A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone.i've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now.we love each other and plan to get married once we both are settled in our careers and are of marriageable age.we both have had pasts..and he wasn't really "in love" before me, he says.which seems to be true.because he never committed any girl or had any long term relationships before us.he told me each and every bit of his past within the first few months.although i didn't ask him to explain in detail.but he ended up telling me unwanted details.like how he got casual bj from someone. and it kind of makes me feel bad at times. he says he was too young then,and now he's mentally mature and grown up.but his morals upset me.recently , when we completed our 2nd year , he even sent me a ring (he lives in a different city now) and a doll . i used to have a lot of feelings and excitement when i thought of him before.but these days, i occasionally feel negative and when i think of him, i don't get that excitement anymore.the feeling is completely opposite when i talk to him over phone or meet him or text him.i feel happy when he's around but feel so negative when he's not. why? i have been asking myself if it is the casualness in his past or is it that we aren't fit for each other?or am i psychologically having a problem .. i really don't understand why i do not feel that rush of excitement and love ..unlike before.i feel as though this store of love we have for each other will get over some day.i feel very confused at times.stuck.and a lot of responsibility.i'm yet to graduate from college, apply for masters ..go to a job,settle down,grow up.while he seems all grown up compared to where we began,he's working in a proper stressful job for more than a year now,and its like he's all changed,he's become more of a responsible man.not the funny guy i met.he's become a little dumber.when i crack a joke he doesn't get it at times.although this is exactly what i want my man to be, i'm not able to cope with it. and its as though he's expecting me to be something in future.i feel like it would be nice to do all of it free of pressure.and yet, i want him in my life. i just cant do without him .i feel frustrated that i'm not feeling the old excitement ! since there are people here, who are married for over years , dealt with so many relationships,experienced in handling jealousy of the past..know how to keep the spark.i'd like to get some advice.please help me get over my mind blocks.they are eating the joy out of this relationship.i can't imagine a future without him,i want to do what all women do,with him..get married, make a family ,go places,stay together thick and thin. but what are all these frustrating feelings agitating me and dousing the flames of passion :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): I think your problem is that you want to achieve this picture in your mind of being married to someone, having a family, being happy and growing old together. That's what many people want, so you're certainly normal to want that.but then there is him. If you forget about marriage and the future for a moment, concentrate on the here and now and just look at your feelings about him, it looks like you're not really that interested in him and he isn't that interested in you either.But the problem is that both started down this path of assuming that you will end up getting married. Why? because you happen to be together now, and don't most people who get together end up married. that's all. Hmm. you want the future picture of marriage and kids and happily ever after. And you naturally assume that since he's the guy who is here with you now, that means he is the one that will be playing the role of husband in your future, or that he is the only one who can play that role, since you don't have any other suitors at the moment. That's why you have a need to stay with him, because you feel as if leaving him means giving up your dream of the future and ending up alone which you definitely don't want. Again, that's because you don't at the moment have anyone else in your life that you can put a face to, who will step into that role of future husband so you feel it has to be him or nothing. when making the choice so extreme - him or nothing - of course you will want to keep him in your life because it's better than being alone. But this doesn't change the fact that you're not really that happy with him or he with you.I think you should be brave enough to let go of him, and take the risk that you will meet and find more suitors in the future who will be a better personality match for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): i see three areas here. The first is you are 18/21 young with a young mind and want to have fun, parties, laughter, feel funny, be funny, be silly, feel free, feel you have th wwhole world ahead of you - out with mates, like boys, like dressind up, like experimenting making mistakes, excitments. that is quite normal for a young girl - like faling and being in love, quite normal. That is the child self and we shold nurture that part of us. Secondly you are growning up and need to think about your future and plan your future. You talk about college, family, marriage, togetherness in going places. Maturity. that is normal too. Thirdly your feelings for this boy - you see him maturing, no joke, dumb, responsible man instead of funny guy. A kind of reflection of what is going on inside you. That is normal too. But rmember, how he is is his responsibility not yours. We can only change ourselves we cannot change 'the other'.So, my reply would be to turn the 'spotlight' on yourslef. What is it that you want out of life and at what pace or at what cycle or what are the achievements you wold like in the stages of your life that yo hve set. You can see I mean you will feel better if you unravle your own feelings that feels all mix up and put them in perspectives.Then spend some time with your responsible man/funy gury talking about your wants, desires, aspirations, hopes, dreams, goals and mor importantly do you want each other. I must tell you no one will know what you want unless you tell them. The other person is given the opportunity to decide whether to grant or reject. I am sure you will want to be with a 'free spirit' not a 'prisoner' - someone who is free to choose. That is free, guinine, tender love.Now having talked about the 'mountain' in your life that has now flattened, enjoy your life. Be happy and strive to be hapy. Good luck in all your endeavours.
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