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female
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writes: Hi,I am in a crisis with my live-in boyfriend (I just moved in officially last month) and wanted to ask you all for your opinions, men and women, and the reasoning behind your views. My boyfriend likes to videotape his life and keeps several VHSs from over the years of birthday parties, family events, ex-girlfriends, etc. However, one tape also has footage of him having sex with an ex-girlfriend, a "family tape" (birthday parties, x-mas, new year's, etc.)curiously cued to that exact moment. I picked up that tape because a couple of months back he wanted to show me some footage of his past but then said he'd show me another time. For what it's worth, he's out of town for 3 weeks and out of boredom I put the same tape he offered to show me in the VCR. I absolutely crumbled when I saw it, as I said it was cued to that moment, had a complete breakdown, panic attack and all. Now, it wasn't so much that he taped himself having sex that upsets me, (though the agony of seeing the man of my life straddling someone else will probably never go away, imagine seeing your spouse "giving it good" to someone else) lots of people tape themselves at some point or other doing the deed and that's ok in itself. What is absolutely bubble-shattering is that he feels it's wrong for him to tape over those few seconds because it is a memory of his past and no one has the right to take those memories away from him, even sex recordings. He hung up on me overseas over this. He also says that he loves me deeply and that this tape is no big deal to him. It's been 3-4 days and the nausea in my gut isn't going anywhere, I feel emotionally betrayed that his personal sex scene is more important than my feelings and our future, and he still has friendly and emotionally intimate contact with this ex of his. I also don't believe she knows that he kept this recording. Now, am I wrong and unreasonable for asking him to record over this in the name of our future or is he wrong and unreasonable for expecting me to tolerate this kind of recording in the name of honoring his past? Thank you all kindly for your candour xx
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female
reader, angel_rebel88  +, writes (4 July 2008):
Wow, I would ask him to throw it away if it didnt"matter" to him. If it dosn't matter.. then it shouldnt matter if its thrown away right? and if he cant do that.. Id leave him.. because his Ex should be gone from his life for good.. your his now... and if he truly loves you.. He would respect your feelings and do whatever he can to make you feel better..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): The same thing happen to me. There was a tape my boyfriend had in the truck of his car. I always wondered what was on it. I went to look for it the next day and it was gone. I tought, ummm there must be something on it, that he either is not proud of or doesn't want me to find but still be in his possession. A few years went by. I was looking through his briefcase for some rewrittable CDs and found the tape I thought I saw prior years. I took it out of his briefcase and watched it. It was a video that he recorded of him having sex with his ex girlfriend. I was more hurt by the fact that he obviously has no respect for me. I mean, how dare him bring a video of himself fucking another women into our home. I understand that yes, he lives with me, but, who does that? I know that as a women if I had a sex tape of me and my ex fucking I would discard it as soon as I got into a relationship withsome I "loved". You can't change the fact that he did it. And you can't change the fact that I saw it. But, it is the principle of still having it. And watching it when I am not around. I think it was red flags for me to have to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): I've been through this myself. I found numerous video files on my boyfriend's PC of him with other women. I threw an absolute fit, he apologized and deleted them all. I've since made him get rid of anything that was visible in the files...bedding, room decor etc. It was all a constant reminder. While I appreciate his immediate action, I'm truly scarred for life. It does get better over time, but things will never be the same. But then again...when have you ever heard of a relationship that stays perfect.
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female
reader, pashun8tly +, writes (29 June 2006):
HELL NO!
okay so i had this man who used to keep a five drawer safe metal safe with a lock on it. so i always wanted to see what was in it. providing his history of being a "professional photographer" at a strip club i know this man must have tons of photos & videos. just wondering about this alone made me obssess about it that i just couldn't take anymore & then i questioned why the hell am i with this man who keeps his dark secrets locked up in the safe? what else did he keep? what if he was a murderer, a child molester? there's something said when a man gets too over protective about his stuff especially when you're living together.
your lives should be an open book, everything laid out on the table and i don't accept the "privacy" argument & yes i should know bank account numbers and the amount, all computer logins, voicemail passwords & the right to check pockets! we get sucked into that notion of them needing space & privacy that it's just another way for them to have control over us.
as far as your situation, there should be no apologies on your part. i would be wondering why he even got so upset about it. i'd wonder if you should even want to go forward with him all together. i know the images will be forever imprinted in your mind & it'll take amnesia to probably relieve you from them. just the thought of it makes ME want to throw up!
believe me, the male perspective probably would support his side, anyway. i'd be surprised if there is one man who supports your decision & how you feel.
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male
reader, Dr. Reality Check  +, writes (29 June 2006):
 If he truly loves you he will get rid of the tape, as no loving partner would want to see their other half hurting and suffering like you so clearly are. I think you should see this as a good test of where the relationship is going. If keeps the tape, its time to let him go, but if he chucks it, then you can be pretty sure that he loves you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2006): I wouldn't have confronted him over it myself, but recorded a documentary over it. Then if he ever went to look at it in the future he would of had a shock. He couldn't have confronted you over that could he? But then again I'm devious. It's past, yes he recorded it and he kept it, but we all keep dark special secrets in our mind and we don't necessarily share that with anyone. He just kept his secrets on tape, alarming as it was for you. It's all in the past just forget about it and concentrate on your relationship with him. I bet he feels like a prize prat now he knows you've found it. If he loves you then I bet he's feeling more gutted than you are about it !
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female
reader, camille +, writes (28 June 2006):
 Blunt response...I'm fuming at his insensitive ignorance to your concern. How would he feel if he saw a sex tape of you with an ex? That'd shut him up. Is there one of the two of you? I'd take that tape, burn it and dump him. Memories can be preserved in the deep dark tunnels of the mind, there is absolutely no need for ANYONE to keep a documented VHS of their conquests. What for? For old time's sake? To show his kids how it's done? For goodness sake, kick the snake back into the grass. I doubt the vision will ever leave your mind. If it's no big deal to him and it is to you, he should have no problem destroying it.
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female
reader, Danielle934 +, writes (28 June 2006):
 You have every right to be upset. If I were you I would be worried that he may still have feelings for his ex. I believe that if you break up with someone, then the only reason you might keep something personal from the relationship is because you think there may still be a chance in the future to work out...but then again I am a woman.
If I were in your shoes I would make sure he knew exactly how it makes me feel, and if he chose to not record over it then I would definitely be gone. He wants you to respect his memories and his past but he needs to realize that he needs to respect your feelings because you are his present and possibly his future. He needs to decide which is more important... making the woman he loves happy, or preserving a past memory with an ex? Respect works two ways not just one! And in a case like this he needs to be more respectful of how "something that is not a big deal" effects you. WHY WOULD SOMEONE NOT WANT TO GET RID OF SOMETHING THAT IS HURTING THE PERSON THEY DEEPLY LOVE, THAT IS IF HE TRULY DOES LOVE YOU?
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