A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:No baby, no wedding, but delightful all the same.My boyfriend of one year and I both have very different life plans as far as pairing off and reproducing. He intends never to marry and frankly admits neither the desire for children nor the capacity to care for them. I'm more domestic minded.However, I don't intend to marry or have a kid for about eight years (maybe even a decade). He knows I intend to do both with my life. Is is ethical to have a relationship with someone you both like and love, knowing it has no very long term prospects?I could see being fairly happy with him for a couple of years, maybe even an enjoyable quasi-family style half decade of living together. I'm not in a moral grey zone as far as wanting to enjoy a shorter range pairing, am I?
View related questions:
wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 June 2007):
 I see you're a smart woman and you're very clear about what you want. Maybe you might agree with me if I say that every opinion is, to an extent, influenced by who is giving it. Did you notice that we males over 30 are telling you that we don't want any strings attached when we're young, but then that changes? Don't assume that HE will want to stay with you, though. He may feel that he wants to have children with a different woman. So, be aware that things will indeed change, and you don't know how. Don't take for granted that things will be just as you plan they will. Does life ever follow a plan?
I may sound pretty conservative now, but I also would like to comment about your thinking that you can have a child sans a man and be fine. I don't doubt YOU would have no problems. But the child may. I myself grew up without a father, and my nephew is growing that way, too; and there are problems.
I'm sure you'll know how to make everything work out.
Good luck,
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFollow up:
I'm early twenties, so I'm not worried about becoming a Christmas cake quite yet (as in better before the 25th). I'm also not too concerned about having to reproduce alone, since I've seen several women have kids sans man and do fine.
Dr. Surgel is right, the reason why I want to ask this is that I figure breaking up in five years would be brutal. However, I know short of dying at the exact same time, even if we had a white picket fence bordered happy ending with 1.6 kids and a minivan, I will lose him. So I think I’ll proceed carefully, taking your advice as a reminder.
What brings me to ponder if planning for the long(er) haul is a good idea, is that in another school year, the planets will be properly lined up to shack up together. I’m considering transferring university and if I laid the groundwork now, I could work him into my plans. After a year together I think we’re stable enough to make the jump but I wanted to make sure their was no expectation in the culture that not breaking it off implied I was going to change.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): As long as you both understand that this is temporary it might be able to work out. However the possibility of the two of you being able to keep your feelings in check is very low. More than likely one or both of you will develop a strong emotional bond. That you both know ahead if time that you have vastly different plans for the future will make the heartbreak that much worse down the road. Others have commented that he will change his mind. Do not count on that. He is as likely to change his mind about not having kids as you are to change yours about having them. The two of you are better off as just being friends. Hopefully each of you can find partners that share you life decisions. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dr. Surgel  +, writes (18 June 2007):
 Dear Anonymous
It is OK to be with someone your love, or even just like, even if you know it won't be forever.
The danger I see here though is spending a number of years with this guy, and then finding it hard to move on when you know you have to in order to fulfil your desires for home and family. Relationships can often tend to drift when both partners are content with each other, and that could mean that you could find yourself at 30, 35 or 40, newly broken up with a fella, and now trying to find someone to marry and have a baby with.
Keep in mind that most guys when they are young are pretty sure they want to be bachelors forever. This is because they enjoy dating and seeing different women, and don't see why that should all have to change. They will of course change their mind when the right woman comes along, or when the current woman proves herself to be the right woman. So just be sure that you give yourself a time limit and make sure that your "temporary" partner is very aware of the outcome.
For instance after two or three years of dating or living together, if there are still no plans for further committment, then you will have to prepare yourself for exiting the relationship with the view to forming another more formal pairing. If you have to, you can look at this current relationship as practice for another relationship, and don't feel bad about that as this is kind of what this guy is doing with you if he's telling you that it's fine for now, but not for keeps.
Best of luck,
Dr. Surgel
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): For all you know his views could change, I remeber when I was 24 and I didn't want kids, but as I got older my girlfriend showed me how beautiful children could be.
At the time I was dating her I didn't want to feel like I was confined to only being with her for the rest of my life, I wanted to date her forever like Gene Simons, but my mind changed when I found I only wanted her and I didn't want any other man in this world to be with her.
I've been married to her for 5 years, and we have 2 beautiful baby girls and I am more in love with this women everyday.
Please give him time, and show him how plesant it is to have kids, by maybe babysitting your sister's or brother's child for a day(that's how my girl won me over on that one). And if he falls enough in love with you he'll realize he doesn't want to lose you, and maybe marry you someday.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): Well honey you can never be sure that in a couple of years, he won't change his mind. Is has happened to other people before. A decade is a long time, and a lot can happen in 10 years. His father figure may come out sooner or later, and he may get the feeling of wanting to spend the rest of his life with someone special.
Things can change, and experiences of life can make him change his mind sooner or later.
I think that if your relationship is going perfectly fine right now, you should continue having fun together and see what the future brings. 10 years is a long time from now, and a lot can happen in the mean time.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (18 June 2007):
I don't think there is anything morally wrong with your decision. If you both feel comfortable living together, knowing that it won't last, so be it.
However, it seems to me that sure you do like each other, but there is no love between you two. In my humble opinion, two people who loved each other would not be happy with such an agreement. Now, again, there are many couples who live together without love.
Since you say you can wait for eight years or a decade to have children, I imagine that you're perhaps in your mid-twenties. I'm 37, so I have a warning for you.
At some point, you will want children, and it will not necessarily mean MEN will want to have them with you. When a childless man decides to have children, most likely he will not look for someone with little childbearing potential. It is awful, but this is how it is. I think you can wait until your late twenties-early thirties. That is when a woman is at her prime. Once you get to be something like thirty-six, men will want someone younger. If you want children, that is how far you should wait. I don't want to be crude, but this is how it is.
Your partner will have no such problems. Remember that gray hair gives character to a man, but makes a woman look old.
...............................
|
