A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf has this female friend that they hardly see each other because of distant but they text twice a week at least. She doesn't have any other friends and she got out of an abusive relationship with his help. She refused to meet me and when I finally did meet her. She was plain rude that prompted my bf to never have us see each other again. Finally after going to therapy together about this girl my bf opened up that he is her emotional crutch and that he sees now that she thought they were dating, even though they never defined the relationship and in the beginning she told him he was in the friend zone. He told me that if he broke off their 4 year friendship that she would kill herself. We have been dating 3 years now and I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable when they do meet up as I am not invited. I did not know about her until about a 1.5 years in. We are moving in together and I want to know if it is ok to tell him to tell her mother that if he breaks it off she will kill herself so she can get some help? On a side note when his guy friend texts me and he feels uncomfortable about it but doesn't want to say anything because it is controlling ( all his words) does this mean he doesn't want me able to say the same thing to him about his female friend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): I think that if the girl were to really commit suicide she would have it done a long time ago. like the other posters are mentioning, she is emotionally black mailing your bf. Usually in those case, the least attention he gives her and the more distant he becomes, the less the threat of suicide it will be because she will see that this ultimate threat doesnt work if your bf is ignoring it / not doing a thing to stop her from doing it. It also sounds like that if the girl could she would want to be with your bf so usign him as an emotional crutch and talking about her problems is just the way she found to keep him in her life as there is the issue about distance. How did your bf act after you met his friend? Did he notice if she was rude to you? I think that he is definitely putting in parallel your situation with guy friends and his situation with his girl pal. Maybe discussing jealousy or how he's uncomfortable when you get texts from male friends is a stepping stone to discuss this friend of his.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (20 June 2012):
What makes him think that she’d do something as drastic as kill herself? Has she said something to indicate that this is the case? If so, those closest to her should indeed be informed. It’s not your boyfriend’s responsibility to save this girl. Whilst it’s fine for him to have female friends and you to have male friends, it’s a bit disrespectful of the girl to refuse to meet you. Your boyfriend should insist that you are invited when they meet up at least some of the time, not necessarily because it suggests that he’s hiding something if he doesn’t, but it’s bound to make you feel upset if he doesn’t make his friends accept that his girlfriend is part of his life. So, find out where his fears about her killing herself come from. Her words? Yes, if that’s the case some-one needs to step in closer to the girl and help her out. It might be attention-seeking but better to be safe than sorry where suicidal threats have been made. But if it’s just a worry he has without any evidence from her, he’s not responsible for her, and he should be more insistent that his friends accept his girlfriend. Explain to him that you’re not against them having time alone, but that you resented her rudeness and expect to be included at least some of the time, or to see an effort made on his part to insist that she accepts you.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): So the texting is at least twice a week for a span of a few hours at a time. Also, her mother knows about me, but is all for my bf dumping me and dating her daughter. He tried not texting a lot but she freaked out.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 June 2012):
Hi there. As they are only texting each other, they are not really seeing each other, are they?
They are just friends, and that's all.
People who are emotionally disturbed as this girl obviously is, will often make a threat to kill themselves if they don't get what they want.
It's a way of controlling the situation, as it makes the other person feel guilty if they don't comply.
And so it keeps the other person in toe and doing what the person who threatens to kill themselves, wants them to do - for fear they might just go ahead and take their own lives.
And if they did go ahead and do it, the other person would then feel responsible.
And the disturbed person, already knows this pretty well.
People do what works for them.
For some, it is to turn on the waterworks.
For others, it is to threaten suicide which then causes guilt in that other person.
It's a cruel thing for someone to do, to threaten suicide, knowing it will cause guilt in that other person for maybe a very long time.
And the truth is, just because she threatens suicide, doesn't mean she will go ahead and do it.
And even if she did, why on earth would your boyfriend be responsible?
The suicide would have been of her own doing, and it would also be completely her own decision to do so.
So realistically, how does that involve your boyfriend?
She's there and he's over here with you! Miles apart!
It's probably what would be described as "Emotional Blackmail". And it's a very DARK place to go with other people's emotions. It is almost bordering on evil.
Threatening suicide is a very controlling behaviour, and it's no wonder she has no friends if that's how she acts whenever she doesn't get her own way.
And it's HUGELY unfair to treat another human being in that way.
If she counts him at least as a friend, well then she isn't being a true friend to him, is she?
What does she hope he will do?
What does she hope "Him and Her" is going to come to, when all it is, is 2 text messages a week?
How can that possibly, be called any kind of relationship, in reality?
Yes, it's clear that he is her emotional support system, but it has to come to a point in her life, where she must start making some decisions on her own, surely.
How long does she think she can control him like this?
Forever?
I guess he could talk to her mother, because it will at least inform her of how emotionally disturbed her daughter really is.
She may not be fully aware of how serious it is.
She probably knows how her daughter mopes around the house and doesn't see friends or go out much, however she might not know that she is potentially suicidal.
So for this reason, she needs to be told the whole truth.
And then some medical intervention and also some psychological counselling could begin, which could make a real difference.
And as far as your boyfriend texting her is concerned, it might be best if he DOES NOT initiate contact.
In other words, let her text him first. And not the other way around.
And another thing he could do is when he receives a text message from her, DO NOT answer it straight away.
Perhaps reply to it the next day or the one after that.
Even if she texts him again in between the time of him answering her first text, still wait at least 1 day or 2 days, before answering them both.
And when he does answer, keep it short, and answer both of her texts with just one of his.
Then do this every time she sends him a text, and leave it 1 or 2 days till he replies.
This way, she will get tired of not getting prompt replies from him, and so her texts in future, could become a bit less frequent.
As she won't want to be waiting and waiting for a reply.
And so eventually, she could stop sending them altogether.
That would be the desirable thing to happen.
It will then, just kind of fade into oblivion.
I think that's the best way to handle it really.
It's inevitable that she will get tired of getting late replies.
And when he does reply - after 2 days - he just needs to say, "I've been really busy". And don't elaborate on that or say anything about breaking up (even if she says something).
And supposing she did say - "Are you breaking up with me?" - He can then say - "No, I have honestly been very busy, that's all".
So really, what he is doing, is letting her down very gently - if you get my point.
Ending it with her slowly, without any mention of the dreaded word "breakup".
So consequently, she won't feel the need to threaten suicide, with him anymore.
So it diffuses the situation completely.
PLUS him calling her mother (and hopefully, her mother answers the phone - not the girl!)
And he can't be sure that it will be her mother who picks up the phone!
Because if it's the girl, well that's another problem!
And telling her how her daughter has been making threats of suicide to him all the time if he breaks it off with her.
And he also needs to tell the girl's mother about you.
Her mother needs to have a full understanding of how things really are.
If calling her mother is going to pose a risk of the girl answering the call, well then that's not going to be a good option.
Could he write a letter to her mother, and explain in the letter everthing that has happened?
Could he address the letter to her mother's work, in case her daughter opens the letter for her mother and sees it and destroys it - without her mothing ever seeing it?
Because we don't really know whether it would get to her mother in the first place, do we?
In any case, it does need to happen that her mother be told exactly how emotionally disturbed her daughter really is.
How he does that, is something that will have to be worked out.
Or, could he call the girl's mother at her work?
That might be another option for him.
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