A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I like this guy (described in http://www.dearcupid.org/question/does-it-seem-like-he-is-going-to.html), and he has been respecting my opinions. By respect, I mean he wanted to do things but as soon as I asked him to stop he would. I now won’t let him kiss me because we are not bf/gf yet and I only get intimate with my relationship partner.We took a nap together tonight and it was peaceful. I felt safe. We made out a little bit afterwards, no kissing, basically hugging with our clothes on.I feel I can trust him and I like him so I want to spend a night with him (only sleeping next to each other. I don’t mean sex). The point is I don’t want anything to happen because we are not bf/gf yet. He is 33, do you think he will understand my feelings toward it? Or I should not even think about it.
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (10 April 2009):
 Goodness. This is really funny. Not funny bad, but funny in the intellectual sense. If there is such a thing. LOLI think your last posting was the most illuminating, as it went straight to the point and provided us with the critical information needed. And it goes to show that we aunts could be so way *off* the mark without these other crucial bits of information. [and I am still chuckling to meself here at my own wrong assumptions]OK back to your original question then. It sounds like *you* are NOT the one he is concerned to be in a "weird" position. It is him! And this is maybe a classic example where a woman wants to know where she is going, while the guy just says "relax and lets just cruise for a while" LOL. He might take you where you want to go as you guys are cruising, but he may also also drop you off somewhere if he found that you asked him too many times to stop and ask for directions. LOLSo, back again, do whatever you think is comfortable for you. If you are fine to go along with whatever parameters he set up for the both of you, then go for it. If not, then perhaps you are not that compatible or not on the same page.Good luck!Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,All you guys’ answers have made me happy so I will chat a little bit more just for fun.Yes I am from China and I came to the states when I was 17/18. I think I know the American Culture well and I am a student counselor who help college students with their academic concerns other stuff. I am on the nerdy side, not hard working, but nerdy, and I happened to went out with some nerdy American born Chinese guys. What is so ironic is: this new guy is also a Chinese American and he a professor in Chinese. He is actually my first “special friend” who can write Chinese, and to be honest, his Chinese is better than mine. Plus he has had a Chinese girlfriend who was more fobby than I am.So at the beginning, I tried to use my counseling strategies. I opened up, told him that I was scared and confused. I told him I trusted him so I told him that I was scared. I also told him I didn’t need to marry every guy I go out with but I believed everything needed a good intention. I also told him that I didn’t feel comfortable getting intimated with guys who are not my bf. Didn’t work out well. He won’t comfort me. He just told me that he didn’t want to put me in a weird place and asked me to take it easy. I was talking to him on msn and now it’s still a sore point: our conversation had to end whenever I touch this topic. And i am not petite. lol I am the same height as him.
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (10 April 2009):
OK. Big cultural difference here. You've been living in the States for less than 5 years, and you grew up in Asia? Africa? China? Saudi Arabia? This may be a small detail for you, but for the aunts, bits of background information like this would help them to "understand" where you were coming from [excuse the pun]
My advice is, tell him directly, that you come from a different upbringing and socio-cultural norms than what he may know. Tell him what may be something "obvious" for him may be confusing for you. So rather than him confusing you and you confusing him (and now *I* am a bit confused in the process LOL), tell him to bear with you when you asked him questions. If he likes you *a lot* I think it may just boost his confidence that you trust him to explain to you about things in life in general (in the States). Kind of dating an exotic petite cute creature from a foreign land, actually.
Just a small friendly reminder, if you are not comfortable in doing *anything*, tell him. Explain to him why. If his comments are condescending, then you that it is a red flag already. But, if you like something that he does, tell him also. We all like to hear it when we are being appreciated. That goes for him too.
Good luck!
Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNormally, does one person need to ask the other one to “date” him/her? Because I saw no sign of him asking me to “date” him. On Monday he tried to kiss me, I didn’t let him and I asked him “it’s not like we are dating right?” He laughed and said “of course not. Why do u have to ask me”And on Sunday, we kissed, and I asked “are we dating?” he laughed and said “of course, why do u have to ask me?”I was confused, and had to ask “we are dating? since when?”He then asked me “would you?”But the conversation got interrupted and we were mad at each other.I asked him what he thought of me and he couldn’t give an answer. He said he just felt things.
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male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (10 April 2009):
 You are 22 not 12! You are a woman, an adult, come on it is fine to kiss someone you are not going out with, dating to some people is the same as being "in a relationship" he is not dating anyone else, and is dating you, I think you are wanting him to say something that doesn't need to be said.
It sounds to me like you two are exclusive, you enjoy the intimacy so why not stop fretting, and just enjoy yourself all these dilemmas about "dating, exclusiveness etc" is such hard work.
Kiss him properly (open mouth and everything!), even have sex (safely) have fun, you are not a teenager any more, if after all that he still doesn't commit, well you will have learned from it and can move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbobbles32,ArmyMedic,
Thank you for your help.
I hope this thing will work out well.
I was brought to the states 4.5 years ago by parents so relationship vise, I am still very conservative and traditional. It’s weird because all my “ex”es were American Born Chinese but they all asked me out at the very beginning. This dating idea is new to me…I have no idea how far ppl go when they are dating and how long ppl date. VERY CONFUSED. My frd told me I would never get a BF if I don’t even let ppl kiss me. She also told me to avoid him because “older men get physical fast and you don’t have that much experiences”
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female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (10 April 2009):
 I think you're overthinking this, try to relax and go with the flow.
So you say you're dating him? :s I'm a tad confused.
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male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (10 April 2009):
Thanks Bobbles! I have to agree with what you have put here too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto ArmyMedic,We kissed once. I LOVED it but I got insecure and very emotional afterwards. I hadn’t kissed any single guy who was not my bf before him and he didn’t ask me out or tell me anything. I asked him if he was playing with me, again, again, and again…finally he got mad because he felt I was questioning him. But he didn’t say he liked me…he just told me I could think the want I want to think and he doesn't believe in what ppl say, but what ppl do.After he kissed me, I asked him if we were dating and he said of course. He also told me he was not dating anybody else. But I had no idea that we were “dating” because he didn’t ask me….or told me. And the question is: how long does this guy want to date me? And does he even plan to have a relationship with me? I didn't agree on the dating thing, I think something interrupted it and I am now confused…I am scared to ask because when I asked him whether he liked me or he was playing me he got mad. I am only 22, over 10 yrs younger than him, I don’t want to appear like a desperate bitch.
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female
reader, bobbles32 +, writes (10 April 2009):
Ah! ArmyMedic is probably right, he usually is!:p
you should ask him out!
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male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (10 April 2009):
I have read both your posts and I think he doesn't know if you like him enough to ask you out, you seem to be enjoying his attention and you are using him to fill all your emotional needs.
I think you have given very mixed signals and from the way you describe him, I think he would like a relationship with you. But because you have pushed him away so many times and won't even kiss him properly, he may think you only like him as just friends, therefore I think you need to ask him out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sure he is not shy because I made it clear that I liked him
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto bobbles32,
we are not official because he hasn't asked me!!!! That's why I am so worried. He has been friendly to all my frds though. =(
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female
reader, bobbles32 +, writes (10 April 2009):
If you let him know straight up that sex is not what you want while you spend the night together. He seems like a pretty good guy. Why haven't you two become official yet?
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