A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex around 5 months ago which I know deep down was for the best. Although we had a lot of ups in the relationship we were like best friends, we made some amazing memories in a year and I did and I believe I still do love him but he has some underlying mental health issues which did affect us from time to time - he was always paranoid, overthinking and would always bring up my past and make me feel terrible, he was very insecure. A couple months after I broke up with him we started to sleep with each other again as it felt mutual and yes I know, it seems silly but he was my first proper boyfriend and our sex life was pretty good although it did not last long.. He just turned on me again and cut me out completely, he didn’t seem happy with the fact I am pursuing my career etc. He blocked me on every social platform, number, everything. It’s been a couple months since that and having no contact and I still think about him, I can’t stop having dreams about him and I just don’t know what to do. I always wonder if he is still thinking about me too, it’s just wishful thinking I have been on dating sites and I have even had a one night stand just to see how I would feel about being with somebody else and it didn’t feel right. However I do feel happy in myself that I feel free from being held down too much and that I am my own person again but there is a massive part in me that just misses him like crazy even though it would never work out with how he acts and gets like with me and with my future career (nursing). I felt bad leaving him in the beginning with his issues but I panicked and it was just too much for me, part of me just wants to turn up at his door and just apologise for how I left him and made him feel and to wish him well, I just don’t know what to do and why I’m missing him too much?? Or do I just leave this in the past and move on but how can I move on when I feel so fixated on something that I know would not work?? I’m driving myself crazy here
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): You say he had mental health issues, thought about things too much etc - so why were you attracted to him then?
What proof do you have that he has mental health issues? How do you know that that you yourself do not have them? Birds of feather tend to flock together. Very often people with a lot of insecurity etc are drawn to others who are the same. Not because they prefer it but because secure people would easily be able to get another secure person and would not want to have a relationship with someone with that problem. The more perfect and sorted you are - the more options you get when choosing a partner. The more you can offer a potential partner the better the potential partner that you choose. Unemployed lazy people would love to be with a hard working rich person, not why would the hard working rich person want them when they can do a lot better?
People often get into rubbish relationships because it is that or no relationship at all. Why? Because they have mental health issues or are not able to offer a great catch more.
People often say their ex has mental health issues, or was a narcissist, anything they can say which is negative, when very often they are the same. Or it just makes them feel better to think of their ex that way. Yet they still want them back! They will give a long list of their faults yet long to be with them again. A mentally healthy person does not do that. A mentally healthy person sees that their partner has enormous flaws and ends it with no regrets later. They do not try again, they do not give them the benefit of improving later if they feel like it (which never happens), they do not settle.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): I was that guy 50 years ago -- Judy dumped hard after 3 years. I was her first at 18. She felt bad -- dumped me for a med school guy. Gave me mercy sex for a while, so did her girlfriend unbeknownst to Judy. Moved to a trendy complex where I found other FWB, at the pool mostly. Never gave my new number to Judy. She befriend a girl buddy of mine to softly stalk me with. She didn't even like this girl. Married 6 months after I did, had a kid 6 months after I did. Women think of their first more than men do. Especially if it was a long term relationship. Guys mostly deal with the break up as soon as they get laid again.
Crude buy true. It's how we're wired.
Your old BF is getting laid again. Leave him be.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 December 2020):
 Sometimes, when you have been in a VERY dramatic relationship you get "hooked" on the drama MORE than the person. Because it feels like passion, and it feels like they would have all these issues with you, IF they didn't care deeply for you. So... in the end you make the presumption that HE really loved you, that it was really love.
Some of it, MIGHT have been. A lot of it though, WASN'T healthy.
You say you made a lot of amazing memories in a year. That is nice but nice memories shouldn't outweigh incompatibility or BAD memories.
While you don't mention abuse and I don't want to presume, let me just give you a statistic to think on. "On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good". Which means she think she should stay, fix things, work them out, LOVE him better, love him more, BE better etc. etc.
You were able to walk away because you KNEW he needed more help than you can give. YOU were able to walk away because you KNEW this wasn't healthy or good for you to stay.
It might NOT have been abusive. But it could have become abusive. Yes?
He needs to figure out that IF HE wants a healthy relationship HE needs to get help and do a LOT of work on himself. You can't make him see that. Coming back in his life "to wish him well" is not going to do squat for HIM! or for you... it might assuage some GUILT for having ended a relationship, but that is not going to do you much good either. YOU really have NOTHING to feel guilty for.! You HAD to leave. IT wasn't GOOD for you to stay. BE GLAD that you were able and capable to SEE this and not end up in a long term TOXIC relationship!!
The relationship is over. IT wasn't what you had hoped it would be, or you thought it COULD have been. IT happens. THAT is why we date.
Take your time to process, the good, the bad and what you need to AVOID in a partner, and what you WANT in a partner and what YOU have to offer. Don't go do Tindr hookups for pointless casual sex. IT WILL NOT make you feel better.
Don't try and date until you have ACCEPTED that ending the relationship was the RIGHT thing to do. Doing the RIGHT thing doesn't ALWAYS feel great!
Accept that you can LOVE and CARE for someone and NOT be right for each other.
You are fixated on this relationship because you weren't able to make it work. And you wanted it to work. Honey, that is normal to WANT things to work, but you can't drive a car with no engine. And you can't make a relationship work one person NEEDS to do a lot of self-care and GET help. It's OK to dump someone that IS NOT a good fit for you overall.. Despite all his good parts, HE wasn't the right one for you.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 December 2020):
 Oh sweetheart. Sending you hugs. This is so sad but also so "normal".
He was your first boyfriend. He will always have a special place in your heart. I was with my first boyfriend more years ago than you have been alive but he still occasionally crosses my mind. I went back to him twice, trying to make it work, but I know for a fact, while our relationship would have been bliss in some areas, it would have been unbearable in others and would never have worked out in the long run. I was the one who walked away on all three occasions. That does not stop me occasionally remembering something about him. Thinking about someone with whom we enjoyed good times is not unusual, especially when they were "the first". However, it does not change the reason you broke up or the fact that it was the right decision. You are bound to think of him from time to time because you cared for him and you can't just switch that off; you can only learn how to control and live with it.
It is probably particularly difficult for you at the moment, given that it is Xmas time and also all the restrictions the government is placing on the country.
I would strongly advise against trying to date for the time being. You know yourself your heart is not in it and it is really unfair on anyone you meet. Enjoy being alone for a few months (or as long as it takes). Concentrate on your career. Let friends support you through this difficult time. This too will pass and you will eventually be able to look back with fondness at what you had but also with a realistic acceptance that he was not right for you.
Look after yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): Typo corrections:
"Leaving him, he will eventually have to deal with; but your vacillation and indecisiveness he can't!"
"You'll be able to put distance between you, without feeling the pain or agony of separation."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): It was a major mistake to start sleeping with someone after you've broke-up with them. It's just opening-up a lot of drama; and you're messing with each-other's heads. Even worse than that, you're stalling your post-breakup healing and detachment-process.
If he suffers from mental-illness, your cycle of going back and forth is really causing him unnecessary stress. Over-working his already faulty coping-mechanisms. He doesn't function in full-capacity as you do; so you're the one who has be levelheaded and under-control. Leaving him, he will eventual have to deal with; your vacillation and indecisiveness he can't! Do not second-guess yourself! You made the right decision. Feeling guilty is inappropriate when you are forced to do something to save and protect yourself.
Move on, and accept that it is over! It's supposed to hurt, and you're supposed to miss him! It will eventually subside, once you've gone through the process of letting-go. It doesn't happen instantly. You're dealing with human emotions. They don't turn off and on like a lightbulb! You go though phases and steps as your mind contends with change, loss, and grief.
One-night stands and rebound-romances will mess your head up!!! Where'd you get that idea as some kind of therapy???
You do him harm by lingering in his life, and forcing him to deal with stress and anxiety. He feels the same emotions as you do; but he is also an adult. When you two keep restarting that broken-relationship; you'll have to breakup again when it doesn't workout. You have to use some maturity and judgement here. You didn't say you have mental-health problems; so you're the one who has to deal with this using common sense and reason.
Breaking-up was necessary for your own health and wellbeing. He's a grown-man; and he will have to deal with his own issues. He knows when to seek professional-counseling and therapy when necessary. If he isn't committed to managing his mental-health; that's even more reason for you to get as far away from him as you can. For both your sakes!
You will move on in due time. You won't, if you keep going back and diddling with him! You make him sick every-time you make him force himself to deal with drama and emotional-conflict. Trying to maintain a relationship; when he probably needs to work on himself. He might be in need of more intensive mental-healthcare; that he has probably neglected to seek. Perhaps because he's trying to be "normal;" without undergoing his recommended counseling-therapies, or taking his prescriptions. A relationship is very demanding, and on top of being very young and inexperienced; his mental-disabilities (or illness) hinders his judgment and behavior.
Allow yourself time to grieve your loss. Avoid rebounding with other guys! That's not healthy! Be patient with yourself. Allow the feelings of withdrawal and discomfort to run their course, and purge. The discomfort is necessary when you're becoming emotionally-detached from another person. It doesn't mean you'll stop loving him; it means you'll overcome your grief of loss. You'll learn that you can move on and survive; even with the knowledge that it didn't workout. You be able to put distance between you, without feeling the pain or agony of separation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2020): He sounds abusive to me. He has treated you pretty badly, so why do you want to apologise to HIM? I don't believe he has mental issues, he just doesn't want you to assert yourself or have a career because it would take you away from him. Abusive men want control of their girlfriends/wives and if you show signs that you are not going to be told what to do, they will generally make you feel bad. Using whichever tactic they choose. His was to 'turn on you'!? What for?? This sounds like classic abuse.
Abusive people also manage to get into their partners heads and they usually manage to make them feel guilty for things that aren't their fault, so that they can control them.
Read up about abusive tactics and see if you recognise his behaviour. It would make it easier for you to see who and what you are actually dealing with here and ultimately, make it easier for you to leave him in the past, which is where it very much sounds like he belongs. Good luck.
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