A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I are both 40.We’ve been together for about 5 months. She’s a fairly recent divorcee who I was friends with for 10 years before we got together.I adore her, but she flirts with other men and it does my head in. She was abused by a former partner who destroyed her confidence and I think she has a need to feel attractive to other men.Her body language around other men and innuendos are starting to get me down. Part of me thinks it’s just what she’s like and I trust her not to actually cheat, but part of me thinks if she was happy with me she wouldn’t feel the need to do this.Is it ever OK for a woman to behave like that when she has a partner?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): She can behave the way she likes. But if you two are exclusive her behavior is disrespectful to you and your relationship.
You can tell her how her actions make you feel. And if she cares she'll stop. If not its only been five months you don't have to stay with someone who makes you feel like crap
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): Flirting is not about cheating, it's about being wanted, appreciated, singled out... some people are insecure and need that.
Personally, it would bother me if my partner flirted with other people. I would think of it as belittling.
I wouldn't do it to my partner, because I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings AND because I wouldn't want to belittle myself. If I am not happy with my partner and do not respect him, then what does staying with him but flirting with others say about me? Not anything remotely good.
Having said that, there's always a possibility that she's not that into you and that she's using you as an emotional support while she needs it. SHe may be on a rebound. You say that she divorced only recently and that you have been together for 5 months, while you have been friends for a decade. I don't know you, but this alone makes me think that she's using you as a crutch. She waited a decade to fall in love with you? Theoretically it CAN happen, but did she leave he husband for you because you were having a passionate affair? Or... did her husband leave her and she just happened to fall in love with you? You are obviously a patient and a kind person thinking about her and her needs and coming here to check if it is ok to be bothered by this. She feels she can do this to you without any consequences. Or maybe she just doesn't care.
Anyway, I think you deserve better than this.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 December 2020):
 I think there is a big disparity between some harmless banter and flirting and having no intention of taking things further, to purposely flirting around guys with the intention of being unfaithful.
I think you need to elaborate further as to her full extent of flirting, and what kind of innuendos she is using.
You said yourself that you trust her to not actually cheat. Just be fully sure that your not reading to much into this before you broach the subject.
How often does she do this?
What kind of settings is she doing this?. Down the pub with strangers?. Or people in a work environment she has known for ages?.
Also after if she has just come out of a lenthy marriage fairly recently is she fully healed from the marriage and is she ready to be In a relationship so soon?.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 December 2020):
 You knew her for 10 years before you started dating. Unless she changed overnight when you started dating, you knew what she was like. You can't expect her to change her personality completely for you. You knew what you were getting.
If her behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable, then speak with her about it. Perhaps say something like "Heh, babe, any chance you could tone down the flirting when I am around? It makes me feel like I/my feelings don't matter to you."
Ultimately it is up to her how she chooses to act. If her behaviour gets you down as you state, then perhaps it is time to consider whether this relationship is for you? Just because you got on as friends does not necessarily mean she has good potential as a girlfriend for you. You can't force her to change but you can choose whether you want to be with someone who makes you feel this way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 December 2020):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE,
have you asked her what is going on?
And how SHE would feel if YOU did the same.
If she is in a relationship with you, I don't think it's approrpiate for her to be all flirty in front of you. Banter at work, sure, or perhaps a funny comments in certain situations, again, sure. I see nothing problematic.
BUT for her to be all flirty in front of you seems a little insulting to you. Almost emasculating in a sense.
HOWEVER, I think, it could be that she feels SAFE and COMFORTABLE with you that she CAN do this flirty stuff. Something she hasn't done in a decade and perhaps is rather rusty at.
Whether she feels SAFE with you and thus think, it's "just harmless" flirting or she just doesn't THINK how it might affect you, is impossible to say.
I also agree that perhaps she jumped into a relationship with you TOO soon. Maybe she should have taken some time to find out WHO she is now BEFORE committing to you.
I think you need to talk to her, with out making this dramatic or critical, but give her some "food for thought".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): Have you discussed this with her? Shouldn't she know how it makes you feel?
When you have a committed-partner, nothing justifies blatantly flirting with other people. If you've got issues with your self-esteem that compels you to disrespect your partner by flirting and flaunting yourself; I'd say you weren't ready for a relationship. Maybe you should get that self-esteem issue out of the way first.
Care to describe what you mean by innuendos? Is she making subtle propositions? Giving them come-hither gazes? What? You really need to be specific; or it just comes across as your problem with feelings of insecurity.
Now lets consider whether this is jealousy, or a bit of paranoia on your part?
You're almost implying she's practically throwing herself at men. We'll have to give her some benefit of the doubt; because we're getting a one-sided story here!
If she's in the process of establishing a new romantic-relationship; she won't secure it very well, if she's busy acting as if she's still available on the dating-scene. Flirting is usually restrained or ceases; once you've both committed, and have decided to become exclusive. Maybe she's not as into you as you're into her? Maybe you have committed too soon?
I would think a mature-woman would know how to conduct herself while out with you and around other men. I would also assume you knew her husband very well? Well, she ends-up dating you! Once a mutual-friend of the couple. Maybe you're judging her? You've known her a long-time; and decided to pursue your romantic-feelings for her. Leaves a lot of questions to ponder!
This is a new relationship still undergoing evaluation and development. If you're feeling uncomfortable, now is the time to make your feelings known; and you might want to decide if she's really the kind of woman you're looking for in the first place?
Just because you're recently divorced or freshly separated from a breakup doesn't mean you should go out on a flirting-rampage every-time you set foot outside your residence. Being newly set-free does sometimes go to your head. If you've felt neglected, abused, pinned-up, or confined; it might be a natural-response to be a little socially-awkward, and starved for attention. That's somewhat normal when you've been through hell, maybe abused by a narcissist, and you've finally found your freedom. I'm not making any excuses; I'm just considering the situation from both-sides.
Talk to her, and make sure you check your own insecurities as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2020): The bottom line is, is it ok for YOU to have a partner who acts this way?
Plenty of men and women do behave this way. I had a partner who flirted with only certain women, who he'd obviously known sexually before. He would smack their bottom when they walked past or dance closely and intimately with them. I tried to be like you, to accept that this was the way he was and as long as he didn't actually cheat, then it didn't matter. BUT it DID matter to me. It made me unhappy. I talked to him about it and he reacted brilliantly and he stopped for a long time, but then his behaviour gradually reverted to type. I ended it. I was crazy about him, we got on so well, he was great in bed, there was loads that I really liked about him and that was unusual in a man, BUT his actions made me paranoid when we went out. I would scan the room for pretty women and dread what might happen. It wasn't worth it for me. YOU have to decide if it's worth it for you. I know I'm pleased I did it. It was hard at the time, but I'm happier now. We can't change people. You know that. So is it a deal breaker or not? Time will tell. You will one day have enough if you're anything like me. Good luck.
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