip side he is willing to start having relations with me, as long as he can stick his penis in my vagina, from behind me, which to me is not appealing at all.
This is because I prefer the missionary position. He also does not want to have anything to do with kissing or making out with me. Whenever we kiss, it is usually a quick closed-mouth peck on the lips. The whole problem here is that he does not want to lose me. He claims to really, really love me. Maybe he just doesn't want to be alone. I feel that if he genuinely and truly loved me then he would not think twice about pleasing me. Do you agree with me on this one??
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (29 August 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Blackhearts,
Thank you for responding back, with an apology. Yes, I do agree that I wasn't clear in my communication when I said that my husband "will do anything else with me sexually," minus the kissing part. I can see how you would think that we are sexually active, and that because my desire for him to kiss me, is not being fulfilled, so there for I pull the plug on the marriage. I certainly would not end my marriage over something like that!!!!! As a matter of fact in the 11 yrs that I have been with him, minus the intimacy, speaks volumes of the kind of woman that I really am. Any other woman that was in my shoes would probably have an affair or just pull the plug on the relationship altogether. Even though I have had thoughts about moving on from the relationship, I haven't acted on them. That's because of the love and loyalty that I have for my husband. I know that in the sexual department, I do deserve better. First I need to make some spiritual, emotional and physical changes with myself, before I decide to move on from the marriage. That's if I ever do decide to divorce the marriage. Whatever happens, I will always love my husband for the kind of person that he is. He has also put up with a lot of my antics, that probably another man would not have put up with. Marriage is very difficult, that's why there are sooo many divorces out there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): Well I'm sorry OP for you getting the wrong end of the stick here, as I wasn't judging you, I was just explaining my opinion on you question.
I was only going by what you said and correct me if I'm wrong but in the description of your question you never said anything about him having 'problems with you sexually', In fact, you said 'he is willing to do anything sexually with me' not that he's rejected you and you haven't had sex in a over a decade. If you did say that however, I can understand where you're coming from and I wouldn't have said what I did. But as you only said he has problems with him french kissing you, I thought that WAS very insensitive for considering a divorce over it. Also, it did sound a little insecure.
But as you've updated me more about what he's like on the subject, I can understand it more.
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (29 August 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Blackhearts,
After reading your feed back, I can certainly see why you think that I am insecure and insensitive. The kissing part being not a big deal and all. Try putting yourself in the shoes of a woman (myself) who has been rejected by her significant other, on other levels, sexually, to the point where she has not had sex for over a decade, and see how you would feel. At least your boyfriend is not rejecting you on a sexual level. Since you don't know me or my situation from a hole in the wall, I don't appreciate you judging me!!!!!!!!
YES, I have spoken to him about this many many times. The situation is what it is. My husband is who he is. He is a very good person, who has numerous emotional problems. I feel that I have been a very good, loyal and loving spouse to him. He has also been there for me, during some very tough times. I am just upset that my almost 6-yr marriage to him has not been consummated, due to his lack of sexual interest that he has in me. Do you now get the picture??????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): Perhaps he's uncomfortable with himself? Some men tend to be funny/uncomfortable when it comes to sex when they haven't had many sexual partners? No matter how long they've been with someone. Some after years and years still refuse to try 'new things' and aren't very open with the subject.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): I guess he just doesn't like doing it, some people don't. Everybody likes different things. Like I say, my boyfriend doesn't but that doesn't mean he don't love me.
Seems you're a little insecure and insensitive even considering not being with him because of such. If he does everything else sexually, you love him and he loves you, then what's the problem? It's only kissing. And as he doesn't like doing it (obviously, as he hasn't after 11 years), then you're just going to have to accept it. If not, then I suggest you find someone else to 'french kiss'.
But like I say also, talk to him. Have you ever spoke to him about it? He might tell you the real reason why he doesn't like it. He may even it just to make you feel better about things/please you. But honestly, it's really not a big deal.
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (28 August 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to blackhearts, yes I have spoken to him about this problem a lot of times. Spending quality time with him is not going to solve this problem. That's because he told me point blank that he "is just not that into kissing." The sexual chemistry between me and my husband is simply not "there." Yes he is very sweet, caring, sensitive and loving as well as far as I know loyal and faithful. I am the same way to him. Those kinds of qualities are very important in any kind of relationship, especially marriage. Its just that he has some very serious deep issues with sexual intimacy, that only he can fix. I have suggested marriage counseling for the both of us, to do together, but he refuses to do that. The wall that was up between us and still is, is his heavy addiction to internet adult pornography. Even though he has cut down on looking at porn, and has read a self-help book about "porn addiction," all in the interest of trying to salvage our marriage, I still have not seen any physical efforts on his part to try to change the sexual dynamics of our marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): Is it possible that he is worried he might have bad breath? I know it sounds ridiculous, but many people (including myself) are very paranoid about their breath. I believe it is called halitophobia. Maybe your husband has an extreme case of this condition. I can't think of any other explanation for his behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): Dear lady,
In my opinion, you should not have worried on this small issue of your private life here ( that he does not give you a french kiss ). And the fact that you even thought to killing your marriage only on this reason....well i do not advise you.
every one has some habits, which you need to respects and adjust. Marriage is all about loving the weakness of other partner.
while i know that "divorce at will" culture has generated more pains than solutions in over all society, but just because of this reason, i would not advise to play havoc on your and your family and then regret for ever. One divorce negatively affects makes the 21 people life as per statistics.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): I was going to say the same thing. Did he french kiss you before your marriage? If so, then why the change? Why's now any different to before?
My boyfriend doesn't like french kissing, but he'll do everything else sexually, so I don't mind. After all, it's only kissing. I don't really see a big problem with kissing. But if it's getting to you, why not talk to your husband? Tell him how you feel, tell him how you like it, etc.
Has he actually said to you he doesn't want to do that? You'll never know if you don't find out the problem. Maybe you should spend more quality time together, it will probably do you good. I'm sure he'll talk to you openly anyway. After all, he is your husband.
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (28 August 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, not really. We french-kissed really only 3 times in the whole 11 years that we have been together. Like I mentioned,
he does not have a romantic bone in his body. He likes to hug and snuggle, grab my breasts and maybe do a little groping, which may include putting my breasts in his mouth. He will do anything, as long as it does not involve kissing or making out. For that I feel very sad and unwanted by my husband. He really is very blocked off sexually. I thought that once we got married that he would change. I guess I was wrong and naive to think like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): Did he french kiss you before you were married?
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