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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi! I was just looking for some advice on the following problem, it's something I've been trying to figure out for a while now.I'm 17, and I have a close male friend who says he's in love with me. Apparently he has felt this way for a few years now, and I'm not sure what to do.Sometimes I have feelings for him, because I have never been so close to a guy before. Yet sometimes... I can't imagine being with him at all. There are so many ups and downs. Part of the problem, I believe (although this sounds bad) is that I'm not physically attracted to him. I was just looking for some opinions on the matter, any thoughts would be appreciated! Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, EverythingWillBeOK  +, writes (20 January 2011):
I absolutely know how you feel. I actually just got out of this situation not a long time ago. What i did was make sure that he is still included in my life and maybe included a lot more. And now, since he knows i dont have feelings for him,he only a friend. If he truly cares about you then he will understand : ) Goodluck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Im 36 and wow got stuck in a situation where the fella is hopelessly hopelessly in love with me but im not in love with him, he fancies me but i dont fancy him.
Well when you get itchy feet you dont feel attracted to that person my advice is be strong and be totally honest... say what you feel that you dont fancy this person but only as a freind.
I had a situation where no matter how many times i told this person no no no freinds only it all fell upon deaf ears.Be very strong right from the start and do what you want and your feelings are.... dont feel guilty or bad about the other party be cruel to be kind now then let it drag on and then end up both crying and so hurt and things.
geraldinex
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2006): I understand the way you feel as I have been in the same situation many times! The main thing is not to let his feelings ruin the friendship, or change your behaviour towards him. This is difficult and I have lost many friends because of this. But often just pulling away a little bit can help to create the space you need to reaffirm the relationship to being platonic again. This is all the more difficult if you have not got a boyfriend. I think the previous advbice given to you was spot on - dont mention other guys, as that is cruel. But I understand that it can be difficult when you are not close to someone else, not go give in. But if you are not sure, or really do not find him attractive, then dont feel obliged to like him. It is flattering to be liked, but often it is not by someone compatible with you.good luck and dont be too hard on yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2005): A friend is someone that admires you. Period. If you're not attracted to a person you can not value their well being (the way they would like you to) but it doesn't mean you don't care for them. Chances are they think you can add to their happiness. You can not however fulfill their needs at the expense of your own; and have to recognize that any person that forces you to do this, although they adore you, is also willing to use you. This dynamic will rear its ugly head later on. They already know how you really feel but ignore it, not maliciously, but with all the selfishness of a wilful romantic who is more in love with the idea of you. They in turn ignore the very clear signals you've been sending off:This is a friendship. You don't have to burst the bubble, just let the air out slowly. (Afterall your feelings could change 4 years from now) The material point is to deal with the present.What to do, nothing spectacular. Let the problem go all together by starting a new chapter of the friendship. If you don't have a boyfriend be extra careful not to rely on this guy to fill-in until you do. Don't discuss your desire for one, or talk about the romantic things people do. Instead keep the conversations community oriented, but lively. Talk about sports (not tennis or any other one on ones), concerts, group ski trips. When you're not talking to him imagine him having a girlfriend who absolutely adores him, and shaking his hand at their wedding. This will give you the energy to resist giving in. Give the relationship a two week breather with a few (3or)light emails in between. Talk about things in general, quality time you are spending in other relationships, with your mom, sister, girlfriends, coaches etc. Don't mention other guys (too cruel). Afterwards begin spending time with your friend in groups especially ones where there is a mix of people. Act on one of the ideas in earlier conversations. Perhaps a group of you play basketbal, or go to a concert. What you're doing is getting the space you need and giving him the opportunity to see that there is more in the world to focus on. This way he stops focusing on the fantasy he's unfairly created out of you. Hope this helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): just my two pennies worth - you cannot date someone out of pity as it will just make the hurt so much greater in the end. You need to be firm but gentle in letting him down, if he's been in love with you for years then it's going to hurt a lot so he might need some time away from you for a bit... but try to assure him it won't affect your friendship ( it doesn't have to afterall!) The bottom line is, don't lead him on if you really don't feel for him the way he feels about you. Good luck xxx
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reader, Belle +, writes (15 November 2005):
Don't do anything!!!
You can have feelings for someone, and love them, but it doesn't mean that you are in love with them, or should be with them!
If your not attracted to him, your not attracted, it could change (personally I never find that!), but there is no point in being with him to find out and end up hurting him!
There is nothing wrong with not being physically attracted to someone, and definetely nothing wrong with not being with someone because you are not physically attracted.
What you can have is a beautiful friendship!!
X
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): To be fair i think you have kind of already answered your own question. You know deep down that your not attracted to him and by saying that you sometimes have feelings for him tells me that your only sort of feeling that way coz you are a good friend and want to make him happy, but convincing yourself to feel that way for someone is never a great start. Make sure that you stay a good friend to him but dont let him get confused between friendship and something more then that. If he truely loves you and appreciates you as a friend he'll push his feelings for you a side and will concerntrate on the fact that he has a great best friend and thats definatley better then nothing.
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