A
female
age
,
*eckula712
writes:I have been married for a year. My husband hasn't slept with me most of that time. We have sex then he gets out of bed and sleeps on the coach. He never comes to bed till it's almost time for me to get up. This just isn't a normal marriage. A married couple should be sleeping togething,hugging holding each other cuddling.I can't even touch my husband. Is there a possiblilty he is gay? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (5 December 2009):
 It sounds to me like he's afraid of intimacy. He'll give you the sex, etc and perhaps he feels like that's all he's obligated to give.
In a marriage, it's the intimacy, the holding, the cuddling and the talking that bond the two of you, not sex. To me, he isn't gay. He is dispondent to the marriage and emotionally unavailable. A much worse scenario than being gay.
The only thing you can do is try to get him talking about this. If he is secretive and avoiding a conversation then he is avoiding a relationship with you. Is he still in love with a previous love?
If it were me, I might give him a week to think about what he wants in this relationship and tell him you want to talk about things in a week. That will give hime some time to think about it and when you do talk he should be prepared and ready. If he still doesn't want to talk then it's your turn to tell him what you want. If he is unable to participate in the kind of relationship you need then it's time to end it. I say this because it doesn't sound like this relationship is working for you.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Secretive and defensive, hm. Either he's hiding something or he's deeply embarassed by something. I cannot tell you if he is gay by your post, but you clearly notice something's wrong or different with the way things feel. I'd say intuition is our way of pointing up something we've overlooked.
He does have sex with you but then leaves the bed? That sort of sounds like the opposite of what you might expect if he were gay. There, perhaps cuddling, but no sex. I just don't know.
I have two links for you that assume that he is gay and that you're the spouse needing some information:
http://www.straightspouse.org
http://www.voy.com/86426/
Do you think you could manage to try to discuss it, with you staying very calm and loving and positive? Even if you don't like the answers you are getting? He may know that he's upsetting you and is avoiding the entire issue because there is something he doesn't want to tell you. So your task is to give him a safe space to be able to tell you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Well, you can try different approaches to get him to confide in you but you can't force him to talk. The others have given you a few good start points. Unfortunately, if prior to marriage you didn't communicate well, marriage won't magically get you to open up with each other. We empathise with your problem but there is only so much we can do. I don't think it's clear to you why you married each other. Maybe at this age he married more for companionship than love? Or he is very set in his ways and this is what he is used to. We can only take guesses, as you see. What is more important is how to approach him to hope to have the issue surfaced. You haven't told us in what way you breached the subject with him. Try asking him to help you understand each other, in a way that is not aggresive, but vulnerable and that shows him he is needed... in whatever way you need him, and also to know how each of you sees a life in common and if you can become closer, especially a closeness of minds and the sharing of more intimate thoughts would be a huge step, I don't know if that is possible, it does require time. Hard to do all of this though when there is no true basis of friendship, so see if you can work around that principally. Tell us how this works. Should have been done a year ago and before marriage, but it is never too late to try and better your communication skills and discover why and who you married in the first place and befriend him. I hope you can work this out in the long run. Tell him also of your needs and that you are patient and not going to push him if he has another vision about love and relationships, but that you wish to know more about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): you aren't reading my question. I said we do have sex then he gets out of bed and goes to coach.
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A
female
reader, beckula712 +, writes (30 November 2009):
beckula712 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't received any helpfu information. I can't find where to go to find out any answers
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A
female
reader, beckula712 +, writes (30 November 2009):
beckula712 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthere is no update.I believe we are not working anything out,because he gets way to defensive when I mention anythin. He is very secretive all the time
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A
male
reader, Kenneth +, writes (30 November 2009):
He is probably bored with sex for his age. Watch some porn together. That may help!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Have you been having sexual relations? If not, he could be impotent, among some other possibilities.
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