A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I desperately need your help!! I've been with this guy (lets call him Joey) for a year now; on and off again. We've had a lot of problems because of girls and guys that are trying to break us up. A few girls are after him because he's an athlete and I have a few guys after me as well. Last year, he met this girl and they became really good friends. I didn't have a problem with that until I started hearing that she gets around and wants to f*** all of the black guys here at our school. Well my bf says that she's not like that because she tells him everything about her relationships and whatnot. I, however, have this feeling that she wants something with him. He's a great guy so I understand why she wants him but he doesn't believe me. I've asked him to stop talking to her many times but he's always defending her and putting her feelings first; saying that it's not fair to her because she's a good friend and only that. We've broken up so many times because of her and I feel like she's more important even though he says it's not true. Well, now we're at a point where we'll be done for good because of her. I'm tired of dealing with this but at the same time i'm in love with him and can't see my life without him. He's always telling me how he wants to marry me, and he sees me as the mother of his kids and us living together after college. He says he's going to change and stop talking to her but I don't know if I should believe him because when he's told me that before he ends up asking me if he can talk to her again. You see, when he tells her that they can't talk anymore she'll stop but then she'll randomly text him and tell him she misses him or good game and she's always telling Joey's friends to tell him how she means no harm and would like to be friends again. I feel like if she was a good friend she wouldn't be disrespecting out relationship by texting him and trying to talk to him after she was told not to. Then again, when I confront her about texting him she'll imply that he's been texting her first and talking to her first. I don't know what to do, should I trust him? or should I just try to move on? Am i being irrational about this girl or should I trust my gut? Will he resent me for making him stop talking to her?
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female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 I do actually trust Joey at the moment but I don't trust her motives at all. The fact that she has been asked not to text or talk to him and she stops for a while and then starts again and pretends to you that Joey has made the first move is not very nice behaviour. I think Joey is being suckered here but clearly can't see it. He clearly wants to just keep the peace but does not see how he is being manipulated by her. She definitely wants him or else she would stay away or let well alone.
I too would feel very insecure and threatened in this relationship. I would speak calmly to Joey saying that you are no longer prepared to tolerate this and if she contacts him again and he responds or he contacts her then your relationship is well and truly over.
Ofcourse the key to this really is to rise above it because you creating an ultimatum is what the girl wants so she can play the 'oh Joey, isn't she being silly, I'm here for you role' but that is very hard to do unless you are ultra confident, sure of yourself and don't really care about the other person. I have tried both techniques in my life, the ultimatum one does not work as the man normally ends up resenting you or starts to think of you as controlling him but the rising above one is hard to achieve if you do really have feelings for the man. If you can play the latter you will win way above the girl who will be left seething but you need to be very strong and I sense you are not feeling that secure at this moment in time. Maybe the best option would be to just keep quiet for a while and say or do nothing just watch how the scene unfolds doing nothing and not making any waves then decide what your best options are watching from a more neutral ground.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): The problem's in your relationship are not being caused by this girl, they are being caused by YOU! Your being insecure, you heard rumours about her and judged her on that, the rumours may be true, but they may not be, so you shouldn't be taking them as fact. You should be trusting your boyfriend, because your insecurity could just push him away. Your focusing on his friendship with her, rather than on what matters your relationship with him. Just because your in a relationship it doesn't give you the right to chose who your partner can and can't be friends with, just as he doesn't have the right to chose your friend's. He may resent you for trying to control him, which is what you are doing. You seem to be focusing on the fact you believe she wants him, but your forgetting the important fact he wants YOU! If you can't trust your boyfriend, and are going to let your insecurities rule your relationship then break up with him, but if you want to be with him, then work at it and learn that you need to stop being so insecure before you push him away. good Luck
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A
female
reader, bitch please +, writes (30 December 2011):
 I would ask him if theres anything going on.. or if he refses to stop Id dump him, its pointless letting people getting inbetween you. Its just not worth it..
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