A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for 12 years. We have 2 beautiful children together. Since we got married, our marriage was always been a little tumultuous as my husband tends to be very moody and suffers from anxiety. He has refused professional help. The smallest things can sometimes make him flip and we argue because I respond due to not feeling appreciated. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for his mood swings. I feel choked by our marriage. My social network is partly limited due to his overly selective criteria, and at home he is sometimes difficult to live with. I feel like I am in a situation where I can't live with him under these circumstances (which will never change) and I can't imagine a divorce situation either because that just opens a big can of worms which may complicate things, especially for our children. I know some of you will say that it is unhealthy for children to live with parents who argue, but I am really not ready for divorce but getting a step closer to it each year that passes by as I feel the ropes of this stressful marriage weighing me down more and more with time. I don't know what to do. I love my husband, but my definition of love has changed over the years, and I have changed because I am less able to tolerate feeling stressed out by my marriage. We are polar opposites and it only gets worse with time. He has become more unconventional (not giving a s**t about anything or anyone's opinion, and I have an insatiable appetite to be out there and meet sociable people, but can't do that with a needy husband who criticizes me and everyone else. I don't feel happy but I also don't want to throw away what is not necessarily broken, just somewhat crumbled.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 August 2014):
 If you are NOt ready to leave him, which I totally get. I would still urge you to find a counselor for YOU. In how to deal with this better.
You have given your husband ALL the power in your marriage and he knows it.
If you belong to a church, look into if they have any offers of counseling, if you don't I'd look into it from other avenues.
I would also urge you to stop living life on HIS terms only. Make friends. GET out of the house. Do things with the kids AWAY from him. If he WANTS to argue, don't PLAY along. Instead tell him calmly that you are not interested in an argument or being yelled at and then REMOVE yourself from him.
I agree with WiseOwlE - if he can't/won't change then YOU change.
At some point in time you will realize that staying and being a "martyr-wife" is not doing ANY good for you, your kids OR your husband. When you are ready, you will start "fighting" for YOU.
My BIL and his (now) ex-wife fought like cats and dogs for 20+ years (she left him several times to have affairs) when he finally realized he WOULD be better off without her. And now his grown kids deal with conflict the same way they saw at home, by yelling and threats (like their mom did). So I DO think you need to think of your kids. Kids are smart. And they are like little sponges, they SOAK it all up.
For now though FOCUS on you. Find a counselor, get some tools for YOU. Then figure out what you WANT for you and your kids and GO for it.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 August 2014):
 Not to worry, you'd probably bsidered a bit wacky to not have an exit plan in mind should the whole thing go bad on you. Of course its possible to have feelings for someone that may prove to be intolerable to livewith. It happens all the time. Your situation is a complicated one so no excuses required. As long as you are safe and free of any actions that may be bad for you then all is understandable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): Hello Wise_owl. I am the OP of this question. Your words are very deep and your advice is wise. You really hit the nail on the head when you said I fear my own mother (or parents' opinion or reaction to me making such a decision. It is so hard. I was raised in a traditional family and divorce is unheard of and probably frowned upon. The worst part is that I have always (to the outside world) put up a 'happy front'. I never let any of my family in on how I live on an almost daily basis. They probably know my husband has a bit of a short fuse, but they do not know what words get thrown at me or what is expected of me (to basically not argue back or else it pisses him off more, and that is always my fault). My social life is non-existent as a result of his lack of approval and our own 'Mutual respectful rules', which are mostly defined by him. The worse part is I know he has some kind of mood disorder and he is aware he is 'not all there' and he urges me to be compassionate about that, which I have tried. But when my dignity and sense of self has to pay for that, it really becomes a depressing situation. Add to the mix that I have 2 young children (one who has ADHD and a learning disability, and the other who also has a medical condition). It is not easy! I feel trapped sometimes. I thank you for feeling with me. Perhaps there might be a light at the end of the tunnel one day (whether that be in me resolving this or ending this ordeal by leaving one day). Only time will tell... For now I will probably have to be the 'good mother' who never gives up.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 August 2014):
 Oh yes, without a doubt you can love someone but not want to be with them. I suffered through what you are going through the last 2 years of a 16 year marriage. I had loved my husband so much when we married, but over time I seen him turn into an angry, anti-social, depressed know it all. Topping it all of he became an alcoholic. He refused to get help, thought he knew everything and didn't have a problem. I left when my son turned 16. I just couldn't take it anymore. Its one of the best decisions I ever made. I was losing who I was because of who HE was. I understand that you don't want to leave, but in the end, if he doesn't change, I think you will. You'll leave when the time is right. Seek out counselling, if not for the two of you, at least for you. It might make things clearer. I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): I think the problem is you haven't taken your own position of authority and equality within your marriage.
You are intimidated by his bouts of anger and submissive to his control. His moods set the stage for how an evening is spent and everything is seen from his perspective; or has to be adapted to his tastes, and subject to his approval.
Been there and done that, in a relationship lasting for nearly 30 years. He passed away six years ago, but we got our relationship in working-order long before that. I miss him, and will love him to my own grave. He was a wonderful and good person. He didn't always put-up with me and my crap; but I had a tough time sometimes putting up with his.
In your case; children are involved, so drastic measures impact on more than just yourself. Your husband has untreated anxiety issues that are pressuring you. That is also a form of mental-cruelty. He objects to most of your suggestions, and makes you feel isolated. I guess the children are fairly young; otherwise your post suggests you wouldn't be putting up with this nonsense.
You are being a typical and good mother. Putting the needs of your family before you own. Even if you have to suffer for it. You're getting older and this crap just doesn't settle with you anymore. You're learning, as I did, when sh*t is stacking too high to see over it.
I put my foot down. I made ultimatums, and I stuck to my guns. Scared and intimidated as I was at that time. Try and argue with a lawyer! My partner was an attorney, and a good one. Very arrogant, and had the ego and intellect to back it up. I stood my ground with him. I squared-off; even if I thought he may have the upper-hand. He was a good man, a fair man. He just wasn't used to me saying.....no! He didn't like when I took the opposing opinion. I must always agree to be liked. The hell you say?!!!
Oh, he tried that "my way or the highway" position with me too. Not this guy! I live here, pay half the bills, and I have the means to leave and live on my own. With kids, it's not that simple. So I know you can't just walk-out without a child-custody battle. Also division of assets, and many other legal issues associated with divorce. You're just not ready. It isn't anything to rush into anyway.
You just don't let any man steamroll over you. Even if it may cost an attorney and a divorce to make that point. If he won't get help, then you help yourself. By doing so, you also teach your kids when it is time to remove themselves from a situation that is doing them emotional and psychological harm. You've already taught them how to be committed and loyal. How to make sacrifice for the sake of those you love. Those are good lessons in life. I say you're doing a good job from what you've said. You've given very reasonable explanation why. You're no fool.
You gave him heirs and continuation of his DNA on this planet. You love him, standby him, and you take good care of his home and kids. Don't you dare give-in to being denied friends and pursuing happiness according to your needs. He can't provide everything you need for survival, and you shouldn't place that responsibility in his hands anyway. You share life, he doesn't own you; nor your children.
I don't really think you need advice. I see by your testimony and conviction in your words, you're reaching your own conclusion; and will apply your own resolution. You need a place to vent, and find support. My dear lady, you have mine.
Now in fairness to him. As a man, submission to treatment is admitting he has a weakness. He is also afraid of the stigma of admitting he has a possible mental disorder.
That, and throw in several cups of pride and stubbornness.
He feels his respect comes from his strength. As men, we are taught this from boys. If your mind isn't working in full capacity, you abuse your authority, over-step guidelines of fair-play, and set unfair standards. In short, he's a lousy husband; because he is a certified assh*le and doesn't care. Hellooooo!!!! You care!
It's time to change the script. You have been a loyal wife, good mom, and you don't foresee him in your future. Don't wait too long; because you have to save your strength. You may have to raise teenagers, and that demands a lot of stamina. You'll expend a lot of physical and psychological energy! Ten times that of handling them as little ones!
With, or without his help!
He must be put on notice, and he has to be handed down ultimatums to let him know... enough is enough!!!
Get help or get out! You can always let the kids sleepover at their grandparents or with their friends while you workout parental and marital differences. You both need to open a line of communication and nothing changes without communication. You've been accepting things in avoidance of confrontation. You don't always have to be confrontational,
just assertive. Have resolve, and back it up.
The kids will, and have to, adapt to your decisions. As their mother, will always do what is in their best interest. That should include your own. Never be hesitant to do what you know is right for you. As a man, I will not pretend to know the powerful compulsion of motherhood. I remember my mother, and it was scary the lengths she'd go to for her kids. Men do to, but it isn't the same instinct.
We don't have a womb. Children don't grow in our bodies.
You put everyone's needs ahead of your own. That is always expected of you, by your own conscience, by society; but not to exclude your own mother.
Many women I know fear their mother's harsh criticism to their decisions regarding their families and relationships. They fear her disappointment, interference, and disapproval.
I only suspect that to be part of your reason for hesitating up to now. I stand corrected if my conjecture is inappropriate, with all due respect.
You have a right to set your limits. When a situation doesn't work, or improve the quality of life for you and your kids; clean-house and write your own rules. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Just agreeing with what you already have set in your mind. I can read between the lines.
If he can't change, you have to change.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 August 2014):
 well to answer the title question... yes you can love someone and still think about leaving them and actually still leave.
I love my husband. I wish I didn't. I'd leave in a heartbeat if I didn't love him. I stay because I love him.
With you, your love is wanning. If you have asked for counseling and he won't go, then I suggest you go yourself.
I also suggest you be social without him. I do. I go out on most weekends without my anti-social husband.
What I suggest you tell your husband is this:
"currently I am willing to stay with you although I am not happy. I will stay as long as I can but I'm getting tired of certain things, and once I cannot tolerate them any longer I will have to leave. If you wait to get help until I'm ready to go it will probably be too late to save our marriage."
then you live your life as best you can till you are ready to leave him.
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