A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:(I'm tired and it's 2:45am but I can't sleep because these thoughts are running through my head, so bear with me...)I guess the biggest way to sum up my situation, is that I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm stuck in this everyday routine with no direction. I want change...but I don't want to change who I am.Since I was young, I've been a nerd, dork, geek, whatever you want to call it. I always got my homework done, I never got in trouble, I rarely even talked to anyone. Thus growing up I sort of stayed that way, the only difference is I talk a BIT more to people other than my friends. But because of this "uncool" boring label, I never had a boyfriend. I've always been the nice girl. The one people ask for help on homework from, the one people borrow pencils from, the one people don't want to swear in front of because I'm "oh-so-innocent". I'm sick of it though. I've never had a boyfriend and all of my friends have at one point or another. Even my friend who is more of a hermit than I am managed to snag a boyfriend for awhile. It's not that I'm in a rush to get a boyfriend, it's just that I'm already 18 and yet I've never experienced a relationship. And that scares me into thinking that I won't be ready for it when someone finally does show interest in me.The biggest issue on my mind though is my image. I've always been the one friend in my group who's happy with myself. I cheer others up when they bring themselves down, I try to stay positive. But because I've always been happy with who I am, I refused to wear makeup. I feel that it's just a hassle and will cover up who I really am. I know that sounds ridiculous, but you know those girls that wear so much make up everyday, that when they go a day without it they look way different and you notice right away? I don't want to be like that. I don't want a face that's only familiar with makeup on it. I want to be me. I want to wear the boring comfy clothing that I like. One of my most frequent wardrobe items are band t-shirts because music is my biggest passion. But this lifestyle is getting me nowhere! I feel like no one notices me at all. I don't want to change to impress anyone, but I need to get out of this rut. My roommate has a boyfriend is gone several weekends visiting him so I'm stuck here alone and my life is pathetic. I'm too embarrassed of what others will think of me currently, so changing my wardrobe or wearing makeup makes me 10 times more nervous about what others will think. Especially when my friends were always so used to my boring drab style that when I finally dressed up a little fancier than usual like a nice shirt and some earrings, they ask me "why are you all dressed up?" and I feel like yelling at them. That is why I don't do it. It pisses me off that if I want to look nice people can't just accept it. I need some reason to do it. I feel like I'm getting nowhere and seeing all these relationships around me has made me feel more lonely than ever. I had one moment in my first year here at college, one chance where things possibly could have changed, but that went out the window. I got a job in the psychology department as an student office worker, and quickly made friends with the new guy that was starting with me. After days of semi-awkward hello's and goodbye's and "how are you?"s (that honestly totally brightened my days), we finally started talking about literature after he saw a book that I was reading. We discussed ridiculous stories we read in school and he would tell me about strange/hilarious novels he had read, and he would get so animated while telling me about them. I honestly loved it. I wasn't like super attracted to him, but if a guy makes me laugh, I'm always willing to give them a chance. And this guy liked reading which was a plus for me. But then my boss must of heard him because he was loud. So she came out and moved me to the other department office across the room which was a one person cubicle basically and told me "I'd thought I'd give you a break from him." She took upon herself to get involved because she thought I was being annoyed. I was so mad. But after that day we still occasionally talked throughout the semester. But then second semester came (after practically a whole month of Christmas vacation)and we had completely different work schedules. The only time we would work together was on Mondays...for 15 minutes. Coming back and seeing him was completely different. He barely talked to me and I felt like I was getting the cold shoulder. And I hadn't even done anything! Occasionally he would say bye to me and I'd feel happier but then there would be those following Mondays where I'd get nothing out of him. I felt like that was my one chance and I blew it. Now I'm starting to feel like perhaps I'm falling into a bit of depression. I mean I'm still happy most of the time, but whenever I'm alone for these long weekends at a time, I just start to think too much and suddenly feel like my life is just going in circles!! I feel like I don't even have a life. I don't party, I don't socialize. I sit in my room on the internet all day because everyone else here already has their friend groups. I'm a freaking chicken that can't get up the nerves to actually go talk to someone. Honestly, every time I try to have a conversation with someone (especially with guys), my mind goes completely blank and all I can think of is to basically ask the questions back that I'm being asked.Like person A: "What's your major?"Me: blah blah blah "What's yours?"person A: "That's cool, mine's blah blah blah. What kind of music do you like?"Me: blah blah blah "What about you?"And that's all my mind does! I don't want to get a boyfriend and rush my life ahead for the sake of having a boyfriend, but I've never felt so lonely in my life. And it doesn't help that my family members are always teasing me and asking "So, got a boyfriend yet?" Each "no" gets more embarrassing than the last. I want to change to do something about it, because let's face it I'm not that attractive in the first place (but I'm still happy with myself), but like I said, I feel like that'll change who I am. Plus it'll make guys only like me for my appearance. I feel like I'm having a teen-life crisis and it's scaring me to be honest. I'll take any advice, please and thank you. I'm sorry if this sounds overdramatic, pathetic, or stupid. It's just the thoughts that have constantly been running through my mind and I had to finally get it out somewhere to someone. Thank for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Ok I'll try and run through your issues one by one.
1. Make up and clothes. It is GREAT that you dont need to wear make-up, and that you are so comfortable with who you are. Most girls would kill to feel like that about themselves, so you really should feel proud of yourself for being so young yet having such a cool attitude towards your appearance.
However there is no harm in 'looking nice' whilst maintaining your identity. For example you like band t-shirts, and that is really cool - why not try wearing a more fitted womens band t-shirt (rather than a baggy mans one) that shows your shape a little, with a pair of skinny jeans or a skirt of some sorts? That way you get to keep your style with your fave band t-shirts, but you also style it up a bit and look more girly. Comfy, baggy clothes will never attract a man I'm afraid, it is a fact of life that men want to see your shape because women are sexy and its not something to be afraid of. If you are a bit of a rock chick and like to be more edgy than girly, then keep it a bit punky with your style - lots of denim, skinny jeans, converse, studded jewellery etc. Just dont swamp yourself in baggy clothes, keep it slim fitting to help it look more feminine and attractive.
As for make-up, I wouldnt worry about that too much. Men much prefer a natural girl, they hate it when they meet a girl they like, take her home and then wake up the next morning to someone who looks completely different! If you want to try a bit of make-up, maybe play around with eye make up - you can have fun with it and experiment without it changing too much of your appearance. It is only really foundation and bronzer that can make you look hugely different, it changes the tone of your skin so when it comes off you look ill! But if you have a good skin tone naturally then dont cover it up, just play with a bit of mascara and eyeliner to help your eyes pop and a bit of lip gloss wouldnt hurt either, just makes your lips look a bit more inviting to kiss that's all!
Geek chic is massively trendy right now so you can still do a geeky/nerdy look and still be stylish. As long as you try and steer yourself away from comfy and baggy, and instead try and get stuff that fits and shows off your shape, then you will be fine. Buy things you like, but just make sure they fit this time!
2. What your friends will say about you 'looking nice'. I'd just be honest and explain what you are doing so they are not so shocked. I know its not great what they are doing, but I bet if you saw a family member or friend who is normally dressed in baggy clothing and doesnt make much of an effort with their appearance, if you saw them dressed up with jewellery on I bet you would say something, even if you didnt mean to. It is just human nature.
So tell your friends that you are having a bit of a style re-vamp, that you are ditching the baggy comfy clothes and are trying something new. You could even ask your friends to help you shop for new stuff - if you have a friend who you think is particularly stylish then you could ask for her help.
3. Boys only wanting you for the way you look. Well you are guilty of this too without even acknowledging it - you said in your post about your work-mate that he wasnt the best looking, so you judged him on his appearances instantly! We all do it, the first time we meet someone we judge the way they look. However it is what the person does next that defines them - some boys will not move past how a girl looks, they wont care about her personality and will want one thing. These guys are easy to spot though, they will push you for sex quickly after meeting you and will lose interest soon after when they realise they are not getting it. The other type of guy of course still wants to be attracted to the girl, but he also wants a smart, funny girl who he has lots in common with.
Appearances are important in dating and they always will be. Attraction is a key part of a relationship and without it the relationship wont work. So you cant hide behind your baggy clothes through fear that a boy might want to have sex with you - that is a good thing! As long as he is willing to wait for it, then he is allowed to think you are sexy : )
4. Your so called lack of a 'life'. You are alive, therefore you have a life. So dont sit there feeling sorry for yourself, it is up to you to make what you want of your life. Ok so everyone at college has their friendship groups - why not go and make some new friends then and get into these friendship groups? Talk to people in class, talk to people in the library, talk to ANYONE you come across. All that small-talk you listed is great, that is how you make friends and you are not doing it wrong. The idea is to try and find people you have something in common with, so when you start talking about music they go 'oh my god that's my favourite band, I've seen them twice already this year and I'm seeing them again at xxx festival' Then you go 'wow that's cool, have you heard their latest album? I really love xxx song' and the chit chat continues. Yes its small talk, yes it sounds cheesy and a bit crappy but that is how you find out if you have something in common.
If there really is no-one you can approach to talk to in your life (which I dont believe) then start joining some groups or clubs (in real life, not online). There must be things you are interested in, so find a club either at college or in the local area and join it. If you like gaming, then I'm sure there are some geeky gaming type societies where you can meet like minded people. If you like running, join a running club. If you like books, join a book club.......you get the idea. You need to get yourself out there, you are responsible for your own happiness so if you are not happy then you need to do 2 things:
1. Figure out what makes you happy (not boy related mind you, must be other things in life away from boys)
2. Go and do those things that make you happy
Take me for instance, here are the things that make me happy:
1. Horse riding - so I have found a horse to share (cant afford my own) and I ride him 4 times a week, and I've made some good friends at the yard where he is kept
2. Wine. I bloody love wine, it is wonderful so I go wine tasting and do social events surrounding wine. No I'm not an alcoholic, I only really drink once a week but I make it a social thing
3. Food. Again, I bloody love food. I'd love to do cookery courses, baking courses....all that kind of stuff. At the moment I dont have time but one day I will. In the mean time I like to cook for friends and have dinner parties, I'll make cakes for the office etc.
4. My family. they make me incredibly happy so I try and spend as much time with them as possible. Even if its just going for a walk with them and the dog, I really enjoy that time with them
So you should get the idea - there are many more things in my life that make me happy but those are just some examples. I turn the things I love into hobbies and try and incorporate social elements into them all, so I have a full life with lots of people in it. And I'm not particularly outgoing or attractive, I'm just a normal person who knows that you have to make an effort in life to be happy, even if it pushes you out of your comfort zone.
Find yourself some new hobbies, volunteer for a charity, spend more time with friends and family, get your friends to introduce you to their other friends if you are really struggling - force yourself to go out and do things even if you would be more comfortable at home on the internet. Soon you will find that life isnt so dull, you will get to go to parties and socialise and once all that is sorted, the boys will follow.
Change your life to impress yourself - dont try and impress anyone else. If you see a celebrity (or someone on the street, they dont have to be famous) whose style you like and that impresses you, then take that as inspiration. Make yourself into the person you want to be, dont worry about boys for now. They are impressed generally by anything that has a hint of boobs, so they dont take much impressing I promise!
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): One word : bodycombat. It's the answer to all problems, try it and let me know :D
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