A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:After a pretty nasty break up with my boyfriend, we decided to talk. I want to stay together, but he wants to be just friends for right now. Is it possible to be just friends after a long term serious relationship? How do you just be friends? Im scared of us feeling too distant and finding interest in other people. What should I do to make sure we're still close, and rebuilding our relationship without crossing the line with him? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm about 90% sure he's still very much so in love with me, as I am with him. Which is why its so hard for imagine being 'just friends' right now. He did some bad things in the past, which I don't know if that's whats making him think being friends for now is the best solution. I don't know if he's trying to keep the ball in my court to see what I'll do..or if he still feels bad about what happened and he can't move forward with me.
But I should play up this whole single thing? Make him believe Im doing great without him and even tease him? What else should I do? Do you think he's trying to keep his options open? I don't want to be put on the back burner with my hopes up to have him turn around and say he's got something with another woman..
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): To the post below me, "men do not ask to be friends with recent ex girlfriends to be actual friends without sex or benifits"...
False.
Knowing someone in an exact situation with the male wanting to be friends after a fresh break from the relationship, there was no sex in that relationship at any time, and no benefits to lead to sex...at any time. Yet he still wanted to be friends immediately. So it's not all about sex or benefits, it's about the bond made and not wanting to lose someone that was at one point and possibly still is a very important person in their life.
And the walking out naked and pretending like you don't know what you're doing... come on. Every male can see right through that desperate charade. Don't stoop to low levels to seduce the man into wanting you back on the sole basis of sexual attraction. Those relationships do not last, and if they are lasting it's because of the sex. Cook him meals... don't cook him shit. He's a grown man, he can put a HungryMan dinner in the microwave if he's hungry. Don't put him on a pedestal, especially if he's not returning the feeling. If he's a shy and reserved type, if you just wait for him to make a move... honey you might be waiting forever. Don't play games, and don't revolve your relationship around "well he should do this." If you want him back - set ground rules and follow them strictly. No contact might be best, but then again you might want to put yourself on the scene with him on a day to day basis with talk about what he's up to. It comes down to personal style. How do YOU want to handle things?
Now, what you need to do is focus on why the relationship ended in the first place. What was the cause behind that? Is it fixable and if his plea for friendship just a way to keep you in his life while he sorts himself out? Does he have any idea how you feel? In my personal opinion, I would keep contact alive but at a minimum, enough to get back to the point where the friendship was at it's maximum and it started to transform into the relationship. After making it known once that you still miss him and want him etc... don't mention it anymore unless he reciprocates those feelings in any way. Don't throw yourself at him and beg and plead for his affection, let it play out naturally.
If it's fixable, it'll work out in the long run. If you're afraid of him finding someone else, make that known to him when you bring up your feelings one more time. Tell him how it makes you feel and then back away from that conversation. It is possible that he does find someone else... there's ALWAYS that possibility, but don't think about that part. Think about him and what you feel you need to do to keep things going at a steady pace. Keep in mind that while things are playing out as friends in the relationship... you may very well find someone else. In this situation, there are lots of roads to take, which is why I mentioned setting rules for yourself, so you don't cross any lines and so you don't throw yourself at him.
Basically, to get him to fall for you... focus on what it was that let that happen in the first place. A lot of history has happened since then no doubt, but there's always a focal point of the relationship, there's always a beginning that set the course of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): To the above poster I think its a little niave to think that a guy wants to be friends after a relationship only for sex.. Personally I'm still very good friends with my ex after a 2 and a half year relationship that ended a little roughly.. In your situation I think that possibly he wants to be friends as a way to hold on without comitting to anything. It may be he still has the feelings but is unsure what to do.. You can't make him fall in love with you..nor it's not good to rush back into things..I would not advise throwing yourself at him as that will give him the wrong idea. There is some good ideas above/below tho. Take it easy and remind him why you got together in the first place but do it without making it too obvious.. you can use subtle hints or maybe find a past romantic moment and do something similar.. But don't expect it to happen over night..
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male
reader, cupid_1234 +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Breakups and reunions are common and when you get together again, you 2 will feel you 2 have matured and understand each other better now. But after sometime when you settle down, same issues may come up. I am not saying it will come up but it may come up. I have seen few relationships which have blossomed after breakups and some with the same result or even worse. So before you proceed further, make sure you 2 sit down and discuss properly and completely the issues which caused your breakup. Only when you feel that you have fully resolved those issues, then only proceed further. All the best!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): Well it all depends in the relationship, if you still think there is a chance, give him time to himself and he'll come around, if not, just don't be friends at all because trust me it never works out :\, I'm going through this but I've decided to break off the friendship because it'll make me miss my ex and I can't live my life so the best thing to do is either move on and don't talk to him after a while until you find someone or just try to rebuild without being clingy, it can throw your chances with being with him
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reader, heartbreaker1  +, writes (10 January 2011):
hey there
he probably wants you back in his life for one of many reasons, he could be lonely, horny, too busy to find a sex partner or he probably feels like he need some attention to feed his ego and many more, so if you want him back and you dont wanna cross the line, and you want him to fall for you again you've got to tease him and make him want it but dont give it yet untill you know where you stand, so no sex but you can only tease him and play with him alittle, but no sex or getting naked with him, always look fresh all the time and tempting and change is great like hair color nails and clothes,for example on how to tease him you can take a shower and come out completely naked and walk to your room without even looking at him but make sure he sees you, and then come out and sit with him after you put clothes on. try cooking him some good food if you know how to cook, and try to spend timeee with him not just watching tv or doing the usual, you gotta make him take you out and do stuff and make it fun and keep it fun dont talk or mention anything about getting back together just wait for him to start making moves on you if he doesn't wanna get back with you and he only wants to have sex then he's looking for a sex buddy to sleep with him without any effort cuz believe me men do not ask to be friends with recent ex girlfriends to be actual friends without sex or benifits..good luck
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