A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,My husband has been lying to me for the past few months, all lies have involved his coworker. He has lied to me about calling her, dropping her off at home, going to hang out with her at her house, buying her gifts, including an expensive one. He promised me that he would keep his distance and keep it professional, but I found out that he still talks to her on a regular basis. They walk to lunch, they instant message at work, and he recently went to her house again to help her with a personal project, which I had no idea about. I only found out because he totaled my car leaving her place and when filing my insurance claim, I got the location of where the accident took place since they had to contact tow company. Everytime I asked him where the accident occurred, he stated he didn’t really remember and just gave me an exit off a freeway which was a complete lie. He says he has zero feelings and is not attracted to her. And he only lied to spare my feelings since I have been dealing with depression. He also said he feels there is a communication barrier and doesn’t want to tell me anything to avoid an arguement. I really don’t feel comfortable with him still speaking to this woman. Although he states they are just friends, is it bad of me to ask him to stop talking to her completely? I know that sounds controlling, but there have been so many lies and so much secrecy going on involving this person. Plus he works with her so sees her everyday, so I don’t even know how to really move forward after all this? Thank you,
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 August 2018):
 My question is this, WHY would he listen to you now?
You know he lies about this, you have caught him many times and HE knows you know too. YET, you stay with him and he keep doing whatever he wants.
It's not like your words is going to make him see that his behavior is not OK.
You might have to consider WHERE you want to go from here.
I also wouldn't be surprised if he is having an affair here. All the signs are there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2018): [EDIT]:
"Once a person resorts to cheating, they are convinced their feelings and urges are too important to deny themselves."
Post script:
You have to move this past the point of suspicion and making accusations; only for him to deny it, and brush you off. If he hasn't already had sex with her, going to her house is giving him more opportunity to do just that! It could be innocent, which I doubt; but this is how affairs begin. With lies!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2018): From your description of events; I guess you could only think he's having an affair with the woman. Once he starts lying, he has destroyed your trust; and he no longer has any credibility.
This is how you might be able to either bring this matter to light, or expose the truth.
Tell him flat-out you believe he is having an affair with the woman! No maybe, ifs, ands, or buts!
Call him out to his face, that you've caught him in lies; and nothing seems to prove otherwise.
I want you to read this carefully. This is most effectively done when you are calm, level-headed, and have your emotions under control. Yelling, screaming, snot, and tears? NO!!! Putting on a dramatic soap opera performance to shame Meryl Streep, is what women often do. It's wasted-time, and ridiculous. It only gives him justification to exit the stage.
A dramatic-performance or tantrum is of no use. It gives him an excuse to close the discussion, and treat you like a fool. Just be a dignified adult, and state your case like a lawyer before a jury. This is what you believe, and this is what will be done about it.
Insist on going to marriage-counseling. If there are problems in the marriage you're unable to fix or talk about; they will either rise to the surface, or he will offer you a true-confession. In any case, you have to address this directly; and get past the accusations. Burying yourself in denial isn't going to change anything! Meanwhile, the bullsh*t continues. You snooping about, and him dipping and dabbling in some other woman's privates!
Telling him to stop is a slap on the wrist. He's not 3! How the hell is that going to resolve anything? When he sees her daily at work, and has gone as far as going to her house!!! You have to offer him the ultimatum of divorce; because from this point, you don't trust him anymore. His credibility is shot. He even totaled your car! My poor dear!
I'm not offering any guarantee that marital-counseling is going to save your marriage. That depends on how much you can trust him, and how eager he is to work with you to save your marriage. The counseling will definitely open a channel of communication; and help you to closely exam the faults and weaknesses in your marriage. If nothing else, give you closure. I truly believe it will help you to determine whether there is anything salvageable enough to maintain the marriage, or just let him go. Divorce is a last resort. He has to regain your trust.
He'll write you off as crazy and keep it up; if you don't take drastic-action. If he dismisses you, you are powerless.
If he turns to other women, he is no longer trustworthy and he's only hanging onto the marriage to avoid legal fees and splitting it all down the middle. He still doesn't want to lose the good woman he has into the arms of someone even better than he is. That's an ego-killer! You moving on and doing better is not part of the deal! He'd rather have his cake and eating it too!
One a person resorts to cheating, they are convinced their feelings and urges are too important to deny themselves. That means they don't value you or your trust as much as they care about getting what they want. If it means being secretive, and lying their asses off! The end justifies the means!
There is nothing left to do but to face this courageously; and not give him any benefit of the doubt. Once lying occurs, it will only continue; and it will do a great deal of emotional-damage. You won't believe anything he says anyway!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2018): Your husband is having an affair with this woman. He's cheating on you with her. And the reason your husband keeps lying to you is because YOU LET HIM and there are no consequences. He's having the best of both worlds. You cannot control his actions (which you already know). You can only control your own actions--to accept it or to leave him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 August 2018):
 Honestly you could try telling him to stay away from her but I doubt he would listen to you. He is already lying to you, so that shows he has no respect for you, and on top off that he uses your depression as an excuse, that is disgusting, what a selfish man you have!
Look I cant say if he is having an affair or not, but it is clear he is capable off lying to you, so I would be shocked if he is not having an affair. Either sexually or emotionally.
You deserve better than this, you really do!
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 August 2018):
 I’d be surprised if he’s not sleeping with her. I doubt there’s anything that you can say or do that would pull him away from this woman, the marriage is probably over for him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 August 2018):
 More than controlling, I am afraid it would be ineffective.
Your husband is such an inveterate liar !, you caught him already so many times, and by now you should know that he'll say anything and promise anything, just to keep you quiet and off his back for a while- and then he'll carry on as he pleases anyway.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 August 2018):
 Sound like he's having an affair, sexual who knows, but emotional for sure. Your husband is a liar full stop. Using your depression as the reason to cover his sorry arse is just deplorable. His and her behaviour is just making a fool out of you. How do you move forward, without him
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