A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sex means way too much to me, I know this. And it doesn't come from a good place. It comes from never being touched as a child expect sexually. So I know this isn't just a personality thing. Well it's left me feeling very comforted by sexual touch and sexual longing from others. I like romance but I feel great when my boyfriend wants to have sex with me. I know this sounds weird but please no judgments: When my boyfriend and I lay on the couch, I like to hold his penis or have him put his hand on my crotch. For me it isn't as much about sex as about just wanting that comforting feeling. And honestly, nothing comforts me like his penis. Not only this but if it was up to me I would talk about sex with him all the time and have sex 2 and 3 times a day. I could just never get enough of him. But he isn't like that. At the beginning of the relationship we used to talk dirty to each other all the time or swap fantasies. He couldn't get enough of it. His last girlfriend rarely had sex with him so he felt like he had died and gone to heaven to have me. But now after 2 years it's all slowed down. We don't have sex as much, I try and talk dirty all the time and he rarely responds, he hasn't told me a fantasy in 6 months!! And sometimes he jokes that I'm like a sex maniac which kills me when he does. I know I am oversexed so I try to be good about it cause I know not everyone is like that. Like I'm not disappointed that we don't have sex several times a day and I'm not too bummed about the fantasies (even though I'd kill for one). But things like letting me stroke his penis when we are watching TV and talking dirty give me some comfort that everything is OK. When I don't have those, I start to get nervous and uncomfortable. I don't know what to do!! He is the only man I have ever loved and I know he loves me more than anything. But I cry when he doesn't want to do these small sexual things. It makes me feel awful that he doesn't want me sexually as much as I want him! Plus, I always felt like guys would be OK with having sex 30 times a day if they had to, so it scares me!Do I just learn to deal with this? I love him too much to break up with him but how do you survive when you feel like you are starving? Guys, would you be the same way he is? Can a woman want too much sex from you? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, weakSOB  +, writes (31 May 2011):
Im on this site because my gf doesnt want sex more than once a week, and even then it feels like she is doing it for me.
So please understand that you have it made!!!
Guys like having sex 3-4 times a day at any beginning of a new relationship, but like everything else in life, things calm down and you find a balance. getting it from your man 3-4 times a week is about as balanced as it gets.
In regards to the penis holding while doing other activities, I completely understand you. I wish to God on a daily basis for my gf to do things like that just to make me feel wanted and desired. I used to go to sleep every night with my hands either on her crotch or her breast. now I dont touch those area's more than once a week cause it intimidates her. Thinking I want sex.
now we are in a loop of sexual frustration.
im sure your man loves you and still wants to have sex with you. But you must be carefull not to make him feel inadiquate because your a "sex monster" and he cant keep up with you.
I promise if you chill out a little and allow him to notice that you are backing off, he will persue you.
by you touching him all the time makes him think it will lead to sex all the time. making him inevitably defencive when it comes to anything that has to do with sexual context.
good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Ohh, I feel the same. I'm 2yrs into a relationship where I could still happily have sex every day, but my bf wants/needs breaks. It upsets me IMMENSELY. I feel not needed/wanted/desired, like he's distracted/choosing others after a few days of not having sex. It's highly unlikely your bf would go to a prostitute, that's usually a last resort and certainly not for everyone!
It's hard to know how differing your sex drives are because you're not always aware of what your partner is thinking/doing. I resisted relationships/love/trusting/getting close until my current bf too. I place a HUGE emphasis on sex. To the best of my knowledge I wasn't abused.
That was highly unprofessional of the therapist. Don't rule out seeing maybe a sex therapist/someone specializing in trauma/abuse. There may be things you just won't be aware of that may help you understand it all better.
It's perfectly okay to want a lot of sex but if it is detrimental to you and how you feel in your relationship/s (future ones) and your partner, and you have a strong idea why this is, then there must be a way you can transfer those feelings somehow, to stop associating sex with love. Do you self love enough? You can always give yourself that, it is probably most important you give yourself that, in non-sexual ways too.
I'm not trained but these things interest me as I've not had the best relationship with sex since I was little - it was always taboo, not to be spoken about, let alone ever engaged in/thought about in any way, I feel like my sexual feelings where quashed :( Probably why I'm so sexual now I'm finally in a relationship and grown up.
I hope you've found a way to deal with this over these few months. Post an update, maybe we can pm. I think you should see a specialist as your case seems to be quite unique, but maybe your particular experience is quite common. I know it's hard but absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's the conclusion I've come to after feeling too available that I'm not in demand anymore!! :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): I was in a 20 year relationship which averaged once a week, but I am a 3-4 times a week kinda guy...lots of masturbation. I'm in a new relationship with a sex addict who wants it as often as you. I am in heaven, but here's what happened...she, for lack of a more delicate phrase, "drains" me, which keep smy libido lower than I am used to. As a result, I sometimes don't perform well. On the positive side, if we go a day or two (rare) without sex, I am a ball of testosterone and overflowing. My recovery is way stronger. At times, we have so much sex, or such vigorous sex that she gets raw and sore enough that we can't have very good sex for a few days. Point of all this being, you need to find a happy medium. It is harder to find this when one wants it 3 times a day and one wants it once a week, but there are ways to compromise. there are toys, there is masturbation and there is patience. You need to exercise all your options and find what makes you happy.
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A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 Hi Hunny
My situation is different from yours, I had a very abusive marriage not only physical but mentally also..
Im cutting a very long story short, He made me feel very undesirable and it took me years to get well from the abuse. This lead to me feeling if a man I was with did not want sex he didnt care..I was left feeling once again rejected..It took me along time to get through this. I could talk with you for hours about this..What a journey and a learning experience. I understand 110% how you feel, Truely if you ever need to talk just give me a message PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses. I really am taking each response to heart cause I can tell each person really does want to help. So I am definitely thinking through each and every one.
I will respond to them in order from the bottom up.
To the anonymous female poster,
My boyfriend is actually about 6 years younger than me! That's part of why I've been so shocked that he doesn't always want sex. But I think he likes hugging and kissing as much as sex so if we cuddle on the couch or something and then make love later, to him that's like having sex 2 or 3 times. He goes to bed very happy. And most days it makes me happy too. But some day's not so much.
Regarding going to the therapist, I actually tried to go to one 1 year ago to talk about this and other issues. I picked someone referred by others but I found out later they had a very odd stance on childhood memories and they told me that they thought I was making up my molestation. It killed me because I never open up to anyone, except my boyfriend and would never do anything like make something up for attention! Most days I pretend it never happened. I had to quit and it has taken all this time trying to recover from sharing something so intimate and being so vulnerable with a stranger and being called a liar by a professional. I know not all are like that but I just can't go to another right now and risk that pain again.
To the anonymous male reader,
I can't even imagine how hard that would be! My partner is good about trying to have sex at least 3 times a week but that his low for him, when he is working too hard. So I just can't imagine the amount of frustration to not even know if and when you might get sex.
I totally agree about the partner feeling like a failure. He says it kills him when I ask and he can't cause he feels like he has let me down. It's probably also hard cause he probably feels like, as the man, he should be able to met all his partners physical desires. So I do try and not ask all the time.
I also have a hard time with not trying to think of others. I have no desire to cheat on him at all but I do struggle with fantasizing about other men when I get turned down. I hate that I do that and I try to stop it but it does happen every now and then.
I really like your reference about the book and the monk being thankful. It really puts things into perspective. I know I need to be thankful for him in general. He is an amazing man and he loves me in a way I didn't know men loved! He is my best friend and probably the only guy I will ever love. And, probably like you and your wife, it's why I just can't leave him over a sex issue. I know I would regret it every day if I did. So you are right, I really do need to remind myself that the sex is one issue. Even though it's killing me! And sometimes I do remind myself that at what point does it become irrational to ask something from someone? If I wanted sex 7 times a day would it be rational to ask someone to perform that often? I don't even think I could do that that often! So I do think sometimes how hard it would be if I was in a relationship with a man who wanted sex way more than me. I know I would still love him even if I couldn't physically met his demands.
To the anonymous reader,
I'm not sure if you meant that your sex drive is low because of the incident with the prostitute or it's higher because of it. But that sounds a lot like my boyfriend! He had some very unpleasant experiences when he was a younger man that I think has left a bad taste in his mouth about the act of sex. He also grew up with "free love" parents who had no limits or boundaries. I think it has demystified sex to him. He loves it but I think he just thinks it's one of many things in a relationship, no big deal. And so I think that's why he is kind of against making the relationship so sexual. I don't think he wants it to be what he saw when he was younger. But my concern is, and maybe you can help me with this cause of your history, my concern is that he will want sex from somewhere else since he is trying to limit it with me. I mean if you try to make the relationship not just about sex, will you wake up one day and want to sleep with prostitutes again? I mean he is a man who has to have sexual needs. Maybe he'll try and get them with a prostitute cause he has denied himself that in his relationship. Or would that never be something you want cause of how bad the experience was?
To Chippy 2,
I'm so sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend! That is terrifying to me, the thought of breaking up over this. I have definitely laid in bed crying as he slept over a time he didn't want me.
I kind of have a weird past about men, in that I avoided them most of my life. He is the first man I have been with and the only man I have ever let get really close to me emotionally as well. He brought all this out in me cause before I didn't want to be touched by anyone, ever. I didn't want to feel loved at all cause I didn't trust it. When I met him he just was so open and loving to me I slowly started to let him in. And most of the time he is so willing to receive all the love I have in me that I haven't really given to anyone but this is the one issue that we struggle with.
I looked into Sex Addicts Anonymous once and I don't know if I am. I don't want to be a person who is in denial but a lot of it didn't fit me. Like I don't take risk behavior or cheat or do any of that. It's hard cause maybe I'm not like worst case scenario but I don't know.
Again, thank you everyone for your help. I appreciate every response. They have calmed me down and helped me to feel not as crazy! :)
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (7 July 2010):
I read with much pain your question. I too, feel that way and it drove my last bf and I apart.I NEEDED that constant sexual attention and if I didnt get it from him, I sought it from others ( flirting, making sure others thought I was attractive) The feeling that I was starving and if he didnt have sex with me I ate food. I used to joke that food and sex were the same - and if he wanted to keep me thin he needed to have more sex with me. Guess what? I eventually over four years got fat and I blamed it on him. Now looking back I can see like you, why some of it occured. There is a group out there you may want to consult. I am going to. It's called Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous. A 12 step program like they do for alcohol.I cant say we are addicts, you and I, but I know someone who had gone to the group and got a much better understanding of why she craves that attention and feels worthless without that sexual response from her partner and all people in general.My self-esteem was totally tied up in the amount and type of sex I had with the boyfriend at the time. I would cry myself to sleep next to him cause he didnt want it as much as me. What man doesnt want to have sex with me? I would think.Don't break up with him yet. Sounds like you got an excellent start and are very much together. If you move to someone else you will then feel like you are STARVING again if you dont find the root of issue.Best of luck to you - if you want to get in touch - please do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): I understand. I think there's nothing wrong with you. All you have to do is keep in mind that everyone is different. Some people often wonder about me. I have an ordinary sex drive because I had a bad experience with a prostitute once. Things that happen in the past can play up on our minds. I think eventually you might find the answers to your questions, but for now, you might need to ask a Psychiatrist what you should do about it. Don't stress out too much. We all make mistakes and we all have mental problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes that is exactly what is happening pepper27! It made me cry to read your response cause that's exactly how I feel. I want to be satisfied with just his hugs but I really am not.
I always wanted to be hugged and held as a child but I never was. I know it probably sounds perverted but the only person that I felt love from was the man who touched me inappropriately. I know he was just a pervert praying on a child but I just wanted to be touched by someone!
Now when my boyfriend just touches me I would prefer if it was sexual. It is very, very comforting. I want more than just a hug. Cause that just feels like a pat on the hand. Just a peck on the lips feels like a pat on the head or something. I don't feel satisfied until some kind of sexual stroking happens. And it doesn't have to even lead to sex! Just feeling turned on makes me feel safe and happy. So that's why I like even talking about sex.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (7 July 2010):
Hi Hunny
If I got this correct you say you had no touch as in hugs as a child apart from sexual touch?
If this is right then sweetheart you are using sex as you say a comfort zone as you feel that is where the love comes from...You feel low and upset when your b/f doesnt want to touch you as this is the only form of love you have ever understood, Hugs and cuddles from your partner do not feel enough. And if you are rejected it feels as if you are not loved..If I have this right hunny I would like to talk to you more and try and help. Just need to no if I understood your post correctly TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXX
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): I'm a guy so I'm on the end of the spectrum that wants a lot of sex, but from talking to male friends about libido I think I'm more driven than all of them.
I'm married to someone that I'm probably lucky to have sex with twice a week - and that would be a good week. I find it really hard, I can't think straight sometimes and it's frustrating as hell fighting your body's urges and desires.
I start thinking that she's not attracted to me etc and I know that's not the problem - we're just different.
It's hard for her too, she feels lke a failure and that just makes our situation worse.
I am always looking at other girls, but I'm not a cheat or wanting to, I've turned offers down on more than a few times even whilst drunk - I love my girl. But it's hard.
I can't change her, I love her and I am working on myself and how I look at things. I think it's going to be a similar road for you where you need to start retraining yourself. Not because you're at fault for how you feel, no way, but because you'll drive yourself a bit nuts if you don't.
I haven't had a situation like you early on, I can gather this is hard and complicates things, but good on you for speaking about it - definitely a step in the right direction.
I'm by no means a person who listens to new age overtly enthusiastic feel good about yourself speaker and people who appear false in their motivational ways, the poeple from infomercials etc but I read something recently in an old book, an excerpt from a monk (ok - monk, sex, maybe a bad choice) but the first reason he is happy is because he can see. He is thankful for his eyes. He recounts from there everything else he has, things we take for granted so badly. Hearing, freedom, mobility etc.
From reading this I am thankful I have someone I love so much that I would die for them. I feel less hurt about my physical needs not being met. I'm talking to myself about the things I am lucky enough to have when I start feeling down. Maybe it means I'm telling myself things to be happy about 200 times a day, but it is actually helping.
Can you be thankful that you have things like sight, warmth, you do not have to fight to eat. You have a guy that loves you and has obviously tried hard to work with you and your sexual preferences.
I know your questions revolve around sex, but sex is not the answer and I think finding comfort in things other than sexual acts, wether touching or otherwise would be good.
I'm still new to trying to change my thoughts, but it's working, I am happier so far at work and at home, I've had a couple of moments but I think it must be withdrawal form the way I've always felt.
Maybe what I've written is rubbish and not what you're after, but you have my support for the way you feel and I hope you find exactly what will help you to change the way you feel safe and secure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): Yes, a woman can want too much sex from a guy. As much as they are obsessed with sex, they do have limits. And sometimes a woman with a big libido can be just too much.
Anyway it seems to me like you find in sex a replacement for something else, since you find safety in it and so on. Let me guess, is your partner also a few years older than you? The way that you see sex isn't doing you any favor, because in any relationship at some point the amount of sex decreases. It's normal. I think you could really benefit from seeing a theraphyst.
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