A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling really conflicted and I would love some advice. I am wondering if it's possible for my relationship with a man who is almost twice my age to actually be real or not.I've known of him for a few years, but Ive really gotten to know him well in the past year. I've really come to understand the way he functions because I've seen him nearly daily for a year. We always have great conversations about all kinds of things.I know a lot about him, and I know his "colorful and shady" past. He's done things he isn't proud of, I'm not going into to too many details here but basically there's been strings of one night stands, and he's gotten hurt a lot of times, but has done some really crappy things too. I get that he's trying to change, I've mostly been providing moral encouragement and support. There are a lot of things about himself that he is working on, I'm usually there to help if he needs it and I have the ability to. He doesn't lie to me, he's always very upfront whether it be with his wrongdoings or otherwise.I'm always the same way.If anything I will always consider him a friend. He's really helped me out with all my problems for the past while, he helped me pull myself together during some really tough times I was having this past year and has become a great support. I really care for him as a person, he's been very kind. I understand that maybe there are some alterior motives underfoot, and perhaps I just haven't seen them yet.... Though I just want to know if it could ever be real, if he does care about me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): Hello everyone, OP here.
A thanks to everyone who's answered to my query, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. There are a few things that I would like to clarify, because perhaps they might shed some light or whatever.
The reason shady and colorful are in quotation marks. Though there is idiocy at rebounding from the long-term girlfriend who cheated, was forgiven, then up and left across the country and got married to this other guy, by having a string of drunken one-night stands. I can, in a way, get those feelings, I've done something really similar, except it wasnt a string of one night stands it involved a thing with a friend. It was one of the most stupid things I ever did, but that was years past.
The thing he is working on the most is his addiction. For two years he was fighting, he's now clean and has been for more than three months. I feel so happy. Before that he had been clean off alcohol and smokes for about a month and a half, he didn't think when someone he works with offered him a cig and he took it. He smoked it, realized what he just did and came to confess. As for drinking, clean off for five months.
I have some...emotional problems, mostly dealing with my family and previously volatile living situation. Turned out he had experienced similar things and helped get me some help and find hope.
The other thing is that as for his friends, he has them, he talks to them, but sometimes a little bit of different perspective is always useful.
One of the main things I've talked to him about is life, depression, and the fact that he won't live forever and in fact may not live to see 60 or 70 because he is sick. So am I, but because of a different reason.
Lastly for Cerberus's comment that my gut is telling me I'm not sure, it is sure, I care about him deeply, it's just that I don't feel as if he could reciprocate, even though sometimes I think he does, for the mind sees what it wishes to see. I also don't believe myself really pretty or sexy, I'm overweight, crazy tall, and more like one of the guys, but I'm at least comfortable in my own skin and can enough to say I may not be something special, but I love myself in every way because I deserve it, and no one can make me feel bad about who I am unless I let them.
Anyways, this was just to clarify a few things as to the how's, why's, and what we even talk about. By the way, I know that he doesn't lie because I've had multiple conversations with other people who know him and one once remarked 'Oh he's changed a lot in the past year, he's so different than he was two years ago. Who knows maybe you're good for him'
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Sorry Cerberus I wasnt very clear - I didnt mean physically attractive (of course 99.9% of men find young, fit girls attractive!) but it is not normal to be attracted to their personality, because if they are attracted to teenagers that to me reflects on the level of maturity of the man and that to me is worrying. A grown man of 36-42 shouldnt mentally be on the same page as a 18-21 year old, so that would be what worries men. Not physical attractiveness, just 'emotional' attractiveness I guess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): in short..just get someone your age and have him as your bf..dating some1 older does not alwys work out.but thats my opinion
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): Sorry but I have to completely disagree with K_c100's first paragraph. Most "normal" adult men find teenage girls and women your age attractive. Most don't think they'd make suitable partners of course but you'll find very few men who don't like the look of a hard bodied 18 year old girl.
I'm nearly his age and still do, and I don't know any guy who looks at women your age and can't find them attractive.
I found a good quote on wiki article about ephebophilia. "Because mid-to-late adolescents usually have physical characteristics near (or in some cases, identical) to that of full-grown adults, most men can find persons in this age group sexually attractive."
It's just common sense really.
Now given the fact you and he also have a close platonic bond the idea that it wouldn't be okay to date you or want to be with you romantically may well be lessened in his mind due to the fact you get on so well. It's very possible he has romantic motives and there is nothing unusual about that at all. It's actually more unusual for men and women to be such close friends without some form of attraction or romantic motive.
It's hard to say OP whether this is "real" or not but I don't see why it shouldn't be, it certainly can be real or he could be trying to groom you, you'll find out sooner or later.
I have a close friend who is only 22 this year I met in college and I've been friends with her for 4 years now and it's very real, I do care about her and the age gap doesn't matter because while we're close we're not in a relationship that requires matching levels of maturity, she is just a kid in my eyes really and even for her age is quite immature. But we meet up for coffee regularly, hang out at my place with my fiancée and we've become kind of like older siblings to her and the people she comes to for advice on things.
What I find strange about your guy OP is he sounds a little messed up, he sounds like a bad dude and not just because of his past but the fact that the only person he has to talk to about stuff like this is someone half his age.
Don't take this the wrong way OP, but you really don't have much to offer in terms of experience to be able to properly help him with all this kind of stuff. I would never approach my friend for major advice because it would be all but useless, well intentioned but useless to me, there's nothing new she can tell me. It kind of sounds like the only person he can turn to is you, which again is nothing personal but it's a very bad sign if a person his age hasn't a well established social circle and support network of friends who he can turn to about things like this and I find the idea that you're somehow best placed to help him through this stuff as suspicious in many ways.
He has a shady past, a history of hurting people and also blaming others for him being hurt. You know him better than me OP but if he's the kind of transient guy that has very fleeting friendships or has lost his deep friendships then it's very possible he only can care in the short term while a person is useful before he moves on etc.
Another thing that makes me suspicious is that after a year of closeness your gut is telling you it's not sure. That to me is very odd OP.
Look be cautious here OP, this guy is a bit old to be this damaged and messed up, "things he is working on" are bad signs at this stage in life. Sure, no one is perfect but this guy's history is not something you should ignore and he does not get a pass on it either, it makes him a very undesirable partner because I don't care how badly people want to change they really don't. Especially after nearly 40 years of being that person.
You have reason to be cautious here OP, you have reason to protect yourself emotionally. "Trying to change" is one of the most insidious emotional traps that people can use to excuse bad behaviour, I guess it's okay to ignore that they are a junkie, violent abuser or cheater because they're "trying" to change.
OP this guy's basket is not one you want to put all your emotional eggs into. He can't trust himself, he's still only at the stage of "trying" and his history shows the man he is, you'd be naive to think somehow with you things are different or that you really know him, I bet in his 40 years of fucking people over he's convinced a lot of people of that.
Take care of yourself OP, you're playing counsellor with a guy who has a 2 decade edge on you, it wouldn't take much for him to make you just another person he fucks over. A persistent historical pattern of behaviour is who a person is OP, they will always repeat themselves.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 May 2013):
 When my husband was 13 I was twice his age. I would not have considered dating him. I would not have found him attractive to date at age 18 or even age 25. By the time I met him he was 37 to my then 50. Now it works. Then it would not have.
It sounds to me like you two are friends. What makes you think there is more?
Do you really think that being a caretaker is the role you want with this man? Because right now you are an emotional caretaker. Add a romantic relationship to it and you become chief cook and bottle washer as well as maid, and laundress.
You put colorful and shady past in quotes like it's NOT important or it's not true... His past is very important
at his age he's lived lifetimes more than you have. I can't see what a MATURE man would see in a young lady of 18-21. that indicates to me he's not mature. AND if he's not mature at his age, he's NEVER going to grow up.
If you provide moral support and he's still WORKING on his problems, then continue to provide that support but know that until his issues are totally resolved and he's living an appropriate lifestyle for a year or longer, he should be off limits as relationship material.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 May 2013):
Ok so this is a man between the age of 36 and 42, and to be honest I'd be a little bit concerned if a man of that age liked someone as young as you, it is not normal for a grown man to be attracted to someone so young. You are at such different stages in your life that a grown adult shouldnt be attracted to someone who is still a teenager/barely out of their teenage years, there is such a difference in maturity that if he was a 'normal' man he wouldnt find a teenager attractive.
Putting aside any concerns over his mental health, I dont actually think from what you have said that anything more than friendship is going on here. And that is the way it should stay.
As I'm sure you are aware the age gap is just too big to ever have a successful relationship, I mean you get into all sorts of issues like marriage and kids (he will be too old to be a dad by the time you are ready for kids), and then the issue of what happens when he gets older. When he is in his 60's you'd still be in the prime of your life in your 40's, so you would both want very different things from life and it would be too hard to cope with each other. You would be too full of energy, wanting to go on holidays, see friends, have an active life with your children etc, whereas he would be winding down, wanting to take life more slowly and doing the typical things that pensioners want to do.
I know it might seem fun now, and if he is only in his 30's then he wont seem to old right now. But as he gets older, and you remain young, you wont want to have to settle for a boring life with an old man when you could be out having fun.
I'm sure he does care about you, it sounds like you have been great friends to each other - but dont allow it to turn into anything more, it might be fun in the short term but in the long run it will just cause heartache, and you run the risk of both of you hurting your families and friends with your actions.
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