A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The man i'm dating although he is caring for me and he shows his feelings he constantly refuses that there will be a serious commitment for us in the future. When we discuss this subject always he refuses a future for us. Is there a possibility to change his mind or i should accept that although he shows affection for me now there can't be a serious commitment between us? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): Quote: "If it's at the "I only want to date around and have casual sex mindset, no marriage for me mindset" on date one then that is where it will be at 2 years later, no matter much they seem to care about you."
While I agree with much of what you said, I believe that the above statement is a very bad generalization. My wife was like that right after she left her first husband and then wanted a committed relationshop 2 or 3 years later. I was that way right after my first wife left me and then wanted a committed realtionship 3 years later. To say that a person will be the same 2 years later as on day 1 is not taking into account how a person changes in the 2 or 3 years after some event in their life.
It also doesn't take a huge life event to make them change. The change comes slowly without a huge life event. It is most likely a life event that made the person not want a committment than it is to make them want the committment. They want the committment when they get over the huge life event. This type of committment is much more lasting than the committment that comes out of something bad, as that type of committment is just a quick reaction to the bad event.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): I totally agree with Eyes and Tisha. He is being honest with you and that is all that you can hope for. If he is treating you well and you enjoy being with him then continue to date him until you find someone who is also nice, but willing to be in a committed realtionship.
I've been there before. I dated a woman who was very nice and we enjoyed being together and had great sex together. She wanted a committed realtionship and broke up with me when a guy who she was also dating wanted a committed realtionship. I also was not ready to be in a committed realtionship with the woman who is now my wife for about 3 years after we started dating, while she was ready but willing to wait. We were all in our mid 30s at the time.
I needed time before I was ready for a committed relationship again, as it had only been 6 months since my wife of 11 years had left me. Has your boyfriend recently broken up with a long time partner? If so, then I think it is best for him to not jump into a committed relationship too early. My wife recognized that, as she took 2 or 3 years after she left her ex to start looking for a committed relationship.
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reader, starismine1  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 How does he show you his feelings? Does he tell you he loves you? Do you have sexual intimacy? Is his not wanting a serious relationship due to his lack of feelings for you or due to a commitment issue? My hunch is that it is a commitment issue. Guys get serious or commit to women based on 2 conditions, the 1st: they feel they love the woman and the 2nd: the timing in their life is right for commitment. So, no matter how much a guy has feelings for you, if condition #2 doesn't exist as well(at least in their mind), they will not commit to you. Nothing will change that, except for very a huge life change, like death of mother or relocation, or an inheritance or finally graduating college, etc. Get the picture? Does he even want to marry or live with a woman one day? If he isn't interested in commitment at all in his life right now, I would stop dating him regardles of how much you think he cares about you, and if he is commitment minded, then it sounds like you just aren't that woman. And no matter how much you think he loves and cares about you, he doesn't care enough to take the relationship to the next level of commitment. If you never asked him about his relationship goals when you first started dating..(and this is advice to any woman out there!) it's always important to find this out on the 1st date, because it will save you much heartache to know up front where a guy's head is at about marriage/children, and living with someone. If they tell you things like "I only want to date casually, or they act like this is their mindset, then that is where their head will be at even 2 years later, no matter much they seem to care about you.
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female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (8 September 2008):
How does he show you his feelings? Does he tell you he loves you? Do you have sexual intimacy? Guys get serious or commit to women based on 2 conditions, the 1st: they feel they love the woman and theh 2nd: the timing in their life is right for commitment. So, no matter how much a guy has feelingns for you, if condition #2 doesn't exist (at least in their mind), they will not commit to you. Nothing will change that, except for very huge life changes, like death of mother or relocation, or an inheritance or finally graduating college, etc. Get the picture? Have you ever asked him whether he ever wants to marry or live with a woman in general? If he has said no, then that was a red flag to rethink dating him, if he said yes, he does want to find that perfect someone to share his life with, and nothing has to change 1st in his life, then unfortunately, no matter how much you think he loves and cares about you, he doesn't love you as muh as you think. And if you never asked him about his relationship goals...a word to anyone woman reading this, always find this out on the 1st date, because it will save you much heartache to know up front where a guy's head is at. If it's at the "I only want to date around and have casual sex mindset, no marriage for me mindset" on date one then that is where it will be at 2 years later, no matter much they seem to care about you.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2008):
 I agree with Eyes here. He is being honest about what kind of relationship he is interested in having. Don't expect to change his mind; in my experience, when a man tells you that he's not looking for commitment, he means it. I know it's tempting to think you'd be able to change his mind, but I would not bet on it. So enjoy the relationship for what it is, and do date other men if you wish.
Take care.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 September 2008):
 Well at least he is honest with you. If you enjoy dating him, then do it. But if you are looking for a committed relationship, I wouldn't date him exclusively, date other men as well, keep all your options open.
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reader, miss know it all  +, writes (8 September 2008):
in this case the man your seeing could have a dark secret meaning he might already be in another relationship and doesent want you to know and could just be stringing you along for the fun of it. If i were you i would dump this man and start living your life without him im sure the right man is just round the corner but don't look for him love can take time and can take longer if you look for it good luck
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