A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm divorced and met a woman through friends who's married but living separated lives with her husband for financial reasons. Long story short, she invited me out for a date. Is it wrong to date a separated woman who's husband is already out there dating and having sex with other women? They have been living together separated for over 5 years and I'm concerned that I could be crossing a line even though her friend who is my friend too said I should go out with her, the marriage is definitly over with and nobody would care not even her husband. Would you date this woman?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 February 2014):
I would advise against it.
For one, separated = still married. No way around that. If it were me, Id want one thing finished before moving on to something else.
For two, depending upon where you live, it can be viewed by the courts as adultery, and will not help her if the divorce gets messy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): Morally wrong? No, they're officially separated so it's not cheating.
A wise decision? Not in my mind. I'd bone her and even have a purely sexual fling with her but I wouldn't emotionally invest in a woman who still lives with her husband so I wouldn't date her.
OP the relationship may be technically over, but in practical terms they're still together. She won't let go of him completely because she's still dependent on him enough to stay living with him 5 years after they separated.
From that standpoint I wouldn't go near her romantically, of course that wouldn't stop me sticking it in either but it would only be sex.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Assuming the only reason she's not divorced is financial then I think you have to ask yourself whether you want to get seriously involved with someone who's not financially independent. If things get serious between you, will you be able or willing to support her financially (buy her out of the house she shares with her husband, for example)?
But I have to express concerns as to why they haven't divorced. Living under the same roof for financial reasons I can get, and I have a friend who has been in that position for 1 year. But the lack of divorce - It makes me think that they are not entirely emotionally separated from one another. If you seek a proper relationship, rather than casual, it's a disaster to attach to someone who's already attached to someone else.
I might have judged this all wrong and it might work out fine if you trust what the mutual friend says. But in your shoes, I would not date this individual.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): I'm from the UK so I don't know if my response will be different because we tend to view separation slightly differently over here. How well do you know and trust the mutual friend that you met this woman through? And how well does she know the woman? I ask because if what she is saying is true and the only reason that they are still living together is PURELY for practical reasons eg. she or he cannot get a mortgage alone or something very similar, then I would say consider going out with her. Obviously be very careful however - if the husband and wife are intending to divorce then how amicable is it? If he turns nasty he could use your dating as a means to take her to the cleaners financially. If they are still living together for any other reason than pure practicality, then I would forget it.To give you a slightly different perspective on this - I was in a very long term relationship, not married, but living with my daughter from a very early marriage when I was very young and with my long term partner, in his home. At the time I was renting out my home until we decided what to do in the longer term. Found out, when I was on the other side of the world, literally, that he had been having an affair with a woman who was convinced that we were separated and only living together for practical reasons because I - as far as she knew - had nowhere to go and no job. He hadn't told her that I had a flat of my own that I owned and which was worth far more than his - I'd offered to let us all live there but he wouldn't - and he hadn't told her that I was working OR that we were regularly having sex, going on holiday together - all the normal, loving things that a couple do and, I believed, were intending to buy a house together and were simply figuring out where and exactly when. Neither she, nor I, could initially believe what he had done. He'd told her one story and lived out another one with me.So...be careful!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Never get involved with anyone who has an unresolved prior relationship. All of the nonsense of "living separate lives" means absolutely nothing. Married is still married, especially if they are still living together.
There are plenty of people out there who are divorced, widowed, single, or in other words 100% available. Never let a seemingly well-worded excuse make up for actions. You don't get a little bit pregnant, and you don't stay "barely" married.
She is a married woman. She lives with her husband. The happiness of their marriage has nothing to do with whether or not you date a married woman. Her husband cheating on her has nothing to do with whether or not she is married. If he's out sleeping around, then she needs to leave, divorce, collect alimony, and in other words, end the relationship to make herself available.
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A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (27 February 2014):
I think it's up to her to decide. If you want to, go for it. The arrangement that she's got with her husband is their own business, you don't want have to worry about helping her cheat, if that's your concern.
But this situation sounds like it comes with baggage, doesn't sound too healthy really. From what I know, it's not fun to date someone who's in limbo.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2014):
 oh wait they are still living together?
RUN Forest RUN!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2014):
 I agree with SVC
It would REALLY depend on WHY they haven't completed the divorce 5 years later.
Personally, I wouldn't date someone who is "separated" yet still living together. That is an oxymoron. Separation require LIVING separate.....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2014):
IN MY STATE there are two legal statuses... MARRIED or SINGLE/divorced. My state does NOT have legal separation.
therefore when I was leaving my first husband I was advised by my attorney to NOT date until the divorce was final as that gives my spouse grounds for adultery charges..
Well we dragged it out for a bit (mutual agreement with a very civil divorce) so my dating later on while separated was NOT an issue for us.
There are those here that say NOT to date separated people but it depends on why 5 years out they are not legally divorced and what the status of separated people in your state is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): If her ex husband is out dating and dabbling then I see no harm in her doing the same, it would be hypocritical of him to show concern even if he reacted badly to the news.
Besides, it is your relationship with this lady that is important, what everyone else thinks is irrelevant, if you like her or have an interest in her then go for it. They're separated and he's out there, go for it.
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