A
female
age
41-50,
*atiekate
writes:I am a 29 year old woman with a not-so-great track record with relationships. I have not been in a normal relationship for several years. I have been dating a wonderful, kind man for almost six months now. I took things very slowly in the beginning, and about a month ago we decided to date exclusively. Last week, I initiated a conversation to define the relationship, and we agreed to attach the boyfriend/girlfriend label to one another. Considering this is the type of man I see myself with long term, I should be giddy with excitement. But for the last several days, and for no logical reason whatsoever, I feel so desperately and overwhelmingly insecure. I even had an anxiety attack on Christmas, worrying about being dumped or him suddenly not liking me anymore or changing his mind. He has given me no signs to think this way, except maybe he didn't text or call me one night. I know that my reaction to such a small thing is completely irrational and insane. I am not the needy or clingy type. In fact, I often keep my guard up and keep people at a distance emotionally until I'm confident they won't hurt me. But now my guard is down, and I am petrified. We had a 2 day road trip planned for earlier this week that I was paranoid he would back out on, but we went and it was great. Why am I feeling so insecure, and is this at all normal? Any and all insight and reassurance would be greatly appreciated.....
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female
reader, katiekate +, writes (31 December 2011):
katiekate is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for the input. It was tough, but I decided the best thing to do to ease my mind was to call him and talk about it. He was pretty receptive and reassuring, so I do feel a lot better. However, it is clear to me now that I can't rely on him to reassure me... I have to be able to reassure myself.
Thanks again.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 December 2011):
 You bet this is normal. In my study of dream psychology (strictly amateur) I have run into this a lot. If you think of this in terms of you conscious mind and your sub conscious mind, it will help your understanding.
Your conscious mind is logical and adds everything up. It says that the future is bright. Your sub conscious mind doesn't think that way. It is following the patterns. It says A happened then B happened, oh no! C is coming soon. That is what is likely causing you to feel the way you do.
Share your feelings with your guy so that he can give you the extra support you need right now.
FA
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A
female
reader, VioletSparkle  +, writes (30 December 2011):
Many years ago I read this book, "Women who love too much"; I have no idea if you read it or if it can relate to you, but it stated clearly that after a lifetime of bad relationships with men full of drama, discomfort and suffering, it was very difficult to have "normal" relationships because one was always expecting the worst.The book said that almost subconsciously when everything was going all right that was the most scary of all, and even women who were very much together when in a relationship with "drama" guys, like alcoholics, bordelines etc, would start behaving strangely because that lack of drama was disturbing, and they would be the ones to initiate it. Does this sounds familiar? Anyway, if that is the case maybe it's not a matter of insecurity, but just a matter of not being very used to happiness, which apparently is something pretty boring if someone is used to very intense (and dysfunctional) relationships. I guess, actually, I know, that letting one's guard down is very painful and scary, and I totally can relate to the panic attacks :) I guess only time will tell if fear is justified or not, for the moment I can suggest only breathing exercises, and to accept and embrace your insecurity because that is part of you and most probably is motivated by your past? Which doesn't mean to bestow it on this guy, especially if he didn't do anything to provoke it. Think that you are healing, and each happy day brings you a step further on the way of safety, which in the long term is better than being giddy with excitement :) or so I hear
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Hey, I can empathise completely - I am new into a relationship and I too am utterly insecure.... for what its worth I think its natural once you have made an emotional commitment to someone, there's a natural fear that it will end and you'll be left feeling bereft. Try and do what I am doing, be honest with him, tell him how you feel and if he does love you he'll understand and go out of his way to make you feel secure. Also you (and I) will have to learn to trust!!!
Good luck!
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