A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible for someone to be so self-centered and selfish that he doesn't even realize he's in the wrong?Here are a few examples :1. I believe in bringing the kids to travel internationally to visit different countries and cultures to 'see this world'. I honestly believe sometimes it's more beneficial than classroom education. He thinks they are only kids and should just stay home - ALL. THE. TIME. even during the summer time. Because when he was young, he stayed home all the time and doesn't understand the benefits of seeing the world. He also doesn't believe I should spend money on swimming lessons, vocal lessons, piano lessons, etc. (also because he never had that when he was young)2. He called me today while he was driving home, I heard his car's seat belt noise (beep beep beep reminding him to put on his seat belt), and I heard road/wind noise.. but I didn't mention it because I understand he was driving. Him in return, yelled at me saying he couldn't hear me because of my background noise... but I was home, house was quiet. He couldn't hear me because of HIS background noise, but he just failed to realized that, instead got upset at ME for causing him not to be able to hear me!I find it so upsetting that he seem so self centered but doesn't admit that he is self centered! He always thinks it's someone else's problem, never his. If someone can't meet the schedule that HE changed, it's not his fault but the other person's fault for making it difficult. It's OK for him to spend money on himself to buy brand name clothing but kids don't deserve anything in life until they are adults and earn a living on their own. Is it really possible that someone can be so one minded? He really doesn't think there is anything wrong with him!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2018): Dear Anonymous Female Reader,Your response made me laugh. Do you think I'm robbing banks to afford travel and lessons for my children? LOL.. Of course I can afford it! Also, I am using my own income, in case you are wondering!There is much more depth to our travels than just taking a selfie in front of the eiffle tower! LOL We educate and immerse ourselves in the country, culture, food, and language! Our recent trip was to Egypt and Isreal to follow in the footsteps of Christ, my children not only read of these places in the Bible, they saw it with their own eyes. We also boarded a cruise in Barcelona that took us to Greece because my son has been reading a lot anout Greek Mythology, Gods, and Goddesses. Reading and watching it on TV is great, but nothing compares to seeing those places in person.Same goes for lessons. So are you saying that we don't need to go to school to be educated? We can youtube or read lesson books to homeschool ourselve from Kindergarten through University? Of course not, that's what teachers are for! Not everything can be self taught.Good luck to YOU!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): I think, quite frankly, your post shows YOUR prejudice and your inability to compromise more than anything. I am saying this because I hope you will consider more sides than just yours. First of all, you say 'how is it possible for your husband to be WRONG and not realize it', and then you give an immensely subjective topic. If you are so open-minded and cosmopolitan from all your travels, how can you say someone is WRONG if they happen to hold a different view than yours? Doesn't that just show that you are the one reasoning in black and white? Perhaps those childhood travels didn't broaden your perspective so much after all....Look, I am not entirely unsympathetic about your desire to travel. But I do believe that you are trying to turn it into a moral wrong not to travel, when in reality sure it is a nice, enriching experience- but it won't be what makes or breaks your children's characters, or what teaches them how to enjoy the everyday, simple things in life. Exploring nature around your home, getting to know local communities, volunteering, getting to know different cultures in the area you are in at present, reading with your children, watching documentaries, getting outside in all seasons, teaching kindness, giving etc. THESE are the things that teach children the real skills they need and a wonderfully happy childhood. Those are skills they can later use to enjoy travelling when they are adults if they so choose. By the way, I never traveled at all as a child or teen. My parents were well-off but preferred to be out in nature at home and taking care of our pets. I do not count myself at a disadvantage at all. I got a great education, I have a great job, and my parents were really open-minded people. I traveled a little bit as an adult which was a wonderful experience, yet I do believe that I was already very open about different cultures, art, religions, etc. long before travelling. I can't agree with honeypie more that it is all about EXPERIENCES which can be had at home as much as abroad. Just because a child sees the Eiffel Tower doesn't mean he/she is suddenly more accepting, academic, etc. In fact, being a tourist is often ridiculed, as many who travel don't understand the first thing about another area or people. For one thing, staying at home will reduce the carbon footprint immensely! Why not donate the money you save in travel to an orphanage abroad or to a good cause of your choosing. Next topic: lessons. Again, sure these are nice to have, but if you don't have the finances then there are other very fulfilling things for children to do other than piano lessons which most children just give up on anyway after a time. You can sing and dance with them around your living room, take FREE classes on youtube, take up guitar (youtube), etc. You can teach kids to swim yourself. You don't need to have a lot of money to do these things. Finally, you devote a whole paragraph to something so trivial as whose cellphone reception was worse. I think it is you who are having some issues right now about the whole relationship, because most people would be able to let a little thing like that go. 100s of little annoyances happen in a week. I think maybe you need to address some underlying anger issues at your partner with a counselor. I do wish you all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2018): Is this gentleman your husband, and do you have children?
The tone of the post is almost hypothetical; and only two examples can be somewhat inconclusive-evidence.
If he is your husband, did such things happen to come-up in conversation before marriage? Is all this the topic of conversation; because marriage is being considered?
Before tying the knot or birthing kids; it is most important during courtship, that you know his views, opinions, money-management skills, and child-rearing methods. All before sealing the deal, and agreeing to a serious-commitment. Not knowing what his views and values are beforehand; is signing a contract without reading it first. Then you end-up with this obstinate overbearing assh*le who won't bend or work with you on anything. Taking the opposite-position every-time. Trying prove he wears the pants. This ain't the 50's!
A proper match is based on temperament, range of views, open-mindedness/flexibility, and the ability to compromise.
Sharing a few common-interests or hobbies; and good-chat or great-sex won't cut it. You'll suddenly wake-up, and realize you can't just point to the door and scream GET-OUT! He has say in the decisions you make; and your kids are also his kids. Unfortunately, after-thought can be pretty costly three kids, a car, a mortgage, credit card balances, and a dog/cat later. He's now all yours! For better or for worse!
Always attempt to compromise and make peace; especially in-front of children. You're role-models, like it or not. If you can't ever agree on anything; and you see it this-way and he sees it that-way. Your household will be constantly dysfunctional; and your kids will always be confused. Who's right, mom or dad? Then you're forcing them to choose sides! That's not fair? Who's the bad-guy? It can't always be dad!
When he's being bullheaded; stand your ground, until he agrees to meet you halfway. If not, go online and look for a good divorce attorney. At reasonable cost, of course.
You will never see eye to eye on everything. You have to recognize incompatibility before you exchange vows; or you will be locked-in with a total adversary...not a spouse!
He's not only self-centered he's resentful. He apparently came from a working middle-class to poor family, and grew-up to resent wealth and privilege. Whatever he didn't have, or his family couldn't afford; he doesn't believe he should spoil his own kids rotten by giving it to them. He's an extremist. He is also resentful of poverty; but hides behind frugality. Bull to all that! He makes no sense!
Like you, I would want my kids to have exposure, learn by experience, and see a whole world; not only what they can see within four walls. I guess your man I would clash on a lot of things; and I see your point. However, not entirely!
Your partner has a built-in inferiority-complex. He sees life through a limited or confined point-of-view. He does have a point about not spoiling children; until they become obnoxious, snobbish, or entitled. Especially for things beyond your financial-means. The best sneaks, the best bikes, the best the best the best! There, he's right! He can buy whatever he likes with the money he has earned. Same as you can. Being dad, he does get to decide where his money goes. He also contributes to the family-traditions, life-style, and the standards he wants to instill in his children. There is nothing wrong with frugality, or being humble.
My family was very well-off financially; but my family history came from very simple or humble means. Working hard, getting an education, and building themselves towards the American dream. They struggled, and found success. I wore hand-me-downs, played with toys previously-owned by older-brothers, and I earned money for doing special chores. I got almost everything or anything I wanted; because my parents could afford it. They wanted us to have what they didn't; but with an understanding that it comes from their love and generosity. God's blessings. I wasn't born to deserve it! We were taught to be humble, not to be materialistic or greedy.
I traveled out of the country on my own as an adult; also while serving in the military. My older brothers and sister were spoiled; and given those privileges as gifts.
We didn't get everything we wanted just for the asking. It was earned through good grades, good behavior, getting along with each other, being respectful, and for obedience. Even then; if they thought we had as much as they considered reasonably enough/too much, the answer was simply NO! There will be no pouting, tantrums, or sour-faces. Then things just might be taken-away. I think our upbringing paid-off well; and the next-generation is doing fine. They do get lots more fancy stuff! They were born in a different century. No one is struggling.
So sometimes you have to combine your own values with his, and compromise. You don't want to raise a bunch of snooty entitled little brats; who will grow-up and wait for you to die, just to take whatever you saved and earned like they have a right to it. They should know how to earn what they want, be denied some things, and be taught how to live within their means. See hard-work as an honorable means to reach their goals. Travel is just as good when you're all grown-up! You understand your surroundings a lot more! History means much more! A child's appreciation for travel is limited to their comfort and understanding.
His haughtiness and bullheaded-attitude is based on his upbringing; and you should take heed to the fact most people like him do not change. As he gets older, he will get even worse. So modify his behavior. Ask him to explain where he's coming from, and give you an full understanding. You will stay open-minded; as long as he makes sense. Sometimes you will have to overrule his decisions; and do what you know is best.
He has to be shown you are his equal, not his opposition; or one of your children. If you say "up;" he doesn't always have to say "down." I think he's being contrary, and using stubborn-testosterone as his only backup. Not reason!
If you can never meet on common-grown or in the middle. He needs to be offered his walking-papers. Relationships can't be run by one individual, it takes at least two! His way or the highway, also goes both-ways. He could be hitting that same highway!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2018):
 I absolutely agree with Cindy (on everything).
While I get hat it's NOT uncommon to find out that you and your partner don't agree on 100% of things... What it really comes down to is the ability to compromise.
I traveled a lot with my parents growing up and have many fond memories from that time, but you know what? It wasn't the cultural experiences that lingered. It was the food, the people, the little things my parents did to show us what else is out there. For instance we went to Crete twice, I know we went to Knossos (because I have seen the pictures) but you know what I remember? A nice beach that had a freshwater stream run into the ocean, the water was so nice and cold. I remember a cemetery, I remember the lemonades and the food. NOT the cultural stuff... as I was 8 and 10 when we went. I remember being in London at 6. But all I really remember are the pidgins and Harrods... Not exactly a great "cultural experience"... I could go on an on here.
While I do think kids having lessons and seeing the World is a good thing, IF YOU CAN afford it. I think you maybe.. have a little to high expectations of kids and what they take from life. Kids are simple. They are not sophisticated. That doesn't mean you can't introduce them to new things, sights and sounds. BUT... if YOU want to travel and bring your kids to share experiences, all fine and good but it's not REQUIRED for a kid to grow up "cosmopolitan" THAT my dear, OP is up to you.
I think he was always like this but you ignored it until now that it doesn't suit you any more.
As for him spending money on brand clothes, so what? If he can afford it and STILL contributes to the family?! Kids don't NEED brand name clothes. Or the latest IPhone. And they can experience great things right in the "back yard" you just have to find things to introduce them too.
YOU decided to have kids with this man. So you must have known how he felt about things.
Bow you have to decide if he is the role-model for your kids or not. And them make it work or move on.
You can't change someone like your partner. He is who he is.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 August 2018):
 Well, it figures. Self centered people feel that they are the center of the universe and what really counts is only what's right for THEM, they don't have the patience or interest to compare notes and debate with those who live on the outskirts of their universe .
I must say that ,the way you describe your partner you make him sound so intolerably pig-headed that one can't help wonder how you can handle it, and, most of all, WHY you'd want to handle it.
But I want to warn you to make sure that you do not follow his bad exanple, and do not affirm what is a personal opinion, reasonable as you want, but still a personal opinion, as a self-evident , etched- in-granite, universal truth .
The travel thing , for instance. There's something in what he says, or at least it is a possible,legitimate way to see things. Of course it's good if you can travel with your family, because it's FUN. But to consider it a must, I don't know. My son grew up in the USA and before turning 12 had already been , not only in Italy at least once a year, but also to Mexico, Canada, Santo Domingo, Costa Rica, Peru, Spain, Switzerland , UK, and Holland. Now he has very vague recollections of everything ( but Italy, obviously ) and of which was which and where was were , because he was so young and everywhere he went his main or only interest and concern was finding other kids to play ball in the park or on the beach, managing somehow to watch his favourite TV cartoons or the local equivalent, and disassembling his PowerZords.
Now, my son IS a rather cosmopolitan individual in the sense that he speaks 3 languages , has no hang-ups about any race, nationality or religion, likes different types of music and different types of cuisines…. but that's because he grew up in New York !, and because of his own personality- not because he tagged along his parents at an age where he did not particularly care about seeing the world nor understood a lot about it.
Conclusion : investing in taking your kids abroad is nice, if the parents can comfortably afford it , as luckily I could at the time; but it's not an absolute must for which parents have to strive and cut corners and deprive themselves. After all, if the kids will want to see the world they can do it later on , as adults- and on their own dime . At least, that 's a different way to see things from how you see them - but surely is not absurd or irrational, it's just - different.
Ditto for spoiling your kids with material things which are not quite necessary. For some parents, ( including myself, I admit ) it's a pleasure and a joy, for some others, a stupid , wasteful, even damaging extravagance . Take Sting, for instance. The guy is loaded !- and yet he already warned his kids that when he dies they will inherit diddly squat, he is leaving everything to charities. Not because he wants to punish them for something. Because, he says, I did it on my own ,by myself , and you kids can do the same , considering anyway that you already are starting from a level of comfort and opportunities that at your age I could only dream about.
Personally, I strongly disagree with Sting , yet, his is a legitimate position. Often there's no "right " or
" wrong "; just different ways to see life.
Therefore, once again, if you do decide to stick around your selfish , pig-headed boyfriend, … at least do not become like him ! and do not think that whatever you feel about something is the one and only correct way to feel about it .
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 August 2018):
 The simplest answer, is that yes, someone can be so oblivious and self-interested that they don’t understand when they’re wrong. However, a large issue here is that he feels his childhood was fine and wants it for his children. He doesn’t see the benefit of a lot of things that you do because he feels that he had an okay childhood without it. I do feel travelling can be educational, but one thing I will never forego with my own children is swimming lessons because it is a very important life skill - with that particular decision, put it to him that it is a life skill, not just a hobby.As for your second point, it’s just immature of him and there responsible. You have to wonder if he doesn’t drive carefully when he has the children in the car. I have to wonder why you’re with him and chose to have kids with him, as it doesn’t seem like you have very similar ideas about things you both want for your own lives and your children’s lives. You haven’t said anything about loving him or being compatible in any way, shape or form.Genuinely, OP, he didn’t just become this way - he’s always been like this. Why did you have children with someone who clearly doesn’t want them to live life or experience anything on his dime?
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