A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend had been arguing a lot until about 2 weeks ago and since then we had been getting on great until yesterday.Yesterday we started arguing again, and he would not let me out his room as he had locked the door and took the key. He was however still in the room with me and I was so scared I was trying to get out but ended up scratching his arm with my nails.He then pushed me on to the bed and tried to restrain me but he was hurting me so I bit him, he then half-punched me in the side of the head so I managed to get free and go home. He phoned and said he was sorry and I said I was as well and I thought that everything would be okay but it wasnt. I went to see him later that day and all the arguing started again and it ended with his mum shouting at both of us for making such a noise.I have seen his arms today and I have apologsed for the way I behaved to him and for the scratches and he said at first it was okay and he has hurt me in the past before - physically punching me etc although it has all pretty much stopped, he is not a bad person and I do not want to lose him so please dont say "get rid of him"I have also spoken to his mum and apologised to her but as she saw the marks on his arms is basically blaming me for attacking him when I have bruises on my arms from our fighting and have before had a bruise on my cheek which she saw but never acknowledged what it was from.I told him what his mum said and he said he didn't think we should see each other any more. He has totally broken my heart, I love him more than anything and I have spent the last 2 hours crying. I dont know how to get him back and I dont have any friends that arent his friends as well so basically I am going to be on my own. he said he still wants to see me every day so nothing will have changed that much but im afraid i wont be able to cope seeing him.Last night, I even watched him be all flirty with this fat girl we met a couple of weeks ago. If he starts a relationship with her or I know he has kissed her etc I will probably kill myself I feel that depressed about things. I guess I am just looking for advice on how to get him back and how to not argue anymore.Thankyou
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had basically lost contact with friends as we had left school and gone our different ways. nothing to do with my boyfriend. My bestfriend, I lost contact with because basically I hated her boyfriend, the way he treated her and the way he treated me, but she couldn't see that and we've not spoken since last year. I have read the "dating a loser" post and where I can see small parts relate to him I can see parts taht relate to myself also such as I'm paranoid and look through his phone etc.
Can I just add though I am his first "proper" girlfriend and I was thinking he just may not know how to act properly? Or it could be something to do with his dad being an alcoholic when he was a child and he was abused by his father until the age of 12/13.
PS This is all I hear out of him basically when he is upset with something and says that has completely changed him but whennI upset him he says that I have changed him and he used to be happy meaning before he met me..
I dont know what to do.. We aren't seeing eachother anymore as in bf and gf but I'm still with him everyday although it is killing me
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): I strongly suggest you read paragraphs 5 and 9 of the link in Tisha's first reply. It sounds to me like you've fallen into these two categories. Then read the rest of it and see if you see any other similarities. I know it's a bit long, but it's a good insight into abusive relationships and situations. And you're in one or the other for sure.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 September 2008):
 Hi, I have reread your post again after your follow up and I wanted to add something. It sounds like you have built your entire life around him, if you've dropped your friends and only have his mates as your friends. This is not healthy nor a balanced life, you know. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I feel you need to consider yourself as your top priority right now. And by that I mean that you need to look after yourself, call on other sources of support for yourself. If you are feeling isolated through his actions and expectations of you, then you might find this organization helpful in starting to build up your own life and self-esteem again.
Womens Aid-The premier resource for domestic violence and sexual abuse against women and children in the UK. Got a massive range of support services from “safe refuges” for those most at risk to just plain old sound advice. Site is awesome but friendly and welcoming.
http://www.womensaid.org.uk
0808 2000 247 (Freephone)
If you are being physically hurt, and emotionally isolated, then you are being abused, I'm sorry to tell you. It might be for the best that you manage to get yourself back on solid ground and finding healthy ways to take care of yourself.
I know that it feels that the rug has been pulled from under your feet and you don't know how to get on with life, so I do think it's in your own best interest to contact this organization. Are you still in contact with your family?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2008):
Did your friends not approve of him or did he encourage you to dump them as friends?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't got any friends thought that aren't his friends, he has knew them all since childhood and I've lost basically all my friends because of wanting to be with him and other reasons.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2008):
Hi, what you've reported is very troubling on many levels. I would suggest that you see your GP and get a referral for some therapy, as you sound as though you might need some support with your mental health. If you are unable to cope with a breakup, you need to get some help, especially if you are discussing self-harm. That is not a good sign at all.
The relationship you are describing sounds like it would have self-destructed or ended with you in hospital; please read this article by Ask_oldersister about the warning signs and have a good long think about how this might apply to your situation.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
Please contact your family for support, if they are able to help you. I think that having a break from him might be in your best interests right now, and once you get your head back to thinking clearly, you can think about the relationship. But for now, you need to take care of yourself. So, contact your GP for a therapist, and find some emotional support from your family or perhaps an old friend who you might turn to now.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): Any man that physically assaults a woman is nothing more than a low-life in my opinion. There's absolutely no excuse for it, no matter what the provocation. How any woman can profess to be madly in love with such a man is totally beyond my comprehension. I cannot understand how a woman, once she's been attacked, can still be in love with her attacker. It just does not make any sense whatsoever to me.
If you want to eventually end up in hospital having broken bones fixed then this is the sort of guy to go for. They always say they're sorry afterwards but it always happens again. If you want to be someone's punchbag you're heading in the right direction.
He's doing you a big favour by not wanting to see you any more if you did but know it. If I were you I'd accept this 'generous offer' of his and forget about him. Find yourself a partner who will respect you and love you. If you love someone you don't go around fighting each other like this.
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