| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Who is in the wrong? My fiance is gone for a week and so I went out to a bar last night by myself. He always goes to bars by himself, but yet he got really mad at me. He said that he didn't want to be with a girl who does that. He told me to apologize and say I won't do it again. I felt like he was really controlling, and so finally I said what I've always wanted to say. I told him that if I have to abide by those rules, then he should have to too. He got mad and said that we were talking about me and I shouldn't change the subject. Finally, he said that he wouldn't do it if we didn't argue for a week. He also said that he would be more willing to wear the promise ring I gave him if we didn't argue. I feel like he is blaming me on why he goes to bars by himself which is not cool, and I told him this. We have been arguing a lot lately, but usually it's because of the vacations he goes on without me....whether if they are business or not. Is this all a double standard, or does he have a point? He said he wants me to act like the girl once in a while and stay at home and tell him to have fun. Is it me, or does it sound like he's trying to control me? I never used to go to bars by myself, but I feel very neglected a lot of the time. I obviously won't do it anymore because it's probably not safe, not really that fun, and it upsets him.
View related questions:
fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (21 August 2007):
 I agree with RJGirl. He can't hold you to standards he doesn't hold himself to. He'll try though. You see as a man, the hunter, he's not worried about himself cheating because he won't pursue any females. He's out there in the jungle and he's around prey but he's not hunting. It feels good to be out there socializing but he still knows he''s not going to cheat. It's disrespectful toward you though. It's not disrespectful if he went out once in a blue moon and socialized in a bar situation. If he does it all the time, that's different. He doesn't want you in that situation because he knows what goes on and he can't control you. So yes,it's a double standard. He has valid reasons for his ideas, things can happen, but his technique is flawed and hypocritical. If it's a risky scene for you then he should avoid it too.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (20 August 2007):
 If your in a committed relationship, and neither one of you is comfortable with the other one, going to a bar alone, then neither of you should go. The rules should go both ways. When a woman goes to a bar alone she is quickly labeled as "prey". It's not the sort of reputation you want. Plus, it is dangerous. Anyone could slip something into your drink and there would be no one there to look out for you, except the person who slipped it in there, who then offers to drive you home (God only knows where you'll end up) etc. If you really want to go out and have a drink, go with a girlfriend or two. Don't put your life in jeopardy when you're feeling neglected, but do talk to your b/f about ways you can spend time together so you feel more connected and more comfortable about your relationship in general. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): I must say, in my opinion, your man is being quite the hypocrite! In my marriage, I always keep things equal and fair to ensure happiness for the both of us. If I tell my husband he cannot meet up with ex-girlfriends, then I don't meet up with ex-boyfriends. If he tells me not to be going out to bars without him, then I hold him to the same standard. There needs to be an equal balance of power and rules. He cannot have all the power while you have all the rules. Your scales must be even for this relationship to work. His trips to the bar by himself and vacations alone are not fair to you all by themselves, but saying you have to "be the girl" and stay home and just tell him to have fun when he goes off, is completely ridiculous. He is being very controlling. Not only that, but it is possible that he wants you to stay at home all the time because he doesn't want you doing the things he does when he goes to the bar "by himself" or vacations "alone." Maybe he is not being entirely honest. Even if he is, it isn't fair of him to say he can go out and have fun and do what he wants, but you must stay home and wait for him like a good little puppy dog. It bothers me that he would say for you to be "the girl." There is no such thing in this day and age. Relationships need to be equal in order to work. There is no "man's place" in a relationship and there is no "woman's place" in it, either. Equality is key. I suggest that you find a healthy dose of confidence and tell him what's what. Tell him that if he doesn't want you going out alone, then he had better stop doing it himself. Tell him you won't be with a hypocrite. Put your foot down and tell him what's up, before he walks all over you forever. You're not being treated fairly, my dear, and I, personally, would be very upset by this. Good luck and take care!
-RJGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): No way that he can tell you to stay home, especially if he doesn't. He is controlling you!
...............................
|
